heya,
i am at school at the moment. i staying late coz i waiting for my girlfriend. i don't mind waiting though.
i can't believe my mum, i know she hates me and doesn't bother to talk to me but this is going too far i think. she has moved out of the house and told us she was moving in with steve for a bit. turns out she has a new house and they are already in it. hannahs been there, she's going to sleep round! i can't believe mum would do this, not tell me she had moved or tell dad. she has given us the car, but has taken dads name off so he can't drive it. so we can look at it everyday but can't go in it. how stupid and spiteful!
my dad is worried that me and my mum will never talk again unless we really have to. he doesn't understand what its like though. looking at my own mother and feeling nothing! i don't love her, i don't even hate her anymore. shes means absolutely nothing to me.
she made me go to councelling, have MPD for a year and try to kill myself. how am i going to forgive her? i know i should, people keep saying, but shes your mum!
she has attacked me and hannah, and minded children (shes a childminder)
at the weekend she called an old client and friend and was moaning down the phone to them. they got the impression she was had been kicked out and was buying somewhere on her own and hadn't the money. how wrong could they have been! dad rang them and told them the truth: she's run off, bought a house and attacked her child before!
they ended up giving her £1000 though! to help her start, but then they found out she wasn't alone. they didn't realise she was so horrible. they said they had never seen or heard that side of her.
me, hannah and dad have had to live with that side for 17 years. well 17 for dad, 15 for me and 13 for hannah.
hannah has bailed on dad today. tuesday is her day with mum, wednesday her day with dad (and mine) but i wasn't going today coz me and dad did friday and saturday. and it was hannah's birthday on monday so he was going to take her out. but then mum called and told hannah to come and look at the new house and stuff. so hannah said yes.
i don't think it is fair to blame hannah though because mum is buying her off, everytime they argue or hannah and me or dad argue, mum goes awww hannah, have this have that. so hannah is confusing love with money. i can understand she wants the new stuff and the new room, but mum is making hannah leave in an underhand way.
i want to protect hannah, me and her aren't the best of friends, but we are sisters and we always stand by eachother when we need to, even if we argue about small things other times.
my mum hasn't even told her family she has moved or anything, dad rang nanny and she hadn't known a thing. i don't want me and mum to end up like that but i have tried and tried in the past to help her, show her i love her and she never gave. she never lets anyone close to her, know her secrets, let them love her. i gave up trying the day she ran off and said i didn't matter.
all the benefits and stuff stll have her name on them, so she is now a fraud aswell. she won't sign anything in the house over to dad.
anything that says she is no longer here and is not entitled to the money, she won't sign.
i'm sick of living my life by her rules, sick of being in her shadow and keeping the secrets and not letting anyone know what she is truly like. her saying is 'put a face on, and face the world.' it means put loads of make up on and paint a stupid grin across your face so no one ever thinks your upset.
well i can't do that! i have to feel sometimes, to breathe, to scream, to cry, to love.
my mum is addicted to anti- depressants, she has been for 6 years, she is meant to try and get off them but she never went back to the doctor. easier to hide the pain than deal with it. well now she can't because she has let it build up and build up until she can't even stop taking tablets. that is the reason she attacked us, because she tried a year ago, but she said she couldn't do it and pulled hannah's hair out by the roots and smashed stuff up. i had to call dad home from work because hannah and me were locked in our room. why couldn't she try? why did she hide? hiding only made matters worse. i promised myself that day that i would always tell people how i was feeling and i would never ever take tablets.
you can't choose which emotions you lose with tablets, you either keep them all, or lose them all. mum chose to lose them all.
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2 comments:
Becky,
i feel what you say.
come, meet me at :
chandrasart.blogspot.com
warm wishes
chandra
Well I don't know you and just stumbled onto your blog randomly. But I'd like to say a few things:
- You clearly have freinds that love you and care about you, despite it being so easy to focus on the shit that is happening to you.
- You speak a lot of sense from the one most recent post I read. Sometimes adults get things messed up. Don't worry about not feeling love for your mother, I think deep down you do, because you worry about not feeling it, so i think its just that things are so messed up right now that you have put that feeling aside until things get sorted.
- Peoples relationships change all the time, you'll find that too as you grow up. Sometimes, it is someones fault, but this is usually obvious, such as when someone cheats, but mostly I think, its just that things don't work out, its just the shitty way of life.
- If your mum attacked you, that is pretty serious. I know you wouldn't want the police involved, but think, that shit ain't normal, no one has any right to do that to someone. Now, probably, she didn't mean it deep down, just lost it because of her depression etc, but that doesn't mean she has an excuse to behave that way. It sounds like she either (a) needs some serious help with her depression, or (B) she is just a bastard who no one can help.
- My advice to you (and I am no expert!) is that maybe you need to be a bit more selfish and look after number 1. You are obviously a very caring person and that is fantastic, but remember you can only do so much for other people before it starts to affect you and get you down. Don't let yourself get down because you are helping others and neglecting yourself.
- Finally, don't bash the pills too much - they are not ideal, I agree, but they have their place. And if your mum tried to come off them and went all agro when she did, then maybe its better for her to stay on them. Its only a pill. Life goes on. (My dad is permanently on AD's and I took them for a year myself about 2 years ago). Yes they do put you in a diferent place emotionally but that is not necessarily a bad thing. (of course I don't know the details so its just my experience I'm relating to..)
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