wow, good friends

i was just thinking, stupid i know, it's the holidays, and i think it's really cool that me and ben are such good friends. we have been out with eachother 3 times and ha a massive break up. yet we still have tonnes of fun together, we can turn an hour journey into 6 hours, without realising. it's cool, i think we'll still be friends when we're like different colleges and stuff. lol.

my past

i have just been reading through my diary which i have had for the past 4 years. not long i know. it has all my life in it from then. it is so weird because i am sure i don't remember having all those emotions, the pain, the happiness. my life is more interesting than i thought. when i let a mate read it. they said it was addictive and wouldn't give it back, perosnally i thought it would be the most boring read ever!

my mum might hate me

i think my mum hates me. she keeps being really sharp with me. i don't know what i am doing.
i am going to try harder, like do house work and be more tidy, i left my plate on the table and she told me off loads, so i need to change.
i did try to be happier, bt it didn't work, she still doesn't see it. if my sats results are good then maybe we would get on better. i know she is still angry with me because she took hannah on a £150 shopping spree and wouldn't take me. i think it's because she hates the way i turned out, she had real problems, she couldn't even open a curtain when i was small because she didn't like doing anything.
i became really nervous and culdn't do stuff either because i had it hammered into me as a child that the world was scary. i think she hates that i am like that. i don't mean to be. it's not her fault i am so messed up. i am trying to get better.

soo tired

i am so tired, i haven't slept in like 32 hours! i am kinda happy though.
i let two of my friends read my diary. not all of it, some of it is way too personal. i watched them read it and you could see the understanding in his face.
i don't know why but them reading it even though it's personal made me feel better.
the first thing he said was how upsetting and painful it was. the different entries all own their own hurt.
i wouldn't have normally let anyone read it but i had a moment where it thought what the hell?? it has helped me becasue now they know more about me as a person, i don't need to explain because they read it how i had felt at the time, what could be more accurate?

great weekend

i have just got online after the most cool weekend!
friday after school i went round my friend tasha's, then we decided for me to sleep there. it was awesome, i watched ET for the first time in like 8 years. we only got about 3 hours sleep. in the morning i curled her hair and she looked gorgeous, we went to the city to meet Abi, Lucy, Hannah and Vicky.
we went all over the city. i went to buy my converse all stars, they are lush.
tasha came round mine and we were watching telly and eating kebabs when we decided Ben should so come round for a sleepover. he didn't believe us at first but me and tasha went and got him.
we were on msn until we went upstairs to chat etc. we stayed awake all night just talking and going on msn. tasha is currently sleeping on the bed near me, she knackered. us three were in a room together for like 12 hours, it was really funny, we didn't argue or anything. it was so totally fun and awesome. i would get my hair cut today but i am too tired.

mixed up

i am feeling mixed up. i don't know what to do. i can't live like this any more. at school i am a really smily person, i love seeing all my mates and living the day, but at home i change.
my mum had problems as a kid, so she never got sorted, she passed those anxieties onto me. i was a really quiet, withdrawn, stressed person. i got stressed until the point of not being able to breathe properly. i went to a councellor for a year and it really helped. she helped me realise that these aren't my problems, and not to blame my mum because it isn't her fault either.
i used to self harm, not eat, eat too much, yell, scream. i never cried though. hayley, my councellor told me that to lock out the pain you must lock all emotions out. you can't choose between emotions, you either feel them all or ignore them all.
so i became a better person, my healing began. i still had the problem that i didn't tell hayley. in me i had a person, everytime i felt pain or hurt the person would take over my feelings and it was like i was watching what was going on around me, i couldn't feel the hurt. it's like the voice in the back of your head. but it's more pronounced. but it feels like you are being suffocated sometimes, like you can't breathe. it hurts like hell.
i tried to tell my mum but she didn't listen, so i left it alone, let it eat me. when i changed my life style it went away. i don't make eye contact with people, i don't give hugs that much. i find it hard to commit because i feel there is always something wrong with me. i wish sometimes i wasn't around.

thank a bunch

i have just told my mum and she said oops and carried on what she was doing!

OMG!!!!!!!!!

i asked my mum to stop letting mars, our puppy, into my room because he keeps eating my shoes and teddies. but she ignored me and the dog got his own way again. he has now chewed my favourite shoes and a teddy i have had since i was born, and a birthday present that my best mate got me.

how do i change?

i was asked the other day, ' how do i change?' i didn't know what they meant.
they said that when i changed my life around they really saw the change and happiness in me. they asked me how they could? i said i really didn't know.
i said you have to know what you want to change. you have to know why you want to change. i wanted to stop being a back seat watcher of my own life, so i stopped, it took a lot of will power and a little hurt, but well worth the trouble. i'm sorry if i'm sounding big headed again, am i? i don't know.

i am going to be happier

i have realised something. for the past 13 years i have been living my life waiting; waiting for someone to make my choices for me, basically live my life for me.
in the last month i have taken control of my life, i have changed the way i see things. i have tried to make my life happier by changing myself. actually doing something myself, for my life. i have changed. for the better, i have been told. i don't care what people think of me as much. life and luck is what you make it. don't wait like i did, don't watch your life pass without living it. don't take a back seat. no day is the same.
people always used to say to me, you are unique. i never got it until now. i have a one of a kind personality, there is no one like me, there never was, isn't and never will be. so if this is true, why am i not showing and sharing my personality with people. why am i letting myself be wasted???? if i am one of a kind, i need to live my life to the full because otherwise it will never be lived, because there won't be another like me. i wouldn't want to waste myself and my personality.
i must sound big headed, i swear i am not trying to be. you are the same as me. why waste you? you are special. why waste your personality? it is one of a kind, don't let people not see it. everyone you touch changes the course of the entire world. i was with my friend, Bex, and i realised that if i hadn't sat next to her ina french class i wouldn't be as good friends with her. i wouldn't have known her that well. so her life, her family's life, my friends life, my family's life. the school, the teachers, the work. everything we do together or say would never have happened or ever been said. i would have a different life.
i read a poem the other day, and i realised the delicacy of life, and however you touch life, however small it changes the course of the world.



POEM
She smiled at a sorrowful stranger,
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
he remembered the past kindness of a friend,
and wrote him a thank you letter.
The friend was so pleased with the thank you
that he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, suprised by the size of the tip,
bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings,
and gave part to the man on the street.
the man on the street was grateful;
for two days he'd had nothing to eat.
after he finished his dinner,
he left for his small dingy room.
(He didn't know at the moment
that he might be facing his doom.)
on the way he picked up a shivering puppy
and took it home to get warm.
the puppy was very grateful
to be out of the storm.
that night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked the alarm.
he barked til he woke the whole household
and saved everyone from harm.
one of the boys he rescued
grew up to be President.
All because of a simple smile
that hadn't cost a cent. (Barbara Hauck, 13)

So next time you feel like doing smething, or you are thinking that you are irrelevant, remember you are not. everyone makes a difference. even if you may not be a direct cause or know what you have done.

Love like you' ve never been hurt,
Work like you don't need the money,
Sing like nobody's listening,
Dance like nobody's watching.

i am going to change

i have decided to change my personality. i am critical and judge people. i wish i didn't. my mum and dad argue all the time and smash things because they are not happy in life. i don't want that, i don't want the anger and pain, i am changing, now.

cry

i feel like crying a million tears. i feel so alone. i asked myself, what am i worth? what do i do to help my friends? what's the point of me? what do i have that benefits people. if i were to go away, would anyone feel the loss? i just wanna curl up by myself and cry. somebody might find me, and not tell me not to cry but just sit with me and just hold me, without asking quesions or wanting answers. just hold me, until i stop, when i need to. because people only cry because they need to, so it's healthy to let it out. if you don't you just hold in emotions. which is something i do splendidly, hold it in. i wish i could cry.

GO FOR IT!!

i am quite proud of myself! i don't mean to gloat or anything. on friday i ran, RAN, all the way the 800 metres. now to some of you the 800 metres on 4:27 minutes is loads, but to me it's absolutely brillant. normally i can't even run 200.
i had an eating problem, i didn't eat lunch or breakfast, so i had little energy. but now i am eating properly, and if it has outcomes like this i will continue. i love having the energy!!!!!!!!i love being able to run again, and bike properly. anyone that doesn't eat like i used to not, start again, start eating.
START NOW!! it makes you feel absolutely fabulous when you have outcomes like that. it makes me want to do so much in life now i have the energy and health to.

tidied up again

i tidied my room today, which i share with my sister. and she is so annoying, i tidy her mess for her, which she has an awful lot of. but she wouldn't even consider helping me. thats the difference between us, i would, she wouldn't. unless she gets something out of it, of course, like money.