i sometimes wonder if i regret my life?
i thought about it for hours, lying awake at night with thoughts running round in my head, screaming at me.
i don't. i don't regret my life, it has got me where i am, and why i think that where i am right now isn't all that good, it is survivable. i can get through it.
i have had so much happen to me, yeah its been shit, yeah i once thought that being road kill was the answer, but i'm not dead. and i won't be anytime soon.
if i hadn't been through everything i have, would i love and trust som as much as i do? by watching relationships fall apart and see what the problems do, little things, i now know what not to do.
i trust her, she lied to me, but when she told me the truth i didn't question it, i immediately took it as the truth. should i have asked more question? why did i trust her after being lied to once?
i love her. i know it sounds so simple and soppy, but thats the answer.
she did it because she loves me, and i will always trust her, whatever happens.

i worry about her. so so much. what can i do to help? her brother doesn't do anything, he never helps out, but he doesn't get in trouble. she does.
she over works herself, i think she might be trying to prover herself to her parents, but she does so much. he just doesn't see it. i get so scared that one day she won't be able to handle it anymore. i want to take all the pain away and carry it for her, lock it away in my heart, so hers doesn't hurt.
i would be hit every evening for the rest of my life if it meant she wouldn't be. if she could get away and get happier life i would give up anything. i'd lose my sight, i'd lose my hearing if it meant she could get happy.
but i know that i can't make a deal like that. because who would there be to make the deal with?
if someone stood before me now, and said to me, i can stop her hurting and being so alone, but you have to give me part of you everday. i wouldn't hesitate, i would say yes.
if they said, you or her? i would gladly die if it meant she should live.
she deserves so much more than she has now, she deserves the respect she never gets now, she deserves someone to love her unconditionally and against everything, she deserves a family that love her. whether that means making her own, or this one realises what they have.