i just felt so happy that day.
she ha been having a rough time and she was shattered so she was lying in my arms and she looked so gorgeous and peaceful. i just wish i could have stayed there and held her for as long as she needed me.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
what are friends for!
its just one thing after another.
tom broke up with hana, and then tom and bex (hana's step sis) go out. hana and tom weren't even in love. but there was this massive argument, and tom and bex both asked me to help and get involved, but now i am the only one who is going to get in the face!
i was trying to ask hana to forgive bex and tom, but tasha was slaggin everyone off, but tasha is safe because she can run off. she is playing bex though, she called bex a cunt and bex still is friends, so after bex and tom asked me to get involved they have now both run off and stayed safe but i got stuck in the middle now so i am gonna get slaughtered on monday.
now i love bex and tom but they won't stick up for me, i am not going to ask them either.
i let myself get involved i could have said no i don't want to be in the middle, but what sort of friend would i be? they are more important than me.
at the moment that feels one sided though. so i am not biking tomorrow, i am going to leave early and go on my own, i am not going to risk it.
tom broke up with hana, and then tom and bex (hana's step sis) go out. hana and tom weren't even in love. but there was this massive argument, and tom and bex both asked me to help and get involved, but now i am the only one who is going to get in the face!
i was trying to ask hana to forgive bex and tom, but tasha was slaggin everyone off, but tasha is safe because she can run off. she is playing bex though, she called bex a cunt and bex still is friends, so after bex and tom asked me to get involved they have now both run off and stayed safe but i got stuck in the middle now so i am gonna get slaughtered on monday.
now i love bex and tom but they won't stick up for me, i am not going to ask them either.
i let myself get involved i could have said no i don't want to be in the middle, but what sort of friend would i be? they are more important than me.
at the moment that feels one sided though. so i am not biking tomorrow, i am going to leave early and go on my own, i am not going to risk it.
Monday, February 12, 2007
do i deserve this?
i keep getting bad luck it seems, so have i actually done anything wrong or to deserve this? or is it just bad luck?
i have done almost everything right! i have kept the house going, i have been strong and i have been all caring and good when all i realli want to do is curl up and cry and never go outside again.
i deserve something for me, surely! just something to go right!
hannah is always getting new things and she had her massive shopping trip, but i don't want loads of new things and i only want my money back because i hate having lost things! i don't want loads of 'stuff' i just want to be able to get up in the morning and be ok.
i am so sick of all this!
i have done almost everything right! i have kept the house going, i have been strong and i have been all caring and good when all i realli want to do is curl up and cry and never go outside again.
i deserve something for me, surely! just something to go right!
hannah is always getting new things and she had her massive shopping trip, but i don't want loads of new things and i only want my money back because i hate having lost things! i don't want loads of 'stuff' i just want to be able to get up in the morning and be ok.
i am so sick of all this!
Sunday, February 11, 2007
love
lying in the shower, i feel empty, i have such a difficult couple of months. i want to cry so badly but i don't want to admit it to myself. i don't want to think so much i am hurting inside, people depend on me, don't they, to stay strong. or is it just me not wanting to admit i can cry?
i have a sinking feeling that it is only me being my closed up self.
as i was sitting in the bath with the boiling water burning my back i got thinking, what is love?
so then i was trying to come up with an answer, then i remembered the day me and som were walking down the street and i was watching her just walking in front of me, and i had this smile on my face and a warm, snuggly feeling in my tummy. i think that is what love is:
(1) you feel complete when you see that person living
(2) they make you feel safe (like when i slept in her arms)
(3) you can talk about your future and important things together and know they will happen.
i have a lot of things to explain, a headful of thoughts but i can't write them today for some reason, it's my heart, it is aching to see my gorgeous sxc babes, which i can't properly for days.
it is like i have never actually lived with her, but i can't live without her.
i don't want her to think i am depending on her and being all clingy and stupid though.
i have a sinking feeling that it is only me being my closed up self.
as i was sitting in the bath with the boiling water burning my back i got thinking, what is love?
so then i was trying to come up with an answer, then i remembered the day me and som were walking down the street and i was watching her just walking in front of me, and i had this smile on my face and a warm, snuggly feeling in my tummy. i think that is what love is:
(1) you feel complete when you see that person living
(2) they make you feel safe (like when i slept in her arms)
(3) you can talk about your future and important things together and know they will happen.
i have a lot of things to explain, a headful of thoughts but i can't write them today for some reason, it's my heart, it is aching to see my gorgeous sxc babes, which i can't properly for days.
it is like i have never actually lived with her, but i can't live without her.
i don't want her to think i am depending on her and being all clingy and stupid though.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
thats it!! how can she do this!!
this time it has gone too far.
dad got a loan for £10,000, or a little less. anyways, but half of it went to him and half to mum. we would pay it all back, and mum was going to give us the half back to clear the debts on the house. if she doesn't do this the house will be taken away and me and dad will be homeless.
but when she gave the cheque to hannah, it wasn't signed, we thought it was just a mistake. but when dad asked for her signature, she said, grinning, 'you keep my car, i keep your money.'
it isn't even her car! my nanny, dad's mum, bought it!
so she has forced us to give her a car otherwise we will lose the house. we will have to live with nanny.
how can she do that, blackmail us, car or be homeless!?? she has lost the plot, she has completely given in to the poison and to steve. it's him behind her, mostly her though. she blames dad for absolutely everything in their marriage that went wrong.
it was her who wouldn't fight to get better, who had all the affairs.
dad got a loan for £10,000, or a little less. anyways, but half of it went to him and half to mum. we would pay it all back, and mum was going to give us the half back to clear the debts on the house. if she doesn't do this the house will be taken away and me and dad will be homeless.
but when she gave the cheque to hannah, it wasn't signed, we thought it was just a mistake. but when dad asked for her signature, she said, grinning, 'you keep my car, i keep your money.'
it isn't even her car! my nanny, dad's mum, bought it!
so she has forced us to give her a car otherwise we will lose the house. we will have to live with nanny.
how can she do that, blackmail us, car or be homeless!?? she has lost the plot, she has completely given in to the poison and to steve. it's him behind her, mostly her though. she blames dad for absolutely everything in their marriage that went wrong.
it was her who wouldn't fight to get better, who had all the affairs.
Friday, February 09, 2007
feeling better
ever since i admitted to myself that i am not ok and i have let myself cry and let myself have some time off, i feel really good. not perfect obviously, but i feel like i am no longer pretending and i can feel.
the other night i slept the most i have slept in months, i spoke to som on the phone before going to sleep then i hugged her jumper and bear to me and i could smell her smell, it was like after i had let all the stress and tension out i was completely exhausted.
i normally feel lonely at night, it is like i have never actually with my bbz all night but i can't sleep without her either. i know that doesn't make sense.
but speaking to her before going to sleep made me ok, it was as if her voice stayed with me and i could smell her aswell she seemed so close.
the other night i slept the most i have slept in months, i spoke to som on the phone before going to sleep then i hugged her jumper and bear to me and i could smell her smell, it was like after i had let all the stress and tension out i was completely exhausted.
i normally feel lonely at night, it is like i have never actually with my bbz all night but i can't sleep without her either. i know that doesn't make sense.
but speaking to her before going to sleep made me ok, it was as if her voice stayed with me and i could smell her aswell she seemed so close.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
why me?
i have been off school for tuesday and wednesday and i am probably going to stay off the rest of the week aswell.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
why me?
i have been off school for tuesday and wednesday and i am probably going to stay off the rest of the week aswell.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
how much more!?
i was being selfish on saturday night, again, som was ill but she still came round mine. i should have said no, don't come round. but i was really missing her, i was feeling so cold and empty. i feel so scared, as if the more time i spend without her the more i will never see her again. because it feels like lately i keep losing things, everything is falling away.
so when it was time for her to go i was holding her shirt so tight i have marks from my fingernails in my palms.
but we eventually got half way to hers, i just felt so small and lost, i had been crying all the way. with evey pedal i took and the closer my bike took me to her house fresh tears threatened to fall. i just braked in the middle of the road, i just sat there, completely still, tears making my face shine in the dim light and my fingers slowly getting colder.
she must have known what i was thinking, just like a year ago, on that busy main road. she dragged both our bikes onto the path and pulled me along too and then i was just standing there with her refusing to let go of my coat and then she just held on really tight and i just felt so lost.
when she said, 'i love you'
i couldn't even trust my throat to talk it took me ages to say it back, not because i didn't love her, she will never understand how much i love her. i am not good with words, so i am bad at showing it but i feel it so much that sometimes i feel so full of love i could burst.
i kept just crying and crying in her arms and when i got home, i am so lucky and i am so scared everyday that it isn't true and i will wake up from this wonderful dream.
i'm losing
i haven't written anything down in a while, i keep talking to people so there is no need. but i can see now that i made a mistake. people don't really want to hear it. it hurts and its bad so why would they? why would anyone want to focus on that?!
i can remember what it was like when i was small. mum wasn't always like this. she used to be fun most of the time.
as always the bad memories stick though, i can remember when i was 2 or 3, and hannah was newly born and she was upstairs asleep. it was a rare moment that i spent with mum alone now. we were concentrating on my education. she was tired and i so desperately wanted to impress her, but she was in one of her moods. she was teaching me to write my name, one letter at a time. for some reason i simply couldn't get the 'e' right. i kept writing it backwards.
however hard i tried i couldn't do it, i don't know why. i could feel mum getting more and frustrated beside me and losing patience. she snatched the pencil from my fingers and wrote it for the tenth time, before throwing the pencil down.
i tried to do it right, i held the pencil tightly and concentrated hard but my mind was all over the place and i was in such a panic. i got it wrong again, i could feel beside me the anger.
she threw the pencil away against the wall and started shouting. i didn't know what to do and held on the side of my chair, almost wetting myself with panic and fright.
finally i suppose she just lost it, she smacked me across the side of my head with the flat of her hand, i wasn't ready for it and went flying off the chair and was sprawled across the floor.
she didn't hit me often, if at all realli. i think that was just a rare occurance.
it was a little before this she has been subscribed to seroxat.
i can remember what it was like when i was small. mum wasn't always like this. she used to be fun most of the time.
as always the bad memories stick though, i can remember when i was 2 or 3, and hannah was newly born and she was upstairs asleep. it was a rare moment that i spent with mum alone now. we were concentrating on my education. she was tired and i so desperately wanted to impress her, but she was in one of her moods. she was teaching me to write my name, one letter at a time. for some reason i simply couldn't get the 'e' right. i kept writing it backwards.
however hard i tried i couldn't do it, i don't know why. i could feel mum getting more and frustrated beside me and losing patience. she snatched the pencil from my fingers and wrote it for the tenth time, before throwing the pencil down.
i tried to do it right, i held the pencil tightly and concentrated hard but my mind was all over the place and i was in such a panic. i got it wrong again, i could feel beside me the anger.
she threw the pencil away against the wall and started shouting. i didn't know what to do and held on the side of my chair, almost wetting myself with panic and fright.
finally i suppose she just lost it, she smacked me across the side of my head with the flat of her hand, i wasn't ready for it and went flying off the chair and was sprawled across the floor.
she didn't hit me often, if at all realli. i think that was just a rare occurance.
it was a little before this she has been subscribed to seroxat.
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