love, life, leave me alone.

having a bad day. it was alright most of the day until i got a belly ache and it was still 1 1/2 hours to go home.
i will tell you the back ground, jack is my mate som's cousin, he starting speaking to me a while ago. he live in london. the first time he saw me was when ben had turned webcam on and i didn't realise and was dancing in my room, not bad dancing or woteva, just body ripples and that. well, jack was round som's so saw me.
he said he liked me and som kept teasing me. i din't think much of it. i talked to jack loads, he said he fancied me but i thought he was joking. but som kept saying he wasn't. i convinced myself i didn't fancy him even though all my friends said it was obvious i did. so eventually i let myself like him.
he was going to move to norwich in august but his mum has decided to send him to boarding school, who actually goes there these days. so we won't ever be able to go out because i won't ever see him. or speak that much because he can't go on msn all the time anymore.
it completely sucks. am i not worth it? thats it isn't it! i don't deserve being liked. i don't deserve it, do i? this is why i don't let myself love easily in the first place, it just hurts.

heehee

i am feeling really good lately, i have been going for it!
on thursday there is this club after school for the girls, rounders, badminton, tennis etc. normally i wouldn't have gone because i would have had to bike home by myself.
i went for it and had an absolutely brillant time, me, som and judith and this girl we didn't know, lois, played badminton and it was fantastic.
i didn't evn mind biking the half hour by myself. i got home in time for the england kick off as well. so everything was great.
now i am doing more exercise and getting more energy though i am finding it easier to sleep and wake up.
on saturdays i don't normally get up until 12 o' clock. i woke up at 6;30. on normally days i keep waking up at 5:30am, i just have so much more energy for life. the feeling is absolutely amazing. so go for it next time you don't feel absolutely comfortable, it will pay off. it did for me!

i wish...

hiya ppl,
i was in the park with some mates and i realised something really depressing, i have nothing to be proud of in my life. i am happy with nothing. i asked my mate what i could do better than her and we couldn't find anything. i really wish i was anorexic sometimes, then i would be thin. i wish i was happy, people would describe it as being ok with who you are. they are wrong, being happy is having other people tell you that you're thin, that you can sing etc. if everyone only felt happy if they were ok with themselves then no one would be happy with other people.

been off school

i been off school today, couldn''t do it, had a headache, no energy kept blacking out. it so annoying. i have decided today, whilst upstairs alone, that i am going to try and change how i react with my family. i am quite a quick to attack person, not physically. i just snap a lot. so i am going to try to be someone people can get along with easier, that includes at school.

woowoo

me up at a ridiculous hour! 6am! i didn't go to bed until about 1am!
got some mates over, normally i don't go to sleep at all but i have another sleepover tonight and ppl were tired tonight. i am the only one up, lol! i got my dancing group round.
tonight i going round a best mates instead, there gonna be, hopefully, me, tasha, ceci and bex going round judiths. it gonna be wicked.
i am wearing my converse and jeans this time though, last time i was round i was trying to play football in a short skirt and boots, extremely difficult. it hard against judith already, she is so good it scary, she like can do everything, it's like she can control the ball at the slightest touch. me on the other hand never play, lol. the matching is hardly fair, but i am learning, she's got me into it.