summer holidays

i am on my holidays now, well, it wednesday. so i been on holidays for quite a while now, lol. i have been reading my diary, i know boring but i like to see how far i have come. i can't believe how different i am in personality in just 4 months.
4 months ago was when i went through my bad depression stage, the not eating, the self harm, the tears that would never fall. i am so happy and glad to have such AMAZING friends, without i sometimes wonder whether i would still be here. that sounds melodramatic but it true.
i think when you come so close to utter depression and collapsing then you realise you never want it again. i have been taking life by the hand and giving everything i have. i still have problems with adjusting to my family, but at school i actually want to be there. i want to have challenges and see friends and have the fun.
at home my parents are always arguing, i think they don't realise what it does to the atmosphere; i remember clearly every fight they ever had. i can remember holding my little sister as she shivered with fright in my arms, wishing that both parents would come out alright from behind the door. on those nights i had to grow up, i wasn't allowed to be scared, i waasn't allowed to cry because i was responsible for my sister. it isn't her fault, i know that. it isn't my parents either. i just wish i could erase the guilt, regret and resentment welling up everytime i see them in a new argument. i just want to scream, don't you love me? don't you understand what you are doing to me?
i never cry, the tears are too well buried, i don't want them to rise for how will i stop them? every night i lay asleep and star at the ceiling, making death speeches. speeches to my friends, to my parents. speeches saying everything. sometimes i am close to death because of something i have done to myself, sometimes it is an accident. i hate them, why do i make speeches all the time like this? i won't need them. i have millions, they are my way of release, i can imagine my parents listening as they don't in reality. they listen from behind their bars in my dreams. they listen and they actually hear. everyone is quiet and they all listen, they all hear. they don't say anything, they don't give their opinions, i don't want them. but they hear me, and my parents say sorry, my friends say goodbye, they understand. they all hear me.
in reality my friends listen but i know they don't understand, they listen but they don't hear. the person in my head, the self harm, the not eating. i was fucked up, i will not deny that, i was. seriously messed up. i changed, i didn't want the lifestyle anymore. it wasn't helping me, it wasn't making me happy. it was ruining my relationships. it wasn't right. my mate, who went through the same sort of things, helped, just by helping them it helped me, i had a purpose, that was all i needed. i don't know if i helped them, i hope so.