tearing me inside

i know its not anyones fault.
i tell myself the same thing everyday.
but i still think it. people are making this so difficult, why?! i can't see her at all hardly, it means everytime i talk to her on msn and on the phone it feels like someone is tearing my heart out of my chest and i can't breathe properly and i feel like crying and screaming 'why us?'
what have we done wrong? nothing.
i control my anger and i even take the blame and hurt for other people if i can see them smile. i would cut my own skin to shreds just so as not to hit my sister.
i have a breaking point, everyone does. how long do they think i can last? doing all this hiding and bleeding?

i blame myself

som said something to me today. she said she tells me less when she is angry because i always say it is my fault and she is angry with me. she says it isn't me.
she laughed about it and said it doesn't matter though, but i get the feeling she was hinting, it was a bitter laugh.
like she wants to talk to me but she can't, and i know this sounds like i am blaming myself again, but this time it is me. i know i blame myself for a lot of things.
like my mum's illness, if i hadn't been born, if i hadn't shouted as a kid, i am excellent at making up reasons. but that is all they are, made up.
[except the reason i thought that was in the first place was because my mum blamed me, she said i wrecked her life, so i believed her until som and dad made me believe i am better person than that.]
i know deep down it isn't my fault, but i feel i deserve the blame.
i want her [som] to be able to talk to me and me not turn it selfishly into something that makes me feel bad, so i am going to stop blaming myself for everything and feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.

control it!!

i don't know whats happening to me.
i keep getting angry for no reason. i just don't get angry. i can control it. i almost hit my sister, i managed to stop myself.
she called me stupid for cutting my arms, she rolled her eyes and laughed at me, but not a fun laugh, a degrading laugh, meant to hurt. it reminded me of mum, laughing at my pain.
i looked after hannah when she was small, but i can't anymore. i can't look after her. she won't listen to anyone, she just keeps getting herself hurt, she is so fucking stubborn.
she doesn't understand what mum did to me. she can't.
i cut my arms because i hate arguing, thats why the first time this week. she was being so spiteful, she takes all her anger out on me. i can't handle it. i should really. i just want her to stop being stubborn, and to stop herself getting hurt.
some of the things she said realli hurt and i don't know whether she meant to do it.
no one understands what mum realli did to me.
when dad told her about my arms, she said it wasn't her responsibilty and she didn't care.
my head is all over the place, i can't write just now.
i wish when i was small someone had held me close, told me it was ok. i did that for them, they never realised what i felt, i never told them.

r.i.p

he's gone. i never met him but we spoke on msn loads. i keep expecting him to log on and go 'hey, u ok?' but he won't.
its hard because i didn't meet him so to me no one has actually died, there is just emptyness and a lot of 'what ifs.' what if i had met him? what if me and som had grown up and i became his cousin? what if, what if, what if, they circle round and round in my head.
i tried to make her feel better. i think i did. i think i distracted her though rather than make it better.
i lost someone, but in a different way.
i don't know what to do. i want to take all her pain away and make it all better, but i don't want her to use me as a getaway, every time it begins to hurt, come to mine and hug and kiss and have sex to make it better, because that doesn't make it any easier. it just means she is ignoring the pain.

guilty

the worst part of all this is that i know i will never stop, they tried to help, bex, som, dad, they tried.
but what they don't realise is that i want to. i want to see the blood. how can i stop when i want it?
a guilty and painful pleasure. the worst of it, they are the ones that feel the pain, not me.
maybe she won't notice.
maybe she won't feel the pain.
maybe i won't have to see the disappoint in her eyes as she runs her fingers gently across the scars and hangs her head.

i'm sorry

i couldn't help it. or maybe i don't have the energy?
as i took the broken glass and dragged it across my already scarred skin i felt better, seeing the bright red run out of my body made me feel better.
i normally only do little lines, i can hide those.
but seeing the first line if red, i wanted more, i needed more. dragging it over again and again i felt some of the pain and helplessness flood out of me. i was in control. i knew just what to do.
pain is what keeps me going. as i bleed i know i am alive.
then i remember som, guilt washed over me. how am i going to hide them from her? all the lines across my forearm? i can wear long sleeved shirts, dad and hannah won't know. but som will know. she will see the bandages.
what is my excuse? i don't have one. i am selfish, hurting myself is more important, even though it hurts her. is that it? i wish it wasn't but i suppose thats what i am. selfish.