i'm so so sorry

there is something wrong with me. i don't know why really but i can't let people love me, most days i am fine. some days i just can't see why they would like me and they must just be saying words and not meaning them, so when i am like that i say stupid things i don't mean, i upset people that i really care about. it is just my past relationships aren't much to go on, my family's relationships are something that is beyond help. some people want to see their parents all the time, but it is overrated. it isn't all that great i think. my mum is always looking for faults, i haven't got enough make up on, my hair looks horrible. so i am not used to people saying i'm beautiful so when they do say it, the words don't seem to get into my head.
thats why when my girlfriend asked me what present did i want i couldn't think of anything. i don't want something material, material things get broken or lost. the best present i could possibly ask for is just for love. i know she thinks that she gives it everyday, she does, but it means the absolute world to me.
i don't have a close relationship with many people, so when i see her and i realise how much we love eachother i just feel amazing. i don't know how to explain it. but a hug from her is just so amazing.
i just wish i didn't say stupid things, it isn't other people, it's me with the problem. they should just ignore me and not take it seriously because it's not true, what i say. i just get so angry that i can't explain how i feel so much of the time.

i don't understand

i don't understand, seriously, for a month one of my mates has been a bit off with me, like talking behind my back and stuff. today i found out that 3 of my close friend aren't as close as i thought. they said that it is because i have changed.
but i don't know how i have changed. they say i get annoying because i talk about my gf, but if it only that why did they wait a month just to tell me that.
i didn't realise i did. i just love her so talk about yeah, i'm allowed. but then one of them just started going out wit someone new and they are always sittin together and hugging and she talks about him, so why can't i?
it isn't because of any other reason but of me being gay, thats the only reason they have. why is it different, thats what i want to know!
i don't know maybe if i just be more quiet and stuff then it will all blow over, coz there is tension at the minute and one of the girls has stopped hanging out wit the group at lunchtimes because i annoy them. if she had just said it wouldn't have got to this. maybe i just make a big deal out of it, but i am just shocked i suppose, to find out just suddenly, that 3 of them don't realli like me.

fantastic

today is fantastic. i duno, just wow.
i said i wouldn't let anyone take my shirt off but then she's just too special. i just trust her so much, i know i am being careful and she isn't forcing me so it's ok. if she blindfolded me and said jump i would jump. thats how much i trust her.
i don't know, i'm scared though that when we kiss, she just seems so perfect and i am so scared i am going to embarass myself or screw it all up, i don't have loads of experience in relationships and i love her so much i want to make sure she realises it and i don't mess everything up.

hiya

i am not having the most brillant day. i been realli missin her all day long. on thursday me and her was together properly and everything. it was so great, amazing. but today i like int seen her at all. it hurttttttttttttt. my tummy feels stupid coz i miss her so much.
i just wanna be wit her all the time, her smell and warmth is just like all i need. i duno, i was in my room and where she had been i cud still smell her smell, fantastic smell, and i just wish she was still there. but obviously i know i can't have that. i was laying down last night thinking about her.
this afternoon at lunchtime, i just wanted to be with her, not talk and everything, just know she was there coz i was having a down day. i wanted to miss ICT because i was so tired and upset, i know i shouldn't have and i didn't in the end. that's good. i think. i just do badly wanted to be with her.

wow

that was fucking WOW

just fuck off

everyone time i look at my mum i thousand emotions run through me. i want to love her but i can't, she has hurt me too much. last year she told me, promised me she wouldn't leave, promised me she would change but she drove all the way to fucking Scotland and took all the money from the bank. she wouldn't talk to me. i texted and phoned but nothing she turned her fucking phone off.
she went to her friends house, it was massive and had everything. she's really rich. i asked mum if she could everything she wanted or me would she leave? she should have no but she didn't, she changed the subject. i know she doesn't love me. she buys me things but that's not love. if she could have the new massive house and the money she would leave i know it.
no one can understand how that feels to see my own mum and know she doesn't love me and i don't love her. i hate being in this house it hurts so much. i want to scream and smash everything because it is always so quiet. everyone is talking but no one is actually saying anything useful, it is all a mask and a cover.
i want to move away, runaway. i tried but somehow i always get dragged back, i can never quite make it.