it only hurts when i'm breathing.

i feel like screaming, like, screaming until my lungs are broken and my throat is raw, my heart and head might stop screaming at me then. i play music full blast into my head so i can't hear what's already in there.

my mum and dad argue, snidy remarks, they don't shout, just whisper to eachother. as if me and hannah can't hear, i lay there at night, wishing it would stop. they used to fight, hit eachother, mum hit, dad hit. i used to think that it was dad's fault, but my mum is just as bad. they don't need to scream at me but i scream at myself enough as it is.

at school i smile and laugh, sometimes i truly forget but most of the time i feel fake. i feel pointless. i blame myself for their arguing. if i get better results at school they would be happier. i got two 7s in my SATs and when i told them, they said well done and virtually ignored me.
they are so wrapped up in their own arguments and pain to i am only human.

i may be younger than them, but i still feel as much pain as they do. i thought if i did extra work they would be happier and not ignore me, it didn't work. i started going to after school clubs so as to stay away from home.

my parents never get hurt badly when they fight, it isn't serious or anything. it's the emotional pain that hurts, not the physical.

i used to self- harm because it took the emotional pain to physical pain instead, but mum laughed at me and said i was attention seeking.
i go to friend's houses and think that their lives must be so much better than mine. i probably am attention seeking.

i have been to councelling but i stopped, not because i was better but because to bring happiness you need to get rid of pain, and i couldn't do it.

i love my parents, i do. i love them, but i sometimes think do they love me? i get good grades and they are proud, but do they really love me. they would save me, but is it because they truly love me unconditionally.

if they had the choice between perfect lifestyle and me would they stay or leave me? i haven't told anyone this because they won't believe me.

i want to cry, really badly, but the tears won't fall. they are too well held back, now they won't fall. i have prevented them from erupting so long now that if they do fall will i ever stop?

i want to scream, sing, dance, cry, sob. most of all i want to love. love someone who loves me. who shows it and who loves me through my faults, someone who i can be with and they won't question me, just listen. i don't want their opinion, just their support. i don't even need them to agree, just to be there if they do or don't. i want to be alone for a day, week, month, year. how ever long it takes for me to feel i can face the world without the constant fear of being knocked down. i smile and laugh, so why can't i cry? is there something wrong with me?