fucks sake

sometimes i feel so stupid. i think too much, thats my problem, if something goes wrong or i make a mistake i can't just think oh well it happens, i dwell on it all day until i feel sick in the tummy. i wish i was smarter. i am clever at school but in the actual world i am stupid. it is so annoying. i don't know anything about what size tips to leave, i can't even ask the fucking hairdresser for a different style of hair in case they don't know what i want and it comes out wrong.
when i am with my mates i am fine, i can take control sometimes, i've got back up. but when i am by myself i just don't work. it's annoying. i blame my mum sometimes, when i was a kid she was scared off everything, when the phone rang she wouldn't answer it and she always had the curtains shut so no one knocked on our door. she was terrified of everything, she isn't as bad now but it got stuck on me. she passed all her stupid fears and phobias onto me!
i am scared of talking to people i don't know. like this work experience thing, i will probably be sick the night before as i will be so nervous. i have to fight with all the fear she gave me everyday of my fucking life. it gets so boring and annoying. most days i wanna sit in my room and be alone, because then life doesn't get in the way. i can do whatever the hell i want when i want and no one will laugh i won't make mistakes and everything will be ok.
i sometimes wish my mum would leave, i know that sounds mean but she has so fucked my life up in so many ways that sometimes i think i would be better off without her. she passed all her problems onto me and she watches me everyday deal with them and won't help. she won't admit that it's her fault. i can't wait til i leave home and she isn't ruling my life anymore.