i can't get out of my head how jealous and angry i felt, i know she said it proves that i love her. Jealous and angry, not exactly nice is it though. it means i am bad person. i haven't spoken to her in four days, i heard her voice for the first time in about 100 hours! (i think i can't count, saturday + sunday +monday + tuesday + 1/4 wednesday anyways)
when i heard her voice on the phone i was surprised how calm my voice sounded, i was so happy it was unbelievable. i was all tingly and i had a butterfly tummy. i wish i was with her right now.
am i brave person? am i a strong person? (emotional way) i see people round me and they are all so confident and strong. then theres me, i'm all over the place, i have been nearly all my life. one minute i'll be fine, then that evening i will cry myself to sleep. i don't get whats wrong with me.
parents splitting up is normal. i shouldn't feel so upset and angry at night. should i!
i just wish there was someone to protect me, someone to hold me and say everything is going to be ok and i will survive my past. i keep remembering it, i keep looking back. i wish i didn't but i can't help it.
no one can know what its like living with a mentally ill person, especially someone who had the choice to get better and didn't. someone who when you told them your problems and tried to help threw things at you or laughed in your face. i can't explain the feeling, i just would never wish it on anyone.
my friends will eventually get bored of me and leave, it has already started. i don't have any talents, i'm not exactly a great friend, i don't have anything no one else does. what will happen when everyone sees that. i know they will.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
whats wrong with me
i can't believe i felt like that! i was so jealous.
last night my girl friend had her ex round (thats not the problem, me and my ex are best mates) but they slept in the same bed, because there was no where else, and come on, what could have happened, she (my gf) thought. i don't mind all that.
it was when i heard that when my girl friend was asleep her ex started touching her that i began to feel sick. she lifted her shirt when there was nothing my girlfriend could do, when i heard about it i felt so sick, i was gonna faint and had to go get some water and sit down.
i couldn't sleep all night, these images were going round and round in my head. but i know my girlfriend would never do anything to hurt me, when i told her she was as shocked as me. she felt really bad though for trusting her ex.
it isn't her fault at all. she just better never let me near that other girl, because i swear if i see her i will smash her against the wall and tell her exactly what i think of her.
i don't really know whats come over me. i never felt this angry and jealous and stuff. i can't believe that other girl would do that!
it makes me feel so i duno, i can't breathe whenever i think about it, i just wanna hold my girlfriend. i duno how she must be feeling, if it was me i would feel sick that someone had done that to me when i trusted them and when i was asleep!
i don't know if i should really be writing this down but i need to get it out of my system. i keep thinking why didn't she wake up? but when shes asleep thats it, shes asleep. i just wish she had woken up and like realised, but it wouldn't be a nice thing to wake up to i suppose.
i saw her in the middle of the day aswell. neither of us knew what had gone on it wasn't until the evening. so while i was holding her another girl had been touching her. it makes me feel i duno, weird.
but i know it isn't her fault, it's probably just me over reacting.
last night my girl friend had her ex round (thats not the problem, me and my ex are best mates) but they slept in the same bed, because there was no where else, and come on, what could have happened, she (my gf) thought. i don't mind all that.
it was when i heard that when my girl friend was asleep her ex started touching her that i began to feel sick. she lifted her shirt when there was nothing my girlfriend could do, when i heard about it i felt so sick, i was gonna faint and had to go get some water and sit down.
i couldn't sleep all night, these images were going round and round in my head. but i know my girlfriend would never do anything to hurt me, when i told her she was as shocked as me. she felt really bad though for trusting her ex.
it isn't her fault at all. she just better never let me near that other girl, because i swear if i see her i will smash her against the wall and tell her exactly what i think of her.
i don't really know whats come over me. i never felt this angry and jealous and stuff. i can't believe that other girl would do that!
it makes me feel so i duno, i can't breathe whenever i think about it, i just wanna hold my girlfriend. i duno how she must be feeling, if it was me i would feel sick that someone had done that to me when i trusted them and when i was asleep!
i don't know if i should really be writing this down but i need to get it out of my system. i keep thinking why didn't she wake up? but when shes asleep thats it, shes asleep. i just wish she had woken up and like realised, but it wouldn't be a nice thing to wake up to i suppose.
i saw her in the middle of the day aswell. neither of us knew what had gone on it wasn't until the evening. so while i was holding her another girl had been touching her. it makes me feel i duno, weird.
but i know it isn't her fault, it's probably just me over reacting.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
i don't understand
heya,
i am at school at the moment. i staying late coz i waiting for my girlfriend. i don't mind waiting though.
i can't believe my mum, i know she hates me and doesn't bother to talk to me but this is going too far i think. she has moved out of the house and told us she was moving in with steve for a bit. turns out she has a new house and they are already in it. hannahs been there, she's going to sleep round! i can't believe mum would do this, not tell me she had moved or tell dad. she has given us the car, but has taken dads name off so he can't drive it. so we can look at it everyday but can't go in it. how stupid and spiteful!
my dad is worried that me and my mum will never talk again unless we really have to. he doesn't understand what its like though. looking at my own mother and feeling nothing! i don't love her, i don't even hate her anymore. shes means absolutely nothing to me.
she made me go to councelling, have MPD for a year and try to kill myself. how am i going to forgive her? i know i should, people keep saying, but shes your mum!
she has attacked me and hannah, and minded children (shes a childminder)
at the weekend she called an old client and friend and was moaning down the phone to them. they got the impression she was had been kicked out and was buying somewhere on her own and hadn't the money. how wrong could they have been! dad rang them and told them the truth: she's run off, bought a house and attacked her child before!
they ended up giving her £1000 though! to help her start, but then they found out she wasn't alone. they didn't realise she was so horrible. they said they had never seen or heard that side of her.
me, hannah and dad have had to live with that side for 17 years. well 17 for dad, 15 for me and 13 for hannah.
hannah has bailed on dad today. tuesday is her day with mum, wednesday her day with dad (and mine) but i wasn't going today coz me and dad did friday and saturday. and it was hannah's birthday on monday so he was going to take her out. but then mum called and told hannah to come and look at the new house and stuff. so hannah said yes.
i don't think it is fair to blame hannah though because mum is buying her off, everytime they argue or hannah and me or dad argue, mum goes awww hannah, have this have that. so hannah is confusing love with money. i can understand she wants the new stuff and the new room, but mum is making hannah leave in an underhand way.
i want to protect hannah, me and her aren't the best of friends, but we are sisters and we always stand by eachother when we need to, even if we argue about small things other times.
my mum hasn't even told her family she has moved or anything, dad rang nanny and she hadn't known a thing. i don't want me and mum to end up like that but i have tried and tried in the past to help her, show her i love her and she never gave. she never lets anyone close to her, know her secrets, let them love her. i gave up trying the day she ran off and said i didn't matter.
all the benefits and stuff stll have her name on them, so she is now a fraud aswell. she won't sign anything in the house over to dad.
anything that says she is no longer here and is not entitled to the money, she won't sign.
i'm sick of living my life by her rules, sick of being in her shadow and keeping the secrets and not letting anyone know what she is truly like. her saying is 'put a face on, and face the world.' it means put loads of make up on and paint a stupid grin across your face so no one ever thinks your upset.
well i can't do that! i have to feel sometimes, to breathe, to scream, to cry, to love.
my mum is addicted to anti- depressants, she has been for 6 years, she is meant to try and get off them but she never went back to the doctor. easier to hide the pain than deal with it. well now she can't because she has let it build up and build up until she can't even stop taking tablets. that is the reason she attacked us, because she tried a year ago, but she said she couldn't do it and pulled hannah's hair out by the roots and smashed stuff up. i had to call dad home from work because hannah and me were locked in our room. why couldn't she try? why did she hide? hiding only made matters worse. i promised myself that day that i would always tell people how i was feeling and i would never ever take tablets.
you can't choose which emotions you lose with tablets, you either keep them all, or lose them all. mum chose to lose them all.
i am at school at the moment. i staying late coz i waiting for my girlfriend. i don't mind waiting though.
i can't believe my mum, i know she hates me and doesn't bother to talk to me but this is going too far i think. she has moved out of the house and told us she was moving in with steve for a bit. turns out she has a new house and they are already in it. hannahs been there, she's going to sleep round! i can't believe mum would do this, not tell me she had moved or tell dad. she has given us the car, but has taken dads name off so he can't drive it. so we can look at it everyday but can't go in it. how stupid and spiteful!
my dad is worried that me and my mum will never talk again unless we really have to. he doesn't understand what its like though. looking at my own mother and feeling nothing! i don't love her, i don't even hate her anymore. shes means absolutely nothing to me.
she made me go to councelling, have MPD for a year and try to kill myself. how am i going to forgive her? i know i should, people keep saying, but shes your mum!
she has attacked me and hannah, and minded children (shes a childminder)
at the weekend she called an old client and friend and was moaning down the phone to them. they got the impression she was had been kicked out and was buying somewhere on her own and hadn't the money. how wrong could they have been! dad rang them and told them the truth: she's run off, bought a house and attacked her child before!
they ended up giving her £1000 though! to help her start, but then they found out she wasn't alone. they didn't realise she was so horrible. they said they had never seen or heard that side of her.
me, hannah and dad have had to live with that side for 17 years. well 17 for dad, 15 for me and 13 for hannah.
hannah has bailed on dad today. tuesday is her day with mum, wednesday her day with dad (and mine) but i wasn't going today coz me and dad did friday and saturday. and it was hannah's birthday on monday so he was going to take her out. but then mum called and told hannah to come and look at the new house and stuff. so hannah said yes.
i don't think it is fair to blame hannah though because mum is buying her off, everytime they argue or hannah and me or dad argue, mum goes awww hannah, have this have that. so hannah is confusing love with money. i can understand she wants the new stuff and the new room, but mum is making hannah leave in an underhand way.
i want to protect hannah, me and her aren't the best of friends, but we are sisters and we always stand by eachother when we need to, even if we argue about small things other times.
my mum hasn't even told her family she has moved or anything, dad rang nanny and she hadn't known a thing. i don't want me and mum to end up like that but i have tried and tried in the past to help her, show her i love her and she never gave. she never lets anyone close to her, know her secrets, let them love her. i gave up trying the day she ran off and said i didn't matter.
all the benefits and stuff stll have her name on them, so she is now a fraud aswell. she won't sign anything in the house over to dad.
anything that says she is no longer here and is not entitled to the money, she won't sign.
i'm sick of living my life by her rules, sick of being in her shadow and keeping the secrets and not letting anyone know what she is truly like. her saying is 'put a face on, and face the world.' it means put loads of make up on and paint a stupid grin across your face so no one ever thinks your upset.
well i can't do that! i have to feel sometimes, to breathe, to scream, to cry, to love.
my mum is addicted to anti- depressants, she has been for 6 years, she is meant to try and get off them but she never went back to the doctor. easier to hide the pain than deal with it. well now she can't because she has let it build up and build up until she can't even stop taking tablets. that is the reason she attacked us, because she tried a year ago, but she said she couldn't do it and pulled hannah's hair out by the roots and smashed stuff up. i had to call dad home from work because hannah and me were locked in our room. why couldn't she try? why did she hide? hiding only made matters worse. i promised myself that day that i would always tell people how i was feeling and i would never ever take tablets.
you can't choose which emotions you lose with tablets, you either keep them all, or lose them all. mum chose to lose them all.
Monday, December 11, 2006
i want it back
where did it all go wrong? when did it all start!
i want my family the way they were in the photographs, i want my friends back, i want my hair back, i want when i used to look nice back, i want the easiness back. but that isn't going to happen!
it's all going, one by one, everything, it's all being taken away from me! what did i do to deserve this??? the hatred, the agony, what did i fucking do???
i hurt everyday and i cry myself to sleep! i am such a good friend, i always am there for them, make them laugh. do whatever i need to do!
i'm not perfect i know that. i just wish i could have some luck. thats all. i had it all going so well. then it was ripped apart.
i still have mates and som, thats good. but sometimes i think, what if i had that day? what if i had said, yes actually i'll jump. what would it have been like then? would i still be here? would the people that cared about me remember me? did i do enough with my friends and family?
i want my family the way they were in the photographs, i want my friends back, i want my hair back, i want when i used to look nice back, i want the easiness back. but that isn't going to happen!
it's all going, one by one, everything, it's all being taken away from me! what did i do to deserve this??? the hatred, the agony, what did i fucking do???
i hurt everyday and i cry myself to sleep! i am such a good friend, i always am there for them, make them laugh. do whatever i need to do!
i'm not perfect i know that. i just wish i could have some luck. thats all. i had it all going so well. then it was ripped apart.
i still have mates and som, thats good. but sometimes i think, what if i had that day? what if i had said, yes actually i'll jump. what would it have been like then? would i still be here? would the people that cared about me remember me? did i do enough with my friends and family?
feel weird
today has been so strange. i have felt weird all day. like everything around me is fake, it's waiting for me to let myself love and feel then it's going to tear itself away and hurt me. it's not the people, i know it's not, i know they love me. but i just feel as if everything is slipping away. i am desperately hanging on.
my mum moved out today. she has been ignoring me for weeks, being horrible to my sister and ignoring everyones feelings except her own. she said to dad that as long as she hurt him if me and hannah (my sister) get hurt it doesn't matter. she doesn't care.
she said that if it was a choice between her new life and us lot she would choose her new life. i don't love her at all. i feel so bad and hatred of myself inside because i know i should love her.
there is nothing though. why should there be? she put me into councelling!
i just feel so insecure, everything around me has changed in the space of a month. my life, my family, my friends, my love.
the thing i am so glad about is my girl friend though, she is irreplaceable and i will never leave her. she is what holds me together and has taught me to love and trust again.
my mum moved out today. she has been ignoring me for weeks, being horrible to my sister and ignoring everyones feelings except her own. she said to dad that as long as she hurt him if me and hannah (my sister) get hurt it doesn't matter. she doesn't care.
she said that if it was a choice between her new life and us lot she would choose her new life. i don't love her at all. i feel so bad and hatred of myself inside because i know i should love her.
there is nothing though. why should there be? she put me into councelling!
i just feel so insecure, everything around me has changed in the space of a month. my life, my family, my friends, my love.
the thing i am so glad about is my girl friend though, she is irreplaceable and i will never leave her. she is what holds me together and has taught me to love and trust again.
Monday, December 04, 2006
i don't believe this
i can't believe this.
she makes me hate her. my mum never talks to anyone about anything, she never lets anyone close. whenever you talk to her you can see she doesn't care and hates life. she is unhappy i know but she doesn't seem to want to make herself better.
she ran away, she had an affair and now she is moving out. i tried to love her and wanted her to love me back but she wouldn't, she won't let me so i got bored of trying. i let our relationship go. i didn't see the point.
now she is moving out she suddenly wants me and her to have the perfect relationship, becuase she has gone so now is starting everything new. well i don't want to be mean but i don't love her, i can't, i got hurt too many times to let myself go through it again.
i can't let her again. i won't, she can go and move away with her new boyfriend and buy new things and live a wonderful social live, but i don't want to be a part of it.
she makes me hate her. my mum never talks to anyone about anything, she never lets anyone close. whenever you talk to her you can see she doesn't care and hates life. she is unhappy i know but she doesn't seem to want to make herself better.
she ran away, she had an affair and now she is moving out. i tried to love her and wanted her to love me back but she wouldn't, she won't let me so i got bored of trying. i let our relationship go. i didn't see the point.
now she is moving out she suddenly wants me and her to have the perfect relationship, becuase she has gone so now is starting everything new. well i don't want to be mean but i don't love her, i can't, i got hurt too many times to let myself go through it again.
i can't let her again. i won't, she can go and move away with her new boyfriend and buy new things and live a wonderful social live, but i don't want to be a part of it.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
in a moment
haven't written in a while, i have had so much in my mind that i couldn't find the time to sit down and write it all. i was so mixed up. at school i ave been bullied to break down point. all the emails, they were like they realli hated me.
but once i showed one one the emails she said i am so sorry i had no idea she was doing that and i sided with her! can we be mates again? i said yes becuase i was glad that someone was seeing what i was, the real person. once they saw that they saw that it was unfair and liked me again.
it was my birthday and it should have been happy, it was ok while i was in form, cause i had everyone around me. well, almost.
saturday though, was the best day in ages. i was round my girl friends and everything was so perfect. i can't believe she can lift me though! i am like a dead weight. but that picture in the mirror i suddenly saw the real meaning of love in that moment i thought. i know i loved her and wanted to spend forever with her but in that moment i saw us two together, in years to come. in a house/ flat whatever togther, painting the walls, throwing pillows at eachother, falling asleep in eachothers arms. i saw it all. (maybe i just have a good imagination)
i love her so much, so so much.
but once i showed one one the emails she said i am so sorry i had no idea she was doing that and i sided with her! can we be mates again? i said yes becuase i was glad that someone was seeing what i was, the real person. once they saw that they saw that it was unfair and liked me again.
it was my birthday and it should have been happy, it was ok while i was in form, cause i had everyone around me. well, almost.
saturday though, was the best day in ages. i was round my girl friends and everything was so perfect. i can't believe she can lift me though! i am like a dead weight. but that picture in the mirror i suddenly saw the real meaning of love in that moment i thought. i know i loved her and wanted to spend forever with her but in that moment i saw us two together, in years to come. in a house/ flat whatever togther, painting the walls, throwing pillows at eachother, falling asleep in eachothers arms. i saw it all. (maybe i just have a good imagination)
i love her so much, so so much.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
so sick
i have had such a shit month. i am scared of going to school because of the grief i get! i don't see why they have to be horrible, it is so stupid. i come home and cry everyday.
i am near breaking point. i can't handle all this anymore. at school i get insults and everything. i come home to tension and arguements. the only place i can go is my girl friend's house.
being with her there is like being in a dream, i actually laugh! properly laugh. it is so easy when i am there. everything seems perfect. no arguments or hate or anything.
i am so glad i have her. without her i probably wouldn't be writing right now, i'd be in a ditch somewhere or something.
i am near breaking point. i can't handle all this anymore. at school i get insults and everything. i come home to tension and arguements. the only place i can go is my girl friend's house.
being with her there is like being in a dream, i actually laugh! properly laugh. it is so easy when i am there. everything seems perfect. no arguments or hate or anything.
i am so glad i have her. without her i probably wouldn't be writing right now, i'd be in a ditch somewhere or something.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
i'm so so sorry
there is something wrong with me. i don't know why really but i can't let people love me, most days i am fine. some days i just can't see why they would like me and they must just be saying words and not meaning them, so when i am like that i say stupid things i don't mean, i upset people that i really care about. it is just my past relationships aren't much to go on, my family's relationships are something that is beyond help. some people want to see their parents all the time, but it is overrated. it isn't all that great i think. my mum is always looking for faults, i haven't got enough make up on, my hair looks horrible. so i am not used to people saying i'm beautiful so when they do say it, the words don't seem to get into my head.
thats why when my girlfriend asked me what present did i want i couldn't think of anything. i don't want something material, material things get broken or lost. the best present i could possibly ask for is just for love. i know she thinks that she gives it everyday, she does, but it means the absolute world to me.
i don't have a close relationship with many people, so when i see her and i realise how much we love eachother i just feel amazing. i don't know how to explain it. but a hug from her is just so amazing.
i just wish i didn't say stupid things, it isn't other people, it's me with the problem. they should just ignore me and not take it seriously because it's not true, what i say. i just get so angry that i can't explain how i feel so much of the time.
thats why when my girlfriend asked me what present did i want i couldn't think of anything. i don't want something material, material things get broken or lost. the best present i could possibly ask for is just for love. i know she thinks that she gives it everyday, she does, but it means the absolute world to me.
i don't have a close relationship with many people, so when i see her and i realise how much we love eachother i just feel amazing. i don't know how to explain it. but a hug from her is just so amazing.
i just wish i didn't say stupid things, it isn't other people, it's me with the problem. they should just ignore me and not take it seriously because it's not true, what i say. i just get so angry that i can't explain how i feel so much of the time.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
i don't understand
i don't understand, seriously, for a month one of my mates has been a bit off with me, like talking behind my back and stuff. today i found out that 3 of my close friend aren't as close as i thought. they said that it is because i have changed.
but i don't know how i have changed. they say i get annoying because i talk about my gf, but if it only that why did they wait a month just to tell me that.
i didn't realise i did. i just love her so talk about yeah, i'm allowed. but then one of them just started going out wit someone new and they are always sittin together and hugging and she talks about him, so why can't i?
it isn't because of any other reason but of me being gay, thats the only reason they have. why is it different, thats what i want to know!
i don't know maybe if i just be more quiet and stuff then it will all blow over, coz there is tension at the minute and one of the girls has stopped hanging out wit the group at lunchtimes because i annoy them. if she had just said it wouldn't have got to this. maybe i just make a big deal out of it, but i am just shocked i suppose, to find out just suddenly, that 3 of them don't realli like me.
but i don't know how i have changed. they say i get annoying because i talk about my gf, but if it only that why did they wait a month just to tell me that.
i didn't realise i did. i just love her so talk about yeah, i'm allowed. but then one of them just started going out wit someone new and they are always sittin together and hugging and she talks about him, so why can't i?
it isn't because of any other reason but of me being gay, thats the only reason they have. why is it different, thats what i want to know!
i don't know maybe if i just be more quiet and stuff then it will all blow over, coz there is tension at the minute and one of the girls has stopped hanging out wit the group at lunchtimes because i annoy them. if she had just said it wouldn't have got to this. maybe i just make a big deal out of it, but i am just shocked i suppose, to find out just suddenly, that 3 of them don't realli like me.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
fantastic
today is fantastic. i duno, just wow.
i said i wouldn't let anyone take my shirt off but then she's just too special. i just trust her so much, i know i am being careful and she isn't forcing me so it's ok. if she blindfolded me and said jump i would jump. thats how much i trust her.
i don't know, i'm scared though that when we kiss, she just seems so perfect and i am so scared i am going to embarass myself or screw it all up, i don't have loads of experience in relationships and i love her so much i want to make sure she realises it and i don't mess everything up.
i said i wouldn't let anyone take my shirt off but then she's just too special. i just trust her so much, i know i am being careful and she isn't forcing me so it's ok. if she blindfolded me and said jump i would jump. thats how much i trust her.
i don't know, i'm scared though that when we kiss, she just seems so perfect and i am so scared i am going to embarass myself or screw it all up, i don't have loads of experience in relationships and i love her so much i want to make sure she realises it and i don't mess everything up.
Friday, October 06, 2006
hiya
i am not having the most brillant day. i been realli missin her all day long. on thursday me and her was together properly and everything. it was so great, amazing. but today i like int seen her at all. it hurttttttttttttt. my tummy feels stupid coz i miss her so much.
i just wanna be wit her all the time, her smell and warmth is just like all i need. i duno, i was in my room and where she had been i cud still smell her smell, fantastic smell, and i just wish she was still there. but obviously i know i can't have that. i was laying down last night thinking about her.
this afternoon at lunchtime, i just wanted to be with her, not talk and everything, just know she was there coz i was having a down day. i wanted to miss ICT because i was so tired and upset, i know i shouldn't have and i didn't in the end. that's good. i think. i just do badly wanted to be with her.
i just wanna be wit her all the time, her smell and warmth is just like all i need. i duno, i was in my room and where she had been i cud still smell her smell, fantastic smell, and i just wish she was still there. but obviously i know i can't have that. i was laying down last night thinking about her.
this afternoon at lunchtime, i just wanted to be with her, not talk and everything, just know she was there coz i was having a down day. i wanted to miss ICT because i was so tired and upset, i know i shouldn't have and i didn't in the end. that's good. i think. i just do badly wanted to be with her.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
just fuck off
everyone time i look at my mum i thousand emotions run through me. i want to love her but i can't, she has hurt me too much. last year she told me, promised me she wouldn't leave, promised me she would change but she drove all the way to fucking Scotland and took all the money from the bank. she wouldn't talk to me. i texted and phoned but nothing she turned her fucking phone off.
she went to her friends house, it was massive and had everything. she's really rich. i asked mum if she could everything she wanted or me would she leave? she should have no but she didn't, she changed the subject. i know she doesn't love me. she buys me things but that's not love. if she could have the new massive house and the money she would leave i know it.
no one can understand how that feels to see my own mum and know she doesn't love me and i don't love her. i hate being in this house it hurts so much. i want to scream and smash everything because it is always so quiet. everyone is talking but no one is actually saying anything useful, it is all a mask and a cover.
i want to move away, runaway. i tried but somehow i always get dragged back, i can never quite make it.
she went to her friends house, it was massive and had everything. she's really rich. i asked mum if she could everything she wanted or me would she leave? she should have no but she didn't, she changed the subject. i know she doesn't love me. she buys me things but that's not love. if she could have the new massive house and the money she would leave i know it.
no one can understand how that feels to see my own mum and know she doesn't love me and i don't love her. i hate being in this house it hurts so much. i want to scream and smash everything because it is always so quiet. everyone is talking but no one is actually saying anything useful, it is all a mask and a cover.
i want to move away, runaway. i tried but somehow i always get dragged back, i can never quite make it.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
fucks sake
sometimes i feel so stupid. i think too much, thats my problem, if something goes wrong or i make a mistake i can't just think oh well it happens, i dwell on it all day until i feel sick in the tummy. i wish i was smarter. i am clever at school but in the actual world i am stupid. it is so annoying. i don't know anything about what size tips to leave, i can't even ask the fucking hairdresser for a different style of hair in case they don't know what i want and it comes out wrong.
when i am with my mates i am fine, i can take control sometimes, i've got back up. but when i am by myself i just don't work. it's annoying. i blame my mum sometimes, when i was a kid she was scared off everything, when the phone rang she wouldn't answer it and she always had the curtains shut so no one knocked on our door. she was terrified of everything, she isn't as bad now but it got stuck on me. she passed all her stupid fears and phobias onto me!
i am scared of talking to people i don't know. like this work experience thing, i will probably be sick the night before as i will be so nervous. i have to fight with all the fear she gave me everyday of my fucking life. it gets so boring and annoying. most days i wanna sit in my room and be alone, because then life doesn't get in the way. i can do whatever the hell i want when i want and no one will laugh i won't make mistakes and everything will be ok.
i sometimes wish my mum would leave, i know that sounds mean but she has so fucked my life up in so many ways that sometimes i think i would be better off without her. she passed all her problems onto me and she watches me everyday deal with them and won't help. she won't admit that it's her fault. i can't wait til i leave home and she isn't ruling my life anymore.
when i am with my mates i am fine, i can take control sometimes, i've got back up. but when i am by myself i just don't work. it's annoying. i blame my mum sometimes, when i was a kid she was scared off everything, when the phone rang she wouldn't answer it and she always had the curtains shut so no one knocked on our door. she was terrified of everything, she isn't as bad now but it got stuck on me. she passed all her stupid fears and phobias onto me!
i am scared of talking to people i don't know. like this work experience thing, i will probably be sick the night before as i will be so nervous. i have to fight with all the fear she gave me everyday of my fucking life. it gets so boring and annoying. most days i wanna sit in my room and be alone, because then life doesn't get in the way. i can do whatever the hell i want when i want and no one will laugh i won't make mistakes and everything will be ok.
i sometimes wish my mum would leave, i know that sounds mean but she has so fucked my life up in so many ways that sometimes i think i would be better off without her. she passed all her problems onto me and she watches me everyday deal with them and won't help. she won't admit that it's her fault. i can't wait til i leave home and she isn't ruling my life anymore.
Friday, September 29, 2006
life
i am gonna see the kooks on sunday night but they have now been postponed! thats annoying. at least i get to see them. it is gonna be wicked.
normally i dress just with jeans and shirts and not much make up but me and my mate bex are going to school on monday as emo's! it is gonna be so fun. i am going up the city on sunday to buy some make up and accessories for it. lol. gonna be hilarious. i am having my hair cut anyway all short and choppy like i normally do but i might hair wax it spiky or something.
tasha is probably gonna be all weird with me when she sees it but i don't care much anymore, she has been bitching about me then pretending to be my friend. i don't have time for people like that. i got my life and if i wanna have happy days thats what i gonna have.
omg, in may i have got my work experience and i want to work in a school or architect building, because they are the two jobs i would like to do. but i get nervous really easily! i find it really hard to talk to people that i don't know. especially as they will be a lot older than me! but i am still gonna do it because it would be silly not to, wouldn't it. if i get scared, i'll just ignore it.
normally i dress just with jeans and shirts and not much make up but me and my mate bex are going to school on monday as emo's! it is gonna be so fun. i am going up the city on sunday to buy some make up and accessories for it. lol. gonna be hilarious. i am having my hair cut anyway all short and choppy like i normally do but i might hair wax it spiky or something.
tasha is probably gonna be all weird with me when she sees it but i don't care much anymore, she has been bitching about me then pretending to be my friend. i don't have time for people like that. i got my life and if i wanna have happy days thats what i gonna have.
omg, in may i have got my work experience and i want to work in a school or architect building, because they are the two jobs i would like to do. but i get nervous really easily! i find it really hard to talk to people that i don't know. especially as they will be a lot older than me! but i am still gonna do it because it would be silly not to, wouldn't it. if i get scared, i'll just ignore it.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
im so terribleeeeeeeeeee
yesterday i found out my sister is kinda unhappy but i didn't know becasue i always make time for my friends and myself but me and my sister have never been close. i kinda thought that was just how it was gonna be. but yesterday we were making a joint bebo, msn and we were having loads of fun together. i never actually listen to her but we were talking and she is actually more fun than i thought.
what really got me was when she ' i hope you stay in love forever' i sed 'why' she sed u r loads of fun and you listen to me and be a sister!
omg i thought i was gonna break down in tears, seriously! i really never thought we liked eachother that much but we actually have a lot in common and stuff. god i must sound sooooooo horrible. well, i spose it's true realli. omggggggggggggggggggggg. i am so gonna keep being a sister better now.
what really got me was when she ' i hope you stay in love forever' i sed 'why' she sed u r loads of fun and you listen to me and be a sister!
omg i thought i was gonna break down in tears, seriously! i really never thought we liked eachother that much but we actually have a lot in common and stuff. god i must sound sooooooo horrible. well, i spose it's true realli. omggggggggggggggggggggg. i am so gonna keep being a sister better now.
Friday, September 22, 2006
gorgeous
omg, i am so happy. she is sooooo gorgeous, i still can't believe sometimes how lucky i am. i just wanna hug and kiss her forever. i can't i know. i thought i would be really nervous about kissing but it shows how special she is, i not at all! i just wish we had more time together.
i just like close my eyes when we kiss though and i really worried that i look stupid, but i close my eyes because i want to be able to think about the kiss not anything else.
i just like close my eyes when we kiss though and i really worried that i look stupid, but i close my eyes because i want to be able to think about the kiss not anything else.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
first
lol, today has been really good. at lunchtime me and som and bex were all playing badminton. then when we were changed and bex had gone me and som had our first kiss!
it doesn't sound half as good when i say it but it was really cool. like i dunno, just like perfect! i thought i would be all nervous when it happened but i wasn't. shows how special she is i spose! i have had a butterfly feeling in my tummy all afternoon. i will just grin really big when i remember. i must look really dazed :S. lol, it was great though. but then these two girls walk in room so had to let go and leave. :(
hee hee i smiling now.
it doesn't sound half as good when i say it but it was really cool. like i dunno, just like perfect! i thought i would be all nervous when it happened but i wasn't. shows how special she is i spose! i have had a butterfly feeling in my tummy all afternoon. i will just grin really big when i remember. i must look really dazed :S. lol, it was great though. but then these two girls walk in room so had to let go and leave. :(
hee hee i smiling now.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
what the f***
not so great day. ever since i have been going out with my gf, my mate had been really funny, she is ok with it i know but it like she jealous that i don't spend as much time with her, i used to talk to her and rely on my mate all the time but now i don't, i talk and spend more time with my gf.
it isn't like i can only talk to one person, i have the group but i confided in her most. now she has gone all cold and says things like that i never talk and she will be fine with me then all of a sudden go really cold. like in science we were fine and then i asked a question and she starts, '
oh my god, you are annoying you have completely fucked up the experiment! you are really pissing me off! i am gonna pour this water over your head in a minute if you don't stop.'
i dunno if i was actually being annoying or something, i don't think so and definately not for that reaction. i was so shocked!
she is normally so happy and fun to be with but lately i duno.
it isn't like i can only talk to one person, i have the group but i confided in her most. now she has gone all cold and says things like that i never talk and she will be fine with me then all of a sudden go really cold. like in science we were fine and then i asked a question and she starts, '
oh my god, you are annoying you have completely fucked up the experiment! you are really pissing me off! i am gonna pour this water over your head in a minute if you don't stop.'
i dunno if i was actually being annoying or something, i don't think so and definately not for that reaction. i was so shocked!
she is normally so happy and fun to be with but lately i duno.
Monday, September 11, 2006
definately now, serious
i am actually stopping self harming now.
actually this time! my girlfriend said that she doesn't like it, it hurts her more than me. so i am actually going try this time because i love her.
skin splits so easily though! how easy it is to just run a blade along it, i don't think many people realise just how easy it is. i am not saying that i want anyone to find out.
it is not a habit i want anyone to develop and one that is not easily broken. but i not gonna let it keep taking me over and i refuse to keep using it as a get away, i have friends and an amazing girlfriend so i don't need to cut myself anymore!
coz if she gonna be upset about it NO WAY am i gonna let happen, coz i would rather stop and sometimes get stress (but it isn't for very long) than have her upset, i couldn't stand that ever.
actually this time! my girlfriend said that she doesn't like it, it hurts her more than me. so i am actually going try this time because i love her.
skin splits so easily though! how easy it is to just run a blade along it, i don't think many people realise just how easy it is. i am not saying that i want anyone to find out.
it is not a habit i want anyone to develop and one that is not easily broken. but i not gonna let it keep taking me over and i refuse to keep using it as a get away, i have friends and an amazing girlfriend so i don't need to cut myself anymore!
coz if she gonna be upset about it NO WAY am i gonna let happen, coz i would rather stop and sometimes get stress (but it isn't for very long) than have her upset, i couldn't stand that ever.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
prefer this!
i am happy today, back with my mates, school aswell, but never mind.
at lunch time, my gf leaning against me, and i think i would prefer to sit like that than anything massive and sweet cause just her against me, the warmth i guess, is enough to make me feel happy. like when we hug before lesson. that all i really want i think. just the simple but lovin i spose. i duno i just think it better.
at lunch time, my gf leaning against me, and i think i would prefer to sit like that than anything massive and sweet cause just her against me, the warmth i guess, is enough to make me feel happy. like when we hug before lesson. that all i really want i think. just the simple but lovin i spose. i duno i just think it better.
at school
i am in school! i didn't think it would let me in here, coz the filter system is like reallyyy strict!
anyways, i am feeling really good today, except from the fact that my little sister got me up at like 4.30 am! it is her first day at high school today so i let her off. i can remember feeling the same. i came with her in the car so got here hours before i actully need to be here. coz year 9 + go in at break time so the year 8 can have the school to themselves for a little while. i can remember being really nervous, but she isn't, she is completely sure and everything.
she is my little sister and she taller than me! but i think she is more bothered than i am. i couldn't really care less because i don't really want to be taller than all my friends. she is at least a head taller than hers. too tall for her own good.
most of my friends still int gonna be here for hours yet. got som here though so is all okies. not gonna get bored.
anyways, i am feeling really good today, except from the fact that my little sister got me up at like 4.30 am! it is her first day at high school today so i let her off. i can remember feeling the same. i came with her in the car so got here hours before i actully need to be here. coz year 9 + go in at break time so the year 8 can have the school to themselves for a little while. i can remember being really nervous, but she isn't, she is completely sure and everything.
she is my little sister and she taller than me! but i think she is more bothered than i am. i couldn't really care less because i don't really want to be taller than all my friends. she is at least a head taller than hers. too tall for her own good.
most of my friends still int gonna be here for hours yet. got som here though so is all okies. not gonna get bored.
Friday, September 01, 2006
love
the day before yesterday i text my gf that i love her loads.
yestrday her cousin told me that she didn't go to there dinner out thing. when i ask him why he said that she just was smiling and too happy to go. so when he come back from the dinner thing she still sitting outside and smiling! i was like why she happy, he say that cause she got text! lol.
i can imagine her sitting there actually. when i see her smile it gonna make my tummy go all funny and i go all warm, so when he tell me she done that i go all warm! lol.
yestrday her cousin told me that she didn't go to there dinner out thing. when i ask him why he said that she just was smiling and too happy to go. so when he come back from the dinner thing she still sitting outside and smiling! i was like why she happy, he say that cause she got text! lol.
i can imagine her sitting there actually. when i see her smile it gonna make my tummy go all funny and i go all warm, so when he tell me she done that i go all warm! lol.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
i love you sooo much
i really want to go and sit in the rain. that is what i truly deserve right now. when i had my girlfriend round she was gonna do something special on the way home when we walk, but i didn't know until now, but i wanted to go in car. so we went in car and as we in car i couldn't even hug her when she at home. then i know from her cousin that she really upset about it.
how can i be so naive? i don't deserve love. i am so stupid. i really love her. truly. she is what i got up for in the mornings, it so much fun with her. i really love her. i can't think why the hell she would want me though?!
i always screw up.
how can i be so naive? i don't deserve love. i am so stupid. i really love her. truly. she is what i got up for in the mornings, it so much fun with her. i really love her. i can't think why the hell she would want me though?!
i always screw up.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
better now
i have just been for a bike ride, i feel a lot better to get out of the house.
much more refreshed. i had a bad morning but am great now. so is all okies! i sometimes can't believe that i can get so down then have such happy moments for ages. prefer happier though lol.
much more refreshed. i had a bad morning but am great now. so is all okies! i sometimes can't believe that i can get so down then have such happy moments for ages. prefer happier though lol.
this finishes now!
this morning i couldn't believe how i could just break the promise i made myself so easily! i had a badge and was about to scratch the words 'fat' into my stomach when i though my mum would find out and kill me. i've got scars on my arms i'm not gonna let myself have them on my stomach aswell!
i will stop. i will make it stop.
i will stop. i will make it stop.
diets just don't work!
i am so angry with myself. i promised myself before the holidays began that it wouldn't be the same as all the others, normally i just do nothing and eat all the time, because there is no structure to my day and i don't really do any hobbies during the holidays.
i lost loads of weight in the last couple of weeks of the school term and managed to get down to 8 stone. but i didn't try, i told myself that it was only a biscuit, only a bag of crisps but then i just stopped doing anything and all the weight i lost was put all back on.
that is all i seem to do, diet then binge then start all over again. i am getting so tired of it all. i wish i could just stick to a healthy lifestyle!
i lost loads of weight in the last couple of weeks of the school term and managed to get down to 8 stone. but i didn't try, i told myself that it was only a biscuit, only a bag of crisps but then i just stopped doing anything and all the weight i lost was put all back on.
that is all i seem to do, diet then binge then start all over again. i am getting so tired of it all. i wish i could just stick to a healthy lifestyle!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
all by myself
i am feeling realli alone. the person who could make me feel better is in london though, and i'm not gonna train down there because,
1. i don't know where they are
2. i'm not allowed
3. i think they are there for a reason so i can't.
it so rubbish i not gonna see them until the beginning of school in two weeks!
sometimes i wish there was someone to hold me, they wouldn't ask questions, they wouldn't give me their advice, they wouldn't think about it, just hold me until i felt safe. i don't think that's going to happen though.
1. i don't know where they are
2. i'm not allowed
3. i think they are there for a reason so i can't.
it so rubbish i not gonna see them until the beginning of school in two weeks!
sometimes i wish there was someone to hold me, they wouldn't ask questions, they wouldn't give me their advice, they wouldn't think about it, just hold me until i felt safe. i don't think that's going to happen though.
Monday, August 21, 2006
my dad is annoying me now
My dad is getting over the limit. Correction, IS over the limit. Everytime he comes into a room he has to poke, prod or make fun of someone then laugh at his own joke, if he wants to stay friends with me, that's not really the way to go about it.
i am 14, and i don't think he realises that. he can't just chill, then after he has annoyed the hell out of me and my sister and mum he'll go all off in a strop and sulk and shout at us all because we snap at him!
it is just ridiculous. why does he bother, you shouldn't have to try in a relationship, it should be natural but he is squashing all the fun and everything out of the relatonships he has with his family.
whenever he gets in from work i don't think hi dad, nice day or something i think god, brace yourselves. he will mess up or jog you when your writing and then laugh and pull a stupid face. he isn't stupid, he is actually really clever and he isn't a loser, i'm not just defending him, he's always out with his mates and stuff, he just can't be as he is with his family as he is with mates.
i am 14, and i don't think he realises that. he can't just chill, then after he has annoyed the hell out of me and my sister and mum he'll go all off in a strop and sulk and shout at us all because we snap at him!
it is just ridiculous. why does he bother, you shouldn't have to try in a relationship, it should be natural but he is squashing all the fun and everything out of the relatonships he has with his family.
whenever he gets in from work i don't think hi dad, nice day or something i think god, brace yourselves. he will mess up or jog you when your writing and then laugh and pull a stupid face. he isn't stupid, he is actually really clever and he isn't a loser, i'm not just defending him, he's always out with his mates and stuff, he just can't be as he is with his family as he is with mates.
Friday, August 11, 2006
death speeches
every night i make death speeches, just before i go to bed. i make speeches to friends, to family, i don't write them down obviously, but they are there in my head. if i get hit by a car what are my last words? i don't know why i do it but i can't help myself. i lay there and say all the things i wish i could in life, in the last moment of life i can say it all. but what do i say to people when i am alive. sometimes i wish i was almost dead so i could say all i want and tell the truth. like i am told i am going to die in a week, what do i do and say. i would rather that happen than me go on like this.
if i were told tomorrow that i had a week to live i would cherish it and tell evryone i knew all that i can't say now. i would cry because the tears i have held in for years would finally flow. i would be happy. i wish that that would happen. i will wake up and realise it is nearly over.
i see the knives in the kitchen and think i used to cut myself with those. yet i can still look at them and use them and not think at the time of self harm. i must be stronger than i thought sometimes yet i still don't see why i did stop, it wasn't my choice. i hate that i can't live and forget all it takes it something i see or hear to bring all the past up again. i hate that feeling. sometimes i think about it and think that the ache and the feeling will eventually turn into only the past and i won't see them around the corner anymore.
if i were told tomorrow that i had a week to live i would cherish it and tell evryone i knew all that i can't say now. i would cry because the tears i have held in for years would finally flow. i would be happy. i wish that that would happen. i will wake up and realise it is nearly over.
i see the knives in the kitchen and think i used to cut myself with those. yet i can still look at them and use them and not think at the time of self harm. i must be stronger than i thought sometimes yet i still don't see why i did stop, it wasn't my choice. i hate that i can't live and forget all it takes it something i see or hear to bring all the past up again. i hate that feeling. sometimes i think about it and think that the ache and the feeling will eventually turn into only the past and i won't see them around the corner anymore.
lonely on holiday
i just am kinda bored. holidays are great but most of my friends don't live near and there isn't much to do. i sometimes wish there was more to do, i want to go to the beach with everyone, train down, but if this rain holds up that's gonna be impossible. i love the sea in the rain and sun but not many other people agree.
it doesn't help that i am feeling so lonely. i am in a housefull of people and children, mum is a childminder, yet i am lonely. sometimes when i have the house to myself it feels more comfortable. i wish that someone i love would hold me. like i could just sit there and feel comfortable and not like any judgements are near or anything.
my mum and me are always together in the house but we are never together. she is so difficult to understand, she never talks about problems and judgment is massive in her life. she had problems and she passed them onto me. i had councelling for it. i don't blame her, it isn't her fault. i sometimes feel as if we don't have a relationship. i don't want to move away or be pushed away and never have a reason to return to see her. i am terrified that we will drift apart so much and never talk and share that the only similarity we have is a name and a house. i don't want that to happen.
the room me and my sister share has this mattress in it that we need to get rid of, she blames me for it being there when it is a joint responsibility. she actually threw it at me when i was in bed because i had taken it out from under my bed in order to deal with it. i tidied up her mess for years, mum used to say to us that both of us would miss out on treats if the room wasn't tidy and hannah would always not tidy it. i would do it. hannah's mess isn't normal mess, i actually have to catapult myself towards my bed at the far side of the room to get over it. i can't get to the window and door without a major effort on my part. i can't sleep in that environment.
am i asking too much by saying can she keep her dirty clothes in a washbin and her stuff in the boxes under her bed.
it is my fault, if i hadn't tidied it and just made her do it and hadn't given up then she would maybe be used to doing it now. mum used to say to me, just tidy it, you are good at it. that way we can avoid arguments.
now for the past 3 years every time i tidy my 12 year old sister's mess up i make a vow to myself that this is the last time. then when it overwhelms me and i become a prisoner in my own room i give in, this cycle tears me up inside and the whole time i am tidying the mess and slowly breaking all my vows to myself i cry the whole time. i am not just breaking a promise, i am breaking a promise to myself, the worst part is that it is probably my fault.
it sounds stupid doesn't it that all this is over a room. it sounds it, but if you ever lived like it you would feel the same. i am reduced to hurting myself in order to shut up my mum and sister screaming at eachother. hannah never says thank you, and she told me the other day when i left my notepad on the floor beside my bed that i was filthy and untidy.
i can feel it inside myself now, i can not go into my own room because i feel ill and uncomfortable. i must sound like such an idiot.
it doesn't help that i am feeling so lonely. i am in a housefull of people and children, mum is a childminder, yet i am lonely. sometimes when i have the house to myself it feels more comfortable. i wish that someone i love would hold me. like i could just sit there and feel comfortable and not like any judgements are near or anything.
my mum and me are always together in the house but we are never together. she is so difficult to understand, she never talks about problems and judgment is massive in her life. she had problems and she passed them onto me. i had councelling for it. i don't blame her, it isn't her fault. i sometimes feel as if we don't have a relationship. i don't want to move away or be pushed away and never have a reason to return to see her. i am terrified that we will drift apart so much and never talk and share that the only similarity we have is a name and a house. i don't want that to happen.
the room me and my sister share has this mattress in it that we need to get rid of, she blames me for it being there when it is a joint responsibility. she actually threw it at me when i was in bed because i had taken it out from under my bed in order to deal with it. i tidied up her mess for years, mum used to say to us that both of us would miss out on treats if the room wasn't tidy and hannah would always not tidy it. i would do it. hannah's mess isn't normal mess, i actually have to catapult myself towards my bed at the far side of the room to get over it. i can't get to the window and door without a major effort on my part. i can't sleep in that environment.
am i asking too much by saying can she keep her dirty clothes in a washbin and her stuff in the boxes under her bed.
it is my fault, if i hadn't tidied it and just made her do it and hadn't given up then she would maybe be used to doing it now. mum used to say to me, just tidy it, you are good at it. that way we can avoid arguments.
now for the past 3 years every time i tidy my 12 year old sister's mess up i make a vow to myself that this is the last time. then when it overwhelms me and i become a prisoner in my own room i give in, this cycle tears me up inside and the whole time i am tidying the mess and slowly breaking all my vows to myself i cry the whole time. i am not just breaking a promise, i am breaking a promise to myself, the worst part is that it is probably my fault.
it sounds stupid doesn't it that all this is over a room. it sounds it, but if you ever lived like it you would feel the same. i am reduced to hurting myself in order to shut up my mum and sister screaming at eachother. hannah never says thank you, and she told me the other day when i left my notepad on the floor beside my bed that i was filthy and untidy.
i can feel it inside myself now, i can not go into my own room because i feel ill and uncomfortable. i must sound like such an idiot.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
omg fate (or woteva)
this person has fancied me since year 8, i didn't realise this, but what they didn't realise is that so had i them. it all spilled out the other day.
their parents found out and hate it, my parents know and are cool. the person is really upset though, i feel terrible for them, but we have sworn to stay together.
this relationship could cause problems in my friendships, some are fine with it some aren't, i don't know how they will react when they know. i don't want to cause problems, hopefully they will be the same as before and everything will be normal still. i don't want to lose any friends.
their parents found out and hate it, my parents know and are cool. the person is really upset though, i feel terrible for them, but we have sworn to stay together.
this relationship could cause problems in my friendships, some are fine with it some aren't, i don't know how they will react when they know. i don't want to cause problems, hopefully they will be the same as before and everything will be normal still. i don't want to lose any friends.
my friends and the perfect song.
It's the Stuff that Dreams are Made of. Carly Simon.For my friends >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's the slow and steady fire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's your heart and soul's desire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
What if the Prince on the horse in your fairytale
Is right here in disguise
And what if the stars you've been reaching so high for
Are shining in his eyes
Don't look at yourself in the same old way
Take another picture
Shoot the stars off in your own backyard
Don't look any furtherAnd you will see
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's the slow and steady fire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's your heart and soul's desire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of..
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
summer holidays
i am on my holidays now, well, it wednesday. so i been on holidays for quite a while now, lol. i have been reading my diary, i know boring but i like to see how far i have come. i can't believe how different i am in personality in just 4 months.
4 months ago was when i went through my bad depression stage, the not eating, the self harm, the tears that would never fall. i am so happy and glad to have such AMAZING friends, without i sometimes wonder whether i would still be here. that sounds melodramatic but it true.
i think when you come so close to utter depression and collapsing then you realise you never want it again. i have been taking life by the hand and giving everything i have. i still have problems with adjusting to my family, but at school i actually want to be there. i want to have challenges and see friends and have the fun.
at home my parents are always arguing, i think they don't realise what it does to the atmosphere; i remember clearly every fight they ever had. i can remember holding my little sister as she shivered with fright in my arms, wishing that both parents would come out alright from behind the door. on those nights i had to grow up, i wasn't allowed to be scared, i waasn't allowed to cry because i was responsible for my sister. it isn't her fault, i know that. it isn't my parents either. i just wish i could erase the guilt, regret and resentment welling up everytime i see them in a new argument. i just want to scream, don't you love me? don't you understand what you are doing to me?
i never cry, the tears are too well buried, i don't want them to rise for how will i stop them? every night i lay asleep and star at the ceiling, making death speeches. speeches to my friends, to my parents. speeches saying everything. sometimes i am close to death because of something i have done to myself, sometimes it is an accident. i hate them, why do i make speeches all the time like this? i won't need them. i have millions, they are my way of release, i can imagine my parents listening as they don't in reality. they listen from behind their bars in my dreams. they listen and they actually hear. everyone is quiet and they all listen, they all hear. they don't say anything, they don't give their opinions, i don't want them. but they hear me, and my parents say sorry, my friends say goodbye, they understand. they all hear me.
in reality my friends listen but i know they don't understand, they listen but they don't hear. the person in my head, the self harm, the not eating. i was fucked up, i will not deny that, i was. seriously messed up. i changed, i didn't want the lifestyle anymore. it wasn't helping me, it wasn't making me happy. it was ruining my relationships. it wasn't right. my mate, who went through the same sort of things, helped, just by helping them it helped me, i had a purpose, that was all i needed. i don't know if i helped them, i hope so.
4 months ago was when i went through my bad depression stage, the not eating, the self harm, the tears that would never fall. i am so happy and glad to have such AMAZING friends, without i sometimes wonder whether i would still be here. that sounds melodramatic but it true.
i think when you come so close to utter depression and collapsing then you realise you never want it again. i have been taking life by the hand and giving everything i have. i still have problems with adjusting to my family, but at school i actually want to be there. i want to have challenges and see friends and have the fun.
at home my parents are always arguing, i think they don't realise what it does to the atmosphere; i remember clearly every fight they ever had. i can remember holding my little sister as she shivered with fright in my arms, wishing that both parents would come out alright from behind the door. on those nights i had to grow up, i wasn't allowed to be scared, i waasn't allowed to cry because i was responsible for my sister. it isn't her fault, i know that. it isn't my parents either. i just wish i could erase the guilt, regret and resentment welling up everytime i see them in a new argument. i just want to scream, don't you love me? don't you understand what you are doing to me?
i never cry, the tears are too well buried, i don't want them to rise for how will i stop them? every night i lay asleep and star at the ceiling, making death speeches. speeches to my friends, to my parents. speeches saying everything. sometimes i am close to death because of something i have done to myself, sometimes it is an accident. i hate them, why do i make speeches all the time like this? i won't need them. i have millions, they are my way of release, i can imagine my parents listening as they don't in reality. they listen from behind their bars in my dreams. they listen and they actually hear. everyone is quiet and they all listen, they all hear. they don't say anything, they don't give their opinions, i don't want them. but they hear me, and my parents say sorry, my friends say goodbye, they understand. they all hear me.
in reality my friends listen but i know they don't understand, they listen but they don't hear. the person in my head, the self harm, the not eating. i was fucked up, i will not deny that, i was. seriously messed up. i changed, i didn't want the lifestyle anymore. it wasn't helping me, it wasn't making me happy. it was ruining my relationships. it wasn't right. my mate, who went through the same sort of things, helped, just by helping them it helped me, i had a purpose, that was all i needed. i don't know if i helped them, i hope so.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
:( :) :( :)
i have had such an exhausting day! i have been a bit tired all week but today i was at the point of collapsing, i was playing catch at school with som and i actually had to concentrate.
i was so knackered! i have felt as if i have nothing left to give, i'm dry, done with it all, i've nothing left in me to carry on, but i do.
the thought of my friends keeps me going, everyone morning my body has told me to stay, to go to sleep, it can't do it but everyday i drag myself up and get ready then pull myself onto my bike and haul myself half an hour to school, where i concentrate all day and pull out all my energy stops at school. i am always the first one up at lunch and first with the ball.
thats what we have become obssessed with at school recently, one of us found a tennis ball weeks ago, since we have been playing catch in the classrooms, on the field, everywhere. it is like breathing now almost lol. it sounds boring but it surprising how much fun it can be, how much fun one tennis ball can be.
i was so knackered! i have felt as if i have nothing left to give, i'm dry, done with it all, i've nothing left in me to carry on, but i do.
the thought of my friends keeps me going, everyone morning my body has told me to stay, to go to sleep, it can't do it but everyday i drag myself up and get ready then pull myself onto my bike and haul myself half an hour to school, where i concentrate all day and pull out all my energy stops at school. i am always the first one up at lunch and first with the ball.
thats what we have become obssessed with at school recently, one of us found a tennis ball weeks ago, since we have been playing catch in the classrooms, on the field, everywhere. it is like breathing now almost lol. it sounds boring but it surprising how much fun it can be, how much fun one tennis ball can be.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
pleasure wood hills
at school we went to pleasure wood hills, i have never ever been on any rides before or woteva. i went on wizzy dizzy first, i decided i wasn't going to be one of these people that doesn't like rides, i LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT TODAY.LOL.
on the way home it was funny, i fell asleep against the window and som fell asleep on my shoulder, but tasha took a picture and woke us both up. som just turned around and she was all curled up on her seat with her feet leant against the seat in front, she looked so sweet.
i took a picture on tasha's phone, i was holding it at the time so thought i might as well. but som woke up just as it saved so i had to throw it back at tasha, som was a little stressed with me then but i cheered her up, lol. we couldn't be stressed for ages.
on the way home it was funny, i fell asleep against the window and som fell asleep on my shoulder, but tasha took a picture and woke us both up. som just turned around and she was all curled up on her seat with her feet leant against the seat in front, she looked so sweet.
i took a picture on tasha's phone, i was holding it at the time so thought i might as well. but som woke up just as it saved so i had to throw it back at tasha, som was a little stressed with me then but i cheered her up, lol. we couldn't be stressed for ages.
Friday, July 14, 2006
introduction to ma mates
i'll introduce you to some of my best gal mates:
Bex; i would probably have died without her, she is amazing and completely underestimated and taken for granted. She is loads of fun.
Tasha; she is like never embarassed and takes risks and is loads of fun, we always have loads of laughs.
Som; she is fantastic, so much fun and we always mess around, she always wins as she is so much stronger but i always look forward to seing to her. she makes me laugh everyday until my sides split lol!
Judith; she is really sporty and always makes the people around her want to join in. she is always happy and fun, amazing.
Kayleigh; she is fun and bubbly and is always up for a laugh.
in the picture is, in order of left to right; som, judith, kayleigh, tasha, india, bex. i am not in it because i was taking the picture.
best day in ages
i have had the most awesome day ever. at school today we had a sports day, i only did the triple jump and the sports mile but the whole school was allowed to just be on the field all day.
me, som, judith, tasha and bex were just messing around all day. me and som kept beating each other up, but in a good fun way.
it was one of my happiest days all year, literally. nothing happened but it was absolutely the best, so much fun, indescribable, absolute.
me, som, judith, tasha and bex were just messing around all day. me and som kept beating each other up, but in a good fun way.
it was one of my happiest days all year, literally. nothing happened but it was absolutely the best, so much fun, indescribable, absolute.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
isn't it funny
Isnt it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a a mini with a tshirt that barely cover anything?
Isnt it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?
Isnt it funny that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone
Isnt it funny an emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?
Isnt it funny that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?
Its so funny that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.
Isnt it funny that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.
How can you call a girl a poser, how can you say "you're emo" or "attention seeker" without spending a second trying to figure out why there are cuts on her wrists and why she spends her lunchtimes crying instead of laughing with her friends
Isnt it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life
without knowing her situation with her friends or her family or her Life
Brave isnt going up on stage and stripping
Brave is not saying a speech
Or dumping your boyfriend
Brave is
Going to school on mufti day and not for a second caring what the whores around you are saying about your clothes
Its listening to your own music and being proud of it
Its going through every day with the things people say to your face and behind your back and you still keep quiet
Its knowing what your "friends" are saying about you and still calling them your friends
Brave is knowing that tomorrow isnt a bright and happy future
Its another day of bitching and dodging rumours
Isnt it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?
Isnt it funny that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone
Isnt it funny an emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?
Isnt it funny that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?
Its so funny that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.
Isnt it funny that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.
How can you call a girl a poser, how can you say "you're emo" or "attention seeker" without spending a second trying to figure out why there are cuts on her wrists and why she spends her lunchtimes crying instead of laughing with her friends
Isnt it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life
without knowing her situation with her friends or her family or her Life
Brave isnt going up on stage and stripping
Brave is not saying a speech
Or dumping your boyfriend
Brave is
Going to school on mufti day and not for a second caring what the whores around you are saying about your clothes
Its listening to your own music and being proud of it
Its going through every day with the things people say to your face and behind your back and you still keep quiet
Its knowing what your "friends" are saying about you and still calling them your friends
Brave is knowing that tomorrow isnt a bright and happy future
Its another day of bitching and dodging rumours
nothing left in my life
i feel deflated. like everything around me is too unstable, nothing i can rely on. like evrything i had is slowly falling away.
I went through a rough patch, self harm, not eating, not sleeping and i am scared it will happen again because i can feel the same thing beginning.
i hate it, it scares me to death but i become obssessed. it's like being bullied, but i am the one hurting myself.
I went through a rough patch, self harm, not eating, not sleeping and i am scared it will happen again because i can feel the same thing beginning.
i hate it, it scares me to death but i become obssessed. it's like being bullied, but i am the one hurting myself.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
it only hurts when i'm breathing.
i feel like screaming, like, screaming until my lungs are broken and my throat is raw, my heart and head might stop screaming at me then. i play music full blast into my head so i can't hear what's already in there.
my mum and dad argue, snidy remarks, they don't shout, just whisper to eachother. as if me and hannah can't hear, i lay there at night, wishing it would stop. they used to fight, hit eachother, mum hit, dad hit. i used to think that it was dad's fault, but my mum is just as bad. they don't need to scream at me but i scream at myself enough as it is.
at school i smile and laugh, sometimes i truly forget but most of the time i feel fake. i feel pointless. i blame myself for their arguing. if i get better results at school they would be happier. i got two 7s in my SATs and when i told them, they said well done and virtually ignored me.
they are so wrapped up in their own arguments and pain to i am only human.
i may be younger than them, but i still feel as much pain as they do. i thought if i did extra work they would be happier and not ignore me, it didn't work. i started going to after school clubs so as to stay away from home.
my parents never get hurt badly when they fight, it isn't serious or anything. it's the emotional pain that hurts, not the physical.
i used to self- harm because it took the emotional pain to physical pain instead, but mum laughed at me and said i was attention seeking.
i go to friend's houses and think that their lives must be so much better than mine. i probably am attention seeking.
i have been to councelling but i stopped, not because i was better but because to bring happiness you need to get rid of pain, and i couldn't do it.
i love my parents, i do. i love them, but i sometimes think do they love me? i get good grades and they are proud, but do they really love me. they would save me, but is it because they truly love me unconditionally.
if they had the choice between perfect lifestyle and me would they stay or leave me? i haven't told anyone this because they won't believe me.
i want to cry, really badly, but the tears won't fall. they are too well held back, now they won't fall. i have prevented them from erupting so long now that if they do fall will i ever stop?
i want to scream, sing, dance, cry, sob. most of all i want to love. love someone who loves me. who shows it and who loves me through my faults, someone who i can be with and they won't question me, just listen. i don't want their opinion, just their support. i don't even need them to agree, just to be there if they do or don't. i want to be alone for a day, week, month, year. how ever long it takes for me to feel i can face the world without the constant fear of being knocked down. i smile and laugh, so why can't i cry? is there something wrong with me?
my mum and dad argue, snidy remarks, they don't shout, just whisper to eachother. as if me and hannah can't hear, i lay there at night, wishing it would stop. they used to fight, hit eachother, mum hit, dad hit. i used to think that it was dad's fault, but my mum is just as bad. they don't need to scream at me but i scream at myself enough as it is.
at school i smile and laugh, sometimes i truly forget but most of the time i feel fake. i feel pointless. i blame myself for their arguing. if i get better results at school they would be happier. i got two 7s in my SATs and when i told them, they said well done and virtually ignored me.
they are so wrapped up in their own arguments and pain to i am only human.
i may be younger than them, but i still feel as much pain as they do. i thought if i did extra work they would be happier and not ignore me, it didn't work. i started going to after school clubs so as to stay away from home.
my parents never get hurt badly when they fight, it isn't serious or anything. it's the emotional pain that hurts, not the physical.
i used to self- harm because it took the emotional pain to physical pain instead, but mum laughed at me and said i was attention seeking.
i go to friend's houses and think that their lives must be so much better than mine. i probably am attention seeking.
i have been to councelling but i stopped, not because i was better but because to bring happiness you need to get rid of pain, and i couldn't do it.
i love my parents, i do. i love them, but i sometimes think do they love me? i get good grades and they are proud, but do they really love me. they would save me, but is it because they truly love me unconditionally.
if they had the choice between perfect lifestyle and me would they stay or leave me? i haven't told anyone this because they won't believe me.
i want to cry, really badly, but the tears won't fall. they are too well held back, now they won't fall. i have prevented them from erupting so long now that if they do fall will i ever stop?
i want to scream, sing, dance, cry, sob. most of all i want to love. love someone who loves me. who shows it and who loves me through my faults, someone who i can be with and they won't question me, just listen. i don't want their opinion, just their support. i don't even need them to agree, just to be there if they do or don't. i want to be alone for a day, week, month, year. how ever long it takes for me to feel i can face the world without the constant fear of being knocked down. i smile and laugh, so why can't i cry? is there something wrong with me?
Monday, July 03, 2006
omg, here i go again
i am so annoyed, i am doing loads of exercise and eating relatively good but i can't lose the fat arounf my legs. people at school say it isn't noticeably and when i told som i am heavier than her she didn't believe me, i suppose it makes me feel quite good. but what they don't get is that it isn't how other people see me as much but how i feel in my self.
i must be a really annoying person, always being so diffficult, i think i am really annoying and i try to hide anger and sadness because my friends don't need that do they!
i must be a really annoying person, always being so diffficult, i think i am really annoying and i try to hide anger and sadness because my friends don't need that do they!
Monday, June 19, 2006
love, life, leave me alone.
having a bad day. it was alright most of the day until i got a belly ache and it was still 1 1/2 hours to go home.
i will tell you the back ground, jack is my mate som's cousin, he starting speaking to me a while ago. he live in london. the first time he saw me was when ben had turned webcam on and i didn't realise and was dancing in my room, not bad dancing or woteva, just body ripples and that. well, jack was round som's so saw me.
he said he liked me and som kept teasing me. i din't think much of it. i talked to jack loads, he said he fancied me but i thought he was joking. but som kept saying he wasn't. i convinced myself i didn't fancy him even though all my friends said it was obvious i did. so eventually i let myself like him.
he was going to move to norwich in august but his mum has decided to send him to boarding school, who actually goes there these days. so we won't ever be able to go out because i won't ever see him. or speak that much because he can't go on msn all the time anymore.
it completely sucks. am i not worth it? thats it isn't it! i don't deserve being liked. i don't deserve it, do i? this is why i don't let myself love easily in the first place, it just hurts.
i will tell you the back ground, jack is my mate som's cousin, he starting speaking to me a while ago. he live in london. the first time he saw me was when ben had turned webcam on and i didn't realise and was dancing in my room, not bad dancing or woteva, just body ripples and that. well, jack was round som's so saw me.
he said he liked me and som kept teasing me. i din't think much of it. i talked to jack loads, he said he fancied me but i thought he was joking. but som kept saying he wasn't. i convinced myself i didn't fancy him even though all my friends said it was obvious i did. so eventually i let myself like him.
he was going to move to norwich in august but his mum has decided to send him to boarding school, who actually goes there these days. so we won't ever be able to go out because i won't ever see him. or speak that much because he can't go on msn all the time anymore.
it completely sucks. am i not worth it? thats it isn't it! i don't deserve being liked. i don't deserve it, do i? this is why i don't let myself love easily in the first place, it just hurts.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
heehee
i am feeling really good lately, i have been going for it!
on thursday there is this club after school for the girls, rounders, badminton, tennis etc. normally i wouldn't have gone because i would have had to bike home by myself.
i went for it and had an absolutely brillant time, me, som and judith and this girl we didn't know, lois, played badminton and it was fantastic.
i didn't evn mind biking the half hour by myself. i got home in time for the england kick off as well. so everything was great.
now i am doing more exercise and getting more energy though i am finding it easier to sleep and wake up.
on saturdays i don't normally get up until 12 o' clock. i woke up at 6;30. on normally days i keep waking up at 5:30am, i just have so much more energy for life. the feeling is absolutely amazing. so go for it next time you don't feel absolutely comfortable, it will pay off. it did for me!
on thursday there is this club after school for the girls, rounders, badminton, tennis etc. normally i wouldn't have gone because i would have had to bike home by myself.
i went for it and had an absolutely brillant time, me, som and judith and this girl we didn't know, lois, played badminton and it was fantastic.
i didn't evn mind biking the half hour by myself. i got home in time for the england kick off as well. so everything was great.
now i am doing more exercise and getting more energy though i am finding it easier to sleep and wake up.
on saturdays i don't normally get up until 12 o' clock. i woke up at 6;30. on normally days i keep waking up at 5:30am, i just have so much more energy for life. the feeling is absolutely amazing. so go for it next time you don't feel absolutely comfortable, it will pay off. it did for me!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
i wish...
hiya ppl,
i was in the park with some mates and i realised something really depressing, i have nothing to be proud of in my life. i am happy with nothing. i asked my mate what i could do better than her and we couldn't find anything. i really wish i was anorexic sometimes, then i would be thin. i wish i was happy, people would describe it as being ok with who you are. they are wrong, being happy is having other people tell you that you're thin, that you can sing etc. if everyone only felt happy if they were ok with themselves then no one would be happy with other people.
i was in the park with some mates and i realised something really depressing, i have nothing to be proud of in my life. i am happy with nothing. i asked my mate what i could do better than her and we couldn't find anything. i really wish i was anorexic sometimes, then i would be thin. i wish i was happy, people would describe it as being ok with who you are. they are wrong, being happy is having other people tell you that you're thin, that you can sing etc. if everyone only felt happy if they were ok with themselves then no one would be happy with other people.
Monday, June 05, 2006
been off school
i been off school today, couldn''t do it, had a headache, no energy kept blacking out. it so annoying. i have decided today, whilst upstairs alone, that i am going to try and change how i react with my family. i am quite a quick to attack person, not physically. i just snap a lot. so i am going to try to be someone people can get along with easier, that includes at school.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
woowoo
me up at a ridiculous hour! 6am! i didn't go to bed until about 1am!
got some mates over, normally i don't go to sleep at all but i have another sleepover tonight and ppl were tired tonight. i am the only one up, lol! i got my dancing group round.
tonight i going round a best mates instead, there gonna be, hopefully, me, tasha, ceci and bex going round judiths. it gonna be wicked.
i am wearing my converse and jeans this time though, last time i was round i was trying to play football in a short skirt and boots, extremely difficult. it hard against judith already, she is so good it scary, she like can do everything, it's like she can control the ball at the slightest touch. me on the other hand never play, lol. the matching is hardly fair, but i am learning, she's got me into it.
got some mates over, normally i don't go to sleep at all but i have another sleepover tonight and ppl were tired tonight. i am the only one up, lol! i got my dancing group round.
tonight i going round a best mates instead, there gonna be, hopefully, me, tasha, ceci and bex going round judiths. it gonna be wicked.
i am wearing my converse and jeans this time though, last time i was round i was trying to play football in a short skirt and boots, extremely difficult. it hard against judith already, she is so good it scary, she like can do everything, it's like she can control the ball at the slightest touch. me on the other hand never play, lol. the matching is hardly fair, but i am learning, she's got me into it.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
wow, good friends
i was just thinking, stupid i know, it's the holidays, and i think it's really cool that me and ben are such good friends. we have been out with eachother 3 times and ha a massive break up. yet we still have tonnes of fun together, we can turn an hour journey into 6 hours, without realising. it's cool, i think we'll still be friends when we're like different colleges and stuff. lol.
my past
i have just been reading through my diary which i have had for the past 4 years. not long i know. it has all my life in it from then. it is so weird because i am sure i don't remember having all those emotions, the pain, the happiness. my life is more interesting than i thought. when i let a mate read it. they said it was addictive and wouldn't give it back, perosnally i thought it would be the most boring read ever!
Monday, May 29, 2006
my mum might hate me
i think my mum hates me. she keeps being really sharp with me. i don't know what i am doing.
i am going to try harder, like do house work and be more tidy, i left my plate on the table and she told me off loads, so i need to change.
i did try to be happier, bt it didn't work, she still doesn't see it. if my sats results are good then maybe we would get on better. i know she is still angry with me because she took hannah on a £150 shopping spree and wouldn't take me. i think it's because she hates the way i turned out, she had real problems, she couldn't even open a curtain when i was small because she didn't like doing anything.
i became really nervous and culdn't do stuff either because i had it hammered into me as a child that the world was scary. i think she hates that i am like that. i don't mean to be. it's not her fault i am so messed up. i am trying to get better.
i am going to try harder, like do house work and be more tidy, i left my plate on the table and she told me off loads, so i need to change.
i did try to be happier, bt it didn't work, she still doesn't see it. if my sats results are good then maybe we would get on better. i know she is still angry with me because she took hannah on a £150 shopping spree and wouldn't take me. i think it's because she hates the way i turned out, she had real problems, she couldn't even open a curtain when i was small because she didn't like doing anything.
i became really nervous and culdn't do stuff either because i had it hammered into me as a child that the world was scary. i think she hates that i am like that. i don't mean to be. it's not her fault i am so messed up. i am trying to get better.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
soo tired
i am so tired, i haven't slept in like 32 hours! i am kinda happy though.
i let two of my friends read my diary. not all of it, some of it is way too personal. i watched them read it and you could see the understanding in his face.
i don't know why but them reading it even though it's personal made me feel better.
the first thing he said was how upsetting and painful it was. the different entries all own their own hurt.
i wouldn't have normally let anyone read it but i had a moment where it thought what the hell?? it has helped me becasue now they know more about me as a person, i don't need to explain because they read it how i had felt at the time, what could be more accurate?
i let two of my friends read my diary. not all of it, some of it is way too personal. i watched them read it and you could see the understanding in his face.
i don't know why but them reading it even though it's personal made me feel better.
the first thing he said was how upsetting and painful it was. the different entries all own their own hurt.
i wouldn't have normally let anyone read it but i had a moment where it thought what the hell?? it has helped me becasue now they know more about me as a person, i don't need to explain because they read it how i had felt at the time, what could be more accurate?
great weekend
i have just got online after the most cool weekend!
friday after school i went round my friend tasha's, then we decided for me to sleep there. it was awesome, i watched ET for the first time in like 8 years. we only got about 3 hours sleep. in the morning i curled her hair and she looked gorgeous, we went to the city to meet Abi, Lucy, Hannah and Vicky.
we went all over the city. i went to buy my converse all stars, they are lush.
tasha came round mine and we were watching telly and eating kebabs when we decided Ben should so come round for a sleepover. he didn't believe us at first but me and tasha went and got him.
we were on msn until we went upstairs to chat etc. we stayed awake all night just talking and going on msn. tasha is currently sleeping on the bed near me, she knackered. us three were in a room together for like 12 hours, it was really funny, we didn't argue or anything. it was so totally fun and awesome. i would get my hair cut today but i am too tired.
friday after school i went round my friend tasha's, then we decided for me to sleep there. it was awesome, i watched ET for the first time in like 8 years. we only got about 3 hours sleep. in the morning i curled her hair and she looked gorgeous, we went to the city to meet Abi, Lucy, Hannah and Vicky.
we went all over the city. i went to buy my converse all stars, they are lush.
tasha came round mine and we were watching telly and eating kebabs when we decided Ben should so come round for a sleepover. he didn't believe us at first but me and tasha went and got him.
we were on msn until we went upstairs to chat etc. we stayed awake all night just talking and going on msn. tasha is currently sleeping on the bed near me, she knackered. us three were in a room together for like 12 hours, it was really funny, we didn't argue or anything. it was so totally fun and awesome. i would get my hair cut today but i am too tired.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
mixed up
i am feeling mixed up. i don't know what to do. i can't live like this any more. at school i am a really smily person, i love seeing all my mates and living the day, but at home i change.
my mum had problems as a kid, so she never got sorted, she passed those anxieties onto me. i was a really quiet, withdrawn, stressed person. i got stressed until the point of not being able to breathe properly. i went to a councellor for a year and it really helped. she helped me realise that these aren't my problems, and not to blame my mum because it isn't her fault either.
i used to self harm, not eat, eat too much, yell, scream. i never cried though. hayley, my councellor told me that to lock out the pain you must lock all emotions out. you can't choose between emotions, you either feel them all or ignore them all.
so i became a better person, my healing began. i still had the problem that i didn't tell hayley. in me i had a person, everytime i felt pain or hurt the person would take over my feelings and it was like i was watching what was going on around me, i couldn't feel the hurt. it's like the voice in the back of your head. but it's more pronounced. but it feels like you are being suffocated sometimes, like you can't breathe. it hurts like hell.
i tried to tell my mum but she didn't listen, so i left it alone, let it eat me. when i changed my life style it went away. i don't make eye contact with people, i don't give hugs that much. i find it hard to commit because i feel there is always something wrong with me. i wish sometimes i wasn't around.
my mum had problems as a kid, so she never got sorted, she passed those anxieties onto me. i was a really quiet, withdrawn, stressed person. i got stressed until the point of not being able to breathe properly. i went to a councellor for a year and it really helped. she helped me realise that these aren't my problems, and not to blame my mum because it isn't her fault either.
i used to self harm, not eat, eat too much, yell, scream. i never cried though. hayley, my councellor told me that to lock out the pain you must lock all emotions out. you can't choose between emotions, you either feel them all or ignore them all.
so i became a better person, my healing began. i still had the problem that i didn't tell hayley. in me i had a person, everytime i felt pain or hurt the person would take over my feelings and it was like i was watching what was going on around me, i couldn't feel the hurt. it's like the voice in the back of your head. but it's more pronounced. but it feels like you are being suffocated sometimes, like you can't breathe. it hurts like hell.
i tried to tell my mum but she didn't listen, so i left it alone, let it eat me. when i changed my life style it went away. i don't make eye contact with people, i don't give hugs that much. i find it hard to commit because i feel there is always something wrong with me. i wish sometimes i wasn't around.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
OMG!!!!!!!!!
i asked my mum to stop letting mars, our puppy, into my room because he keeps eating my shoes and teddies. but she ignored me and the dog got his own way again. he has now chewed my favourite shoes and a teddy i have had since i was born, and a birthday present that my best mate got me.
Friday, May 19, 2006
how do i change?
i was asked the other day, ' how do i change?' i didn't know what they meant.
they said that when i changed my life around they really saw the change and happiness in me. they asked me how they could? i said i really didn't know.
i said you have to know what you want to change. you have to know why you want to change. i wanted to stop being a back seat watcher of my own life, so i stopped, it took a lot of will power and a little hurt, but well worth the trouble. i'm sorry if i'm sounding big headed again, am i? i don't know.
they said that when i changed my life around they really saw the change and happiness in me. they asked me how they could? i said i really didn't know.
i said you have to know what you want to change. you have to know why you want to change. i wanted to stop being a back seat watcher of my own life, so i stopped, it took a lot of will power and a little hurt, but well worth the trouble. i'm sorry if i'm sounding big headed again, am i? i don't know.
i am going to be happier
i have realised something. for the past 13 years i have been living my life waiting; waiting for someone to make my choices for me, basically live my life for me.
in the last month i have taken control of my life, i have changed the way i see things. i have tried to make my life happier by changing myself. actually doing something myself, for my life. i have changed. for the better, i have been told. i don't care what people think of me as much. life and luck is what you make it. don't wait like i did, don't watch your life pass without living it. don't take a back seat. no day is the same.
people always used to say to me, you are unique. i never got it until now. i have a one of a kind personality, there is no one like me, there never was, isn't and never will be. so if this is true, why am i not showing and sharing my personality with people. why am i letting myself be wasted???? if i am one of a kind, i need to live my life to the full because otherwise it will never be lived, because there won't be another like me. i wouldn't want to waste myself and my personality.
i must sound big headed, i swear i am not trying to be. you are the same as me. why waste you? you are special. why waste your personality? it is one of a kind, don't let people not see it. everyone you touch changes the course of the entire world. i was with my friend, Bex, and i realised that if i hadn't sat next to her ina french class i wouldn't be as good friends with her. i wouldn't have known her that well. so her life, her family's life, my friends life, my family's life. the school, the teachers, the work. everything we do together or say would never have happened or ever been said. i would have a different life.
i read a poem the other day, and i realised the delicacy of life, and however you touch life, however small it changes the course of the world.
POEM
She smiled at a sorrowful stranger,
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
he remembered the past kindness of a friend,
and wrote him a thank you letter.
The friend was so pleased with the thank you
that he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, suprised by the size of the tip,
bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings,
and gave part to the man on the street.
the man on the street was grateful;
for two days he'd had nothing to eat.
after he finished his dinner,
he left for his small dingy room.
(He didn't know at the moment
that he might be facing his doom.)
on the way he picked up a shivering puppy
and took it home to get warm.
the puppy was very grateful
to be out of the storm.
that night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked the alarm.
he barked til he woke the whole household
and saved everyone from harm.
one of the boys he rescued
grew up to be President.
All because of a simple smile
that hadn't cost a cent. (Barbara Hauck, 13)
So next time you feel like doing smething, or you are thinking that you are irrelevant, remember you are not. everyone makes a difference. even if you may not be a direct cause or know what you have done.
Love like you' ve never been hurt,
Work like you don't need the money,
Sing like nobody's listening,
Dance like nobody's watching.
in the last month i have taken control of my life, i have changed the way i see things. i have tried to make my life happier by changing myself. actually doing something myself, for my life. i have changed. for the better, i have been told. i don't care what people think of me as much. life and luck is what you make it. don't wait like i did, don't watch your life pass without living it. don't take a back seat. no day is the same.
people always used to say to me, you are unique. i never got it until now. i have a one of a kind personality, there is no one like me, there never was, isn't and never will be. so if this is true, why am i not showing and sharing my personality with people. why am i letting myself be wasted???? if i am one of a kind, i need to live my life to the full because otherwise it will never be lived, because there won't be another like me. i wouldn't want to waste myself and my personality.
i must sound big headed, i swear i am not trying to be. you are the same as me. why waste you? you are special. why waste your personality? it is one of a kind, don't let people not see it. everyone you touch changes the course of the entire world. i was with my friend, Bex, and i realised that if i hadn't sat next to her ina french class i wouldn't be as good friends with her. i wouldn't have known her that well. so her life, her family's life, my friends life, my family's life. the school, the teachers, the work. everything we do together or say would never have happened or ever been said. i would have a different life.
i read a poem the other day, and i realised the delicacy of life, and however you touch life, however small it changes the course of the world.
POEM
She smiled at a sorrowful stranger,
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
he remembered the past kindness of a friend,
and wrote him a thank you letter.
The friend was so pleased with the thank you
that he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, suprised by the size of the tip,
bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings,
and gave part to the man on the street.
the man on the street was grateful;
for two days he'd had nothing to eat.
after he finished his dinner,
he left for his small dingy room.
(He didn't know at the moment
that he might be facing his doom.)
on the way he picked up a shivering puppy
and took it home to get warm.
the puppy was very grateful
to be out of the storm.
that night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked the alarm.
he barked til he woke the whole household
and saved everyone from harm.
one of the boys he rescued
grew up to be President.
All because of a simple smile
that hadn't cost a cent. (Barbara Hauck, 13)
So next time you feel like doing smething, or you are thinking that you are irrelevant, remember you are not. everyone makes a difference. even if you may not be a direct cause or know what you have done.
Love like you' ve never been hurt,
Work like you don't need the money,
Sing like nobody's listening,
Dance like nobody's watching.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
i am going to change
i have decided to change my personality. i am critical and judge people. i wish i didn't. my mum and dad argue all the time and smash things because they are not happy in life. i don't want that, i don't want the anger and pain, i am changing, now.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
cry
i feel like crying a million tears. i feel so alone. i asked myself, what am i worth? what do i do to help my friends? what's the point of me? what do i have that benefits people. if i were to go away, would anyone feel the loss? i just wanna curl up by myself and cry. somebody might find me, and not tell me not to cry but just sit with me and just hold me, without asking quesions or wanting answers. just hold me, until i stop, when i need to. because people only cry because they need to, so it's healthy to let it out. if you don't you just hold in emotions. which is something i do splendidly, hold it in. i wish i could cry.
GO FOR IT!!
i am quite proud of myself! i don't mean to gloat or anything. on friday i ran, RAN, all the way the 800 metres. now to some of you the 800 metres on 4:27 minutes is loads, but to me it's absolutely brillant. normally i can't even run 200.
i had an eating problem, i didn't eat lunch or breakfast, so i had little energy. but now i am eating properly, and if it has outcomes like this i will continue. i love having the energy!!!!!!!!i love being able to run again, and bike properly. anyone that doesn't eat like i used to not, start again, start eating.
START NOW!! it makes you feel absolutely fabulous when you have outcomes like that. it makes me want to do so much in life now i have the energy and health to.
i had an eating problem, i didn't eat lunch or breakfast, so i had little energy. but now i am eating properly, and if it has outcomes like this i will continue. i love having the energy!!!!!!!!i love being able to run again, and bike properly. anyone that doesn't eat like i used to not, start again, start eating.
START NOW!! it makes you feel absolutely fabulous when you have outcomes like that. it makes me want to do so much in life now i have the energy and health to.
Monday, May 01, 2006
tidied up again
i tidied my room today, which i share with my sister. and she is so annoying, i tidy her mess for her, which she has an awful lot of. but she wouldn't even consider helping me. thats the difference between us, i would, she wouldn't. unless she gets something out of it, of course, like money.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
beach time
i went to the beach today, i know that isn't really the trip of the year but i love the beach. it is so calm this time of year, before all the tourists come. just standing on the cliffs over looking the water line, what could be more calming???
if i had a boyfriend and he asked where do you wanna go i would probably think about taking the bus to the beach, the two of us could lay on a blanket, propped up on our elbows and talk about nothing and everything. i love imagining things like that. romantic in a strange way. i would prefer to spend time with my boy friend alone watching a film or going to the beach or a field somewhere and just chilling.
don't get me wrong, when someone turns the music up and it's dance music i can dance all night. i could dance fo hours, i absolutely love dancing. but sometimes its lovely to just chill and talk! boys hardly ever talk they wanna go and spend money. i don't really clothes shop or shoes shop that much at all. obviously i don't wear anything, i have lovely clothes, but i don't buy a new shirt every other day. whats the point? you could spend your money on something much more useful than the same shirt in every colour, couldn't you?
if i had a boyfriend and he asked where do you wanna go i would probably think about taking the bus to the beach, the two of us could lay on a blanket, propped up on our elbows and talk about nothing and everything. i love imagining things like that. romantic in a strange way. i would prefer to spend time with my boy friend alone watching a film or going to the beach or a field somewhere and just chilling.
don't get me wrong, when someone turns the music up and it's dance music i can dance all night. i could dance fo hours, i absolutely love dancing. but sometimes its lovely to just chill and talk! boys hardly ever talk they wanna go and spend money. i don't really clothes shop or shoes shop that much at all. obviously i don't wear anything, i have lovely clothes, but i don't buy a new shirt every other day. whats the point? you could spend your money on something much more useful than the same shirt in every colour, couldn't you?
Saturday, April 29, 2006
hiding
for the past 14 years i have been hiding from the harshness of society, with people judging others for stupid reaons.
but i had a revelation; they aren't that bad, they really don't care what i am doing. so i am now going to do what makes me happy, because living behind a mask isn't exactly good for you is it?!! i went to councelling for a while because i was upset about how i was living. only the school councellor. it was really good for me and i recommend people to have someone who knows what they doing if your a little stuck in life. it makes you feel good and wrth it again. i felt great and am slowly changing my life because, mostly anyway, i am the one that is in control of it. your life isn't for other people; it is for you so if you live it for only others, never yourself there isn't much point
LIFE IS LIKE A PATH OF SNOW, WHERE EVER YOU TREAD IT SHOWS.
which basically means, be careful what you do with your life and make it worth while, something to be proud of.
but i had a revelation; they aren't that bad, they really don't care what i am doing. so i am now going to do what makes me happy, because living behind a mask isn't exactly good for you is it?!! i went to councelling for a while because i was upset about how i was living. only the school councellor. it was really good for me and i recommend people to have someone who knows what they doing if your a little stuck in life. it makes you feel good and wrth it again. i felt great and am slowly changing my life because, mostly anyway, i am the one that is in control of it. your life isn't for other people; it is for you so if you live it for only others, never yourself there isn't much point
LIFE IS LIKE A PATH OF SNOW, WHERE EVER YOU TREAD IT SHOWS.
which basically means, be careful what you do with your life and make it worth while, something to be proud of.
my sis threw tantrum
my sister threw a tantrum (yh at her age) just because mum wouldn't give her forty quid for some skates that she will never use.
i got some ventro turbo the other week and now she wants some, the difference is me and my mates actually go skating, she won't.
she annoys the hell out me. why can't she respect mum a little bit. it isn't like mum doesn't ever give her anything. she bought her dance shoes for £50 which she never used, only to sell.
which is what will happen to her skates i just know it.
whatever i have she needs, not wants, needs. she goes to concerts without me and i give her my stuff but that isn't enough. i even tidy her pig sty (i mean room) for her and she never says thanks. i don't know why i bother. maybe it is because i have to live with her for a couple of years yet and i wanna sort of stay in her good books.
i got some ventro turbo the other week and now she wants some, the difference is me and my mates actually go skating, she won't.
she annoys the hell out me. why can't she respect mum a little bit. it isn't like mum doesn't ever give her anything. she bought her dance shoes for £50 which she never used, only to sell.
which is what will happen to her skates i just know it.
whatever i have she needs, not wants, needs. she goes to concerts without me and i give her my stuff but that isn't enough. i even tidy her pig sty (i mean room) for her and she never says thanks. i don't know why i bother. maybe it is because i have to live with her for a couple of years yet and i wanna sort of stay in her good books.
chillin'
my mum and my sis and my dad are all out so i got the house to myself, which is how i like it. music and me.
i have been thinking about how to make my life better.
i am a very anxious person, so i don't normally do a whole lot of things, in case people think i am being stupid, but i am changing that appearence as of now.
me and my mates are all going to have a picnic in the middle of a busy roundabout, i can't wait. also when it gets warm enough we are all going to the beach, hold hands and run off the end of the pier into the sea. all i cna say is make sure it is deep enough.
i have been thinking about how to make my life better.
i am a very anxious person, so i don't normally do a whole lot of things, in case people think i am being stupid, but i am changing that appearence as of now.
me and my mates are all going to have a picnic in the middle of a busy roundabout, i can't wait. also when it gets warm enough we are all going to the beach, hold hands and run off the end of the pier into the sea. all i cna say is make sure it is deep enough.
lying again
i was looking out my window last night coz i couldn't sleep and i realised that i have been living a lie for weeks. whenever me and my mate is out they ask do i mind being single?
i always reply no, of course not. but i realised that i do mind.
my family is a bit messed up, my parents are on the verge of splitting, my lil sister is always screaming and shouting and throwing things, she is 12 but you would have classed her with a mental capacity of around 3.
anyway back to the subject, with all that going on my house isn't really the most loving in the world.
i know i am 14 but is it wrong to want someone special to hold you, even if it is just on the sofa watching a film. it is nice to be noticed.
my mum doesn't even acknowledge i am here most of the time. she is a childminder so as soon as i get into my house i have to help with the minded children. they scream and hang off you, i have sats this year and it is a little beyond impossible to study with 2 and 3 year olds hanging off your legs.
going into my house is like working, not like being at home. i wish i had my own space.
i always reply no, of course not. but i realised that i do mind.
my family is a bit messed up, my parents are on the verge of splitting, my lil sister is always screaming and shouting and throwing things, she is 12 but you would have classed her with a mental capacity of around 3.
anyway back to the subject, with all that going on my house isn't really the most loving in the world.
i know i am 14 but is it wrong to want someone special to hold you, even if it is just on the sofa watching a film. it is nice to be noticed.
my mum doesn't even acknowledge i am here most of the time. she is a childminder so as soon as i get into my house i have to help with the minded children. they scream and hang off you, i have sats this year and it is a little beyond impossible to study with 2 and 3 year olds hanging off your legs.
going into my house is like working, not like being at home. i wish i had my own space.
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