death speeches

every night i make death speeches, just before i go to bed. i make speeches to friends, to family, i don't write them down obviously, but they are there in my head. if i get hit by a car what are my last words? i don't know why i do it but i can't help myself. i lay there and say all the things i wish i could in life, in the last moment of life i can say it all. but what do i say to people when i am alive. sometimes i wish i was almost dead so i could say all i want and tell the truth. like i am told i am going to die in a week, what do i do and say. i would rather that happen than me go on like this.
if i were told tomorrow that i had a week to live i would cherish it and tell evryone i knew all that i can't say now. i would cry because the tears i have held in for years would finally flow. i would be happy. i wish that that would happen. i will wake up and realise it is nearly over.
i see the knives in the kitchen and think i used to cut myself with those. yet i can still look at them and use them and not think at the time of self harm. i must be stronger than i thought sometimes yet i still don't see why i did stop, it wasn't my choice. i hate that i can't live and forget all it takes it something i see or hear to bring all the past up again. i hate that feeling. sometimes i think about it and think that the ache and the feeling will eventually turn into only the past and i won't see them around the corner anymore.