missing something.....

i feel like i am missing something. something that is very important.
i know it sounds really stupid because i never met him, but i really miss jhon. to me he was just a good mate on the other end of msn. but without him there it seems like there is just a gap. there is so many 'whats ifs' and future things that would have happened but now they can't...........
i need him sometimes, just to talk to, even though he didn't say helpful things all the time, just to have someone to listen. someone that doesn't think they already know about my life. because although bex is great at listening, she knows a lot about my life, so she has ideas about it before i tell her. with someone that knows nothing about me, they don't prejudge me. they just listen and help or just listen.
and this past month me and som have been so distant, arguing all the time and never seeing each other. sometimes i just make arguments just to have an excuse to talk to her. because if i don't i won't hear her voice or hear her say she loves me.
the one person that i really need is the one person who i can't have, and who is making it ache so much. i would never stop this for one moment though.
it just feels like sometimes i don't want to see her because everytime i do i have to say goodbye again. i will though, obviously, i will just have to get used to the goodbyes....

fire

i shouldn't have done it but it so fucking good.
she had been asking for it for months, she kept calling me stupid and whispering behind my back because me and mum don't talk. mum gives her all the money and not me. she loves her more than me.
like it is any of her fucking business!
so she touched me one too many, pushed me one too many times. i felt it rise from my stomach like poison, it coursed round my body like fire.
i turned round and slapped her straight across the face, i have never hit anyone and it felt good. she fell against the sofa and her eyes showed the fear and amazment in them for a few seconds until she came at me. she hit me round the back of the head but so much was my anger that i didn't feel it, i didn't even flinch i just laughed at her. all the anger i had inflicted on myself i finally let go.
the fear in her eyes made me stronger, i was the one with the power. i held her by her throat and pushed her aginst the wall. told her to never fucking touch me again, looked at her standing there almost crying and shaking and i laughed.
i feel so sick, this is not me. i never hit and i never get angry.
she laughed at my arms and told me to try harder next time, try harder, i didn't get it right. told me that i didn't get all the way. so i grabbed her neck again and threw her. she tried to hit me but i caught her arm and pushed her back again. everytime she tried to get at me i just grabbed her and threw her.
i stood and stared at her, she tried to stare back but i had so much hate in my eyes she couldn't.
i went and showered all the anger away, i cried and was sick and i tried to wash away all the pain and anger and fire.
i have finger nail marks on my arm, the pain that came from them made me stronger, the more she hurt me the stronger i got.

lies and betrayal

i don't know what to do. i know i say this a lot, but normally there is something i can try to do.
this time there is nothing, i love som so so much, i never ever want to lose her. but all this lying and sneaking around is beginning to get to me. i don't want to become a good liar and i don't want to be able to sneak around, they are bad things to get into.
i am not saying that i will stop doing it, because we have no choice, we love each other too much to not see eachother. but i just wish it was easier. i want to be able to love her and be accepted by her family, but i never will be.
all my family loves her and my dad would kill for her. he said so himself. but i won't ever have that with her family because they will never know me. i am not saying that i want it so bad, but it would be nice to be able to go round there and just say hi and for them to see that me and their daughter are happy together.
all this sneaking is just lie after lie. :(

what happens now?

i was going to try and burn the scars of my arms today.
i have this really strong wart/ blister thing that literally burns the skin so the blister or wart thing dies. i tested it on my finger, it literally dies and the skin falls off in about 5 seconds, i was going to pour some on my arms but then i realised i might need more than a wet tissue and a couple of bandages, like normal. the scars from that wouldn't long purple lines.
the skin would die, and dad would find out so i put the bottle back in the cabinet and just went and sat in my room for a while, trying to calm down.
then i started wondering that if that stuff can kill tough skin on my hand, what would happen if i swallowed enough? it would burn and melt my throat.
so i wondered about should i throw it away because there are days when i want something like that so bad and now i have found it, do i have the strength to stop myself, pouring it over my arms, it would hurt like hell.
it would be like pouring acid all over me and watching my skin burn and die.
so, what should i do with it? hide it, never open the cabinet, throw it away?

i am not strong enough

the thing about dad when he gets drunk is that he can't judge time. he kept talking about mum and i really didn't want to talk about it just then. i was having a night away from some of the sit back home.
he wants me to talk to mum, he wants me ask her, 'why don't you fight for me?'
she never let me get close, i tired so many times, i hugged her and desperately wanted to be hugged back, i asked her questions about her life and i told her all about mine. but she laughed and turned away.
told me her illness was her fault, she regreted me.
does she really? does she regret having me, or does she regret not being able to love me? are they the same?
i don't want to go to her and bear my heart one more time, to open up completely because i know she won't fight for me, she won't stand by me. i don't want to hurt myself one more time because she won't be a part of my life. i am not strong enough yet to hear the words that i dread hearing.
for years me, dad and hannah had no choice but give in to her, 'im ill i can't go out, we can't go on holiday there its too far, i can't help you, i am too ill.' she lived with us we had no choice.
i have a choice now, i don't have to accept her answers anymore. everytime i used to ask she used to laugh and turn away.
i will not have that any longer, every time she turns away from me my heart rips a little more, i can feel it bleed inside my chest.
do i know what the answer is? am i scared of what i might hear?
i can go on hating her because it is easy, it is easy to hate someone for their faults, but harder to love them. i know she can never show me she loves me.
i also know she loves me somewhere deep down. i have no time for her breaking my heart repeatedly.
dad thinks that if i never get the answer i can't move on with my life and my entire life will be poisoned by her.
i will write her an email and if she doesn't reply then this is the last chance, i will not carry on fighting for someone like that.
you don't choose family, if she wasn't related i would have given up ages ago. but as she is my mother i have to try. i have to be the bigger person.
i hate being the bigger person, a few days before she left she was upstairs lying on the bed and i went up there, i didn't want to but dad said i had to try.
i went upstairs and i told her everything i could, i said the reason we were staying with dad wasn't because we didn't love her. we weren't leaving her.
she lay there smirking and saying sarcastic comments. she didn't really care about me, standing in front of her crying because my mum didn't want to talk to me, she was sorry for herself. she was pitying herself because she wanted us to let her do whatever she wanted, no emotion/ strings attached.
i cried myself to sleep, thinking that eventually, whatever dad says about her maybe finally opening up, i am going to get my heart broken the day i talk to her. because she won't talk to me, and she won't fight for me, and it will be the last time i ever speak to my mum.

life line!

heya huni,
sorri about this.
it just i need to talk to someone and i trust you to listen properly and answer properly. i getting really upset about it, and i can't talk to her about it because it not her fault and she get upset.
you know charlotte fancied som? but she said she didn't.

●)¢нαяℓσттє(●) says:
i like u lke ldz
(●)¢нαяℓσттє(●) says:
its seems like more than a mate

som just send me that from her and charlotte conversation. i know it not som fault but she keep talking and talking about it and it really upset me. sometimes i think she flirt with her and lead her on but she don't realise she doing it. she is a natural flirt seriously.

but charlotte knows me and her are going out, so why does she keep trying to get som to like her. because no one would say something like that without wanting the whole thing would they? thats just logical.

i know it not fair to ask you but i really don't know what to do and you the only person i can trust and talk to.

i know som is love me but sometimes i don't think she realise how i am going to take it. she rang me up and was asking me what she should do about charlotte, saying she felt bad and talking about their conversation and giggling and stuff. it just makes my tummy feel like i being stabbed.

she is still thinking danielle fancying me, because danielle left love on my bebo and hugged me and keeps seeing me in the corridor. me and her were together in pe weren't we? but she not fancy me! she not even gay!

me and her just got better mate recently. so i not allowed to talk to people som don't know now? i don't get it, she said she is jeaous of my time with you coz we so close but she knows we not gonna go out or flirt so it ok.

is that too controlling do you think?

im so stuck! i could realli use some of that special bex-ness right now huni. sorri to moan for so long but you the closest person to me.
love ya xxx becky xxx

why?

i am feeling really quiet today. i don't think quiet is the right word, it more like completely tired and down. i not really sure why though.
i was trying to think about it, and i know i probably have a lot of stuff to be sad about:
**mum had an affair and moved out
**mum never talks to me, phones me, emails me, texts me, or bother to keep in touch at all.
**my dad can't get a job so the house is in jeopardy
and most of my past aswell.
i spose i kind of decided, yeah i have had a shit start to life, i also know there is more shit to come. so why am i so bothered? if thats all i focus on, then that is all i will be able to see. so why not focus on the good parts, and try to have more of them, then maybe the shit parts will kind of get erased.
som keeps getting obssesed with me being jealous, i get jealous realli easily normally, but as everyone fancies her i don't see the point anymore. i love her and i know she loves me. so why do i worry so much?
so at lunchtime she like walked arm in arm with charlotte [this girl who fancied som, and probably still does a bit, its obvious] then hugged her in front of me to try to get me jealous and act silly.
then she says'did you see that?'
of course i bloody well did!
she got realli stressed with me when i joked about flirting with other people, but she changed it for herself?
i not angry at her, although it sounds like that. i just realli upset that she thought it was funny to mess about with my feelings like that.
i got more in my head but i a bit stressed to write it all now.