i really want to go and sit in the rain. that is what i truly deserve right now. when i had my girlfriend round she was gonna do something special on the way home when we walk, but i didn't know until now, but i wanted to go in car. so we went in car and as we in car i couldn't even hug her when she at home. then i know from her cousin that she really upset about it.
how can i be so naive? i don't deserve love. i am so stupid. i really love her. truly. she is what i got up for in the mornings, it so much fun with her. i really love her. i can't think why the hell she would want me though?!
i always screw up.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
better now
i have just been for a bike ride, i feel a lot better to get out of the house.
much more refreshed. i had a bad morning but am great now. so is all okies! i sometimes can't believe that i can get so down then have such happy moments for ages. prefer happier though lol.
much more refreshed. i had a bad morning but am great now. so is all okies! i sometimes can't believe that i can get so down then have such happy moments for ages. prefer happier though lol.
this finishes now!
this morning i couldn't believe how i could just break the promise i made myself so easily! i had a badge and was about to scratch the words 'fat' into my stomach when i though my mum would find out and kill me. i've got scars on my arms i'm not gonna let myself have them on my stomach aswell!
i will stop. i will make it stop.
i will stop. i will make it stop.
diets just don't work!
i am so angry with myself. i promised myself before the holidays began that it wouldn't be the same as all the others, normally i just do nothing and eat all the time, because there is no structure to my day and i don't really do any hobbies during the holidays.
i lost loads of weight in the last couple of weeks of the school term and managed to get down to 8 stone. but i didn't try, i told myself that it was only a biscuit, only a bag of crisps but then i just stopped doing anything and all the weight i lost was put all back on.
that is all i seem to do, diet then binge then start all over again. i am getting so tired of it all. i wish i could just stick to a healthy lifestyle!
i lost loads of weight in the last couple of weeks of the school term and managed to get down to 8 stone. but i didn't try, i told myself that it was only a biscuit, only a bag of crisps but then i just stopped doing anything and all the weight i lost was put all back on.
that is all i seem to do, diet then binge then start all over again. i am getting so tired of it all. i wish i could just stick to a healthy lifestyle!
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
all by myself
i am feeling realli alone. the person who could make me feel better is in london though, and i'm not gonna train down there because,
1. i don't know where they are
2. i'm not allowed
3. i think they are there for a reason so i can't.
it so rubbish i not gonna see them until the beginning of school in two weeks!
sometimes i wish there was someone to hold me, they wouldn't ask questions, they wouldn't give me their advice, they wouldn't think about it, just hold me until i felt safe. i don't think that's going to happen though.
1. i don't know where they are
2. i'm not allowed
3. i think they are there for a reason so i can't.
it so rubbish i not gonna see them until the beginning of school in two weeks!
sometimes i wish there was someone to hold me, they wouldn't ask questions, they wouldn't give me their advice, they wouldn't think about it, just hold me until i felt safe. i don't think that's going to happen though.
Monday, August 21, 2006
my dad is annoying me now
My dad is getting over the limit. Correction, IS over the limit. Everytime he comes into a room he has to poke, prod or make fun of someone then laugh at his own joke, if he wants to stay friends with me, that's not really the way to go about it.
i am 14, and i don't think he realises that. he can't just chill, then after he has annoyed the hell out of me and my sister and mum he'll go all off in a strop and sulk and shout at us all because we snap at him!
it is just ridiculous. why does he bother, you shouldn't have to try in a relationship, it should be natural but he is squashing all the fun and everything out of the relatonships he has with his family.
whenever he gets in from work i don't think hi dad, nice day or something i think god, brace yourselves. he will mess up or jog you when your writing and then laugh and pull a stupid face. he isn't stupid, he is actually really clever and he isn't a loser, i'm not just defending him, he's always out with his mates and stuff, he just can't be as he is with his family as he is with mates.
i am 14, and i don't think he realises that. he can't just chill, then after he has annoyed the hell out of me and my sister and mum he'll go all off in a strop and sulk and shout at us all because we snap at him!
it is just ridiculous. why does he bother, you shouldn't have to try in a relationship, it should be natural but he is squashing all the fun and everything out of the relatonships he has with his family.
whenever he gets in from work i don't think hi dad, nice day or something i think god, brace yourselves. he will mess up or jog you when your writing and then laugh and pull a stupid face. he isn't stupid, he is actually really clever and he isn't a loser, i'm not just defending him, he's always out with his mates and stuff, he just can't be as he is with his family as he is with mates.
Friday, August 11, 2006
death speeches
every night i make death speeches, just before i go to bed. i make speeches to friends, to family, i don't write them down obviously, but they are there in my head. if i get hit by a car what are my last words? i don't know why i do it but i can't help myself. i lay there and say all the things i wish i could in life, in the last moment of life i can say it all. but what do i say to people when i am alive. sometimes i wish i was almost dead so i could say all i want and tell the truth. like i am told i am going to die in a week, what do i do and say. i would rather that happen than me go on like this.
if i were told tomorrow that i had a week to live i would cherish it and tell evryone i knew all that i can't say now. i would cry because the tears i have held in for years would finally flow. i would be happy. i wish that that would happen. i will wake up and realise it is nearly over.
i see the knives in the kitchen and think i used to cut myself with those. yet i can still look at them and use them and not think at the time of self harm. i must be stronger than i thought sometimes yet i still don't see why i did stop, it wasn't my choice. i hate that i can't live and forget all it takes it something i see or hear to bring all the past up again. i hate that feeling. sometimes i think about it and think that the ache and the feeling will eventually turn into only the past and i won't see them around the corner anymore.
if i were told tomorrow that i had a week to live i would cherish it and tell evryone i knew all that i can't say now. i would cry because the tears i have held in for years would finally flow. i would be happy. i wish that that would happen. i will wake up and realise it is nearly over.
i see the knives in the kitchen and think i used to cut myself with those. yet i can still look at them and use them and not think at the time of self harm. i must be stronger than i thought sometimes yet i still don't see why i did stop, it wasn't my choice. i hate that i can't live and forget all it takes it something i see or hear to bring all the past up again. i hate that feeling. sometimes i think about it and think that the ache and the feeling will eventually turn into only the past and i won't see them around the corner anymore.
lonely on holiday
i just am kinda bored. holidays are great but most of my friends don't live near and there isn't much to do. i sometimes wish there was more to do, i want to go to the beach with everyone, train down, but if this rain holds up that's gonna be impossible. i love the sea in the rain and sun but not many other people agree.
it doesn't help that i am feeling so lonely. i am in a housefull of people and children, mum is a childminder, yet i am lonely. sometimes when i have the house to myself it feels more comfortable. i wish that someone i love would hold me. like i could just sit there and feel comfortable and not like any judgements are near or anything.
my mum and me are always together in the house but we are never together. she is so difficult to understand, she never talks about problems and judgment is massive in her life. she had problems and she passed them onto me. i had councelling for it. i don't blame her, it isn't her fault. i sometimes feel as if we don't have a relationship. i don't want to move away or be pushed away and never have a reason to return to see her. i am terrified that we will drift apart so much and never talk and share that the only similarity we have is a name and a house. i don't want that to happen.
the room me and my sister share has this mattress in it that we need to get rid of, she blames me for it being there when it is a joint responsibility. she actually threw it at me when i was in bed because i had taken it out from under my bed in order to deal with it. i tidied up her mess for years, mum used to say to us that both of us would miss out on treats if the room wasn't tidy and hannah would always not tidy it. i would do it. hannah's mess isn't normal mess, i actually have to catapult myself towards my bed at the far side of the room to get over it. i can't get to the window and door without a major effort on my part. i can't sleep in that environment.
am i asking too much by saying can she keep her dirty clothes in a washbin and her stuff in the boxes under her bed.
it is my fault, if i hadn't tidied it and just made her do it and hadn't given up then she would maybe be used to doing it now. mum used to say to me, just tidy it, you are good at it. that way we can avoid arguments.
now for the past 3 years every time i tidy my 12 year old sister's mess up i make a vow to myself that this is the last time. then when it overwhelms me and i become a prisoner in my own room i give in, this cycle tears me up inside and the whole time i am tidying the mess and slowly breaking all my vows to myself i cry the whole time. i am not just breaking a promise, i am breaking a promise to myself, the worst part is that it is probably my fault.
it sounds stupid doesn't it that all this is over a room. it sounds it, but if you ever lived like it you would feel the same. i am reduced to hurting myself in order to shut up my mum and sister screaming at eachother. hannah never says thank you, and she told me the other day when i left my notepad on the floor beside my bed that i was filthy and untidy.
i can feel it inside myself now, i can not go into my own room because i feel ill and uncomfortable. i must sound like such an idiot.
it doesn't help that i am feeling so lonely. i am in a housefull of people and children, mum is a childminder, yet i am lonely. sometimes when i have the house to myself it feels more comfortable. i wish that someone i love would hold me. like i could just sit there and feel comfortable and not like any judgements are near or anything.
my mum and me are always together in the house but we are never together. she is so difficult to understand, she never talks about problems and judgment is massive in her life. she had problems and she passed them onto me. i had councelling for it. i don't blame her, it isn't her fault. i sometimes feel as if we don't have a relationship. i don't want to move away or be pushed away and never have a reason to return to see her. i am terrified that we will drift apart so much and never talk and share that the only similarity we have is a name and a house. i don't want that to happen.
the room me and my sister share has this mattress in it that we need to get rid of, she blames me for it being there when it is a joint responsibility. she actually threw it at me when i was in bed because i had taken it out from under my bed in order to deal with it. i tidied up her mess for years, mum used to say to us that both of us would miss out on treats if the room wasn't tidy and hannah would always not tidy it. i would do it. hannah's mess isn't normal mess, i actually have to catapult myself towards my bed at the far side of the room to get over it. i can't get to the window and door without a major effort on my part. i can't sleep in that environment.
am i asking too much by saying can she keep her dirty clothes in a washbin and her stuff in the boxes under her bed.
it is my fault, if i hadn't tidied it and just made her do it and hadn't given up then she would maybe be used to doing it now. mum used to say to me, just tidy it, you are good at it. that way we can avoid arguments.
now for the past 3 years every time i tidy my 12 year old sister's mess up i make a vow to myself that this is the last time. then when it overwhelms me and i become a prisoner in my own room i give in, this cycle tears me up inside and the whole time i am tidying the mess and slowly breaking all my vows to myself i cry the whole time. i am not just breaking a promise, i am breaking a promise to myself, the worst part is that it is probably my fault.
it sounds stupid doesn't it that all this is over a room. it sounds it, but if you ever lived like it you would feel the same. i am reduced to hurting myself in order to shut up my mum and sister screaming at eachother. hannah never says thank you, and she told me the other day when i left my notepad on the floor beside my bed that i was filthy and untidy.
i can feel it inside myself now, i can not go into my own room because i feel ill and uncomfortable. i must sound like such an idiot.
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