fucks sake

sometimes i feel so stupid. i think too much, thats my problem, if something goes wrong or i make a mistake i can't just think oh well it happens, i dwell on it all day until i feel sick in the tummy. i wish i was smarter. i am clever at school but in the actual world i am stupid. it is so annoying. i don't know anything about what size tips to leave, i can't even ask the fucking hairdresser for a different style of hair in case they don't know what i want and it comes out wrong.
when i am with my mates i am fine, i can take control sometimes, i've got back up. but when i am by myself i just don't work. it's annoying. i blame my mum sometimes, when i was a kid she was scared off everything, when the phone rang she wouldn't answer it and she always had the curtains shut so no one knocked on our door. she was terrified of everything, she isn't as bad now but it got stuck on me. she passed all her stupid fears and phobias onto me!
i am scared of talking to people i don't know. like this work experience thing, i will probably be sick the night before as i will be so nervous. i have to fight with all the fear she gave me everyday of my fucking life. it gets so boring and annoying. most days i wanna sit in my room and be alone, because then life doesn't get in the way. i can do whatever the hell i want when i want and no one will laugh i won't make mistakes and everything will be ok.
i sometimes wish my mum would leave, i know that sounds mean but she has so fucked my life up in so many ways that sometimes i think i would be better off without her. she passed all her problems onto me and she watches me everyday deal with them and won't help. she won't admit that it's her fault. i can't wait til i leave home and she isn't ruling my life anymore.

life

i am gonna see the kooks on sunday night but they have now been postponed! thats annoying. at least i get to see them. it is gonna be wicked.
normally i dress just with jeans and shirts and not much make up but me and my mate bex are going to school on monday as emo's! it is gonna be so fun. i am going up the city on sunday to buy some make up and accessories for it. lol. gonna be hilarious. i am having my hair cut anyway all short and choppy like i normally do but i might hair wax it spiky or something.
tasha is probably gonna be all weird with me when she sees it but i don't care much anymore, she has been bitching about me then pretending to be my friend. i don't have time for people like that. i got my life and if i wanna have happy days thats what i gonna have.
omg, in may i have got my work experience and i want to work in a school or architect building, because they are the two jobs i would like to do. but i get nervous really easily! i find it really hard to talk to people that i don't know. especially as they will be a lot older than me! but i am still gonna do it because it would be silly not to, wouldn't it. if i get scared, i'll just ignore it.

im so terribleeeeeeeeeee

yesterday i found out my sister is kinda unhappy but i didn't know becasue i always make time for my friends and myself but me and my sister have never been close. i kinda thought that was just how it was gonna be. but yesterday we were making a joint bebo, msn and we were having loads of fun together. i never actually listen to her but we were talking and she is actually more fun than i thought.
what really got me was when she ' i hope you stay in love forever' i sed 'why' she sed u r loads of fun and you listen to me and be a sister!
omg i thought i was gonna break down in tears, seriously! i really never thought we liked eachother that much but we actually have a lot in common and stuff. god i must sound sooooooo horrible. well, i spose it's true realli. omggggggggggggggggggggg. i am so gonna keep being a sister better now.

gorgeous

omg, i am so happy. she is sooooo gorgeous, i still can't believe sometimes how lucky i am. i just wanna hug and kiss her forever. i can't i know. i thought i would be really nervous about kissing but it shows how special she is, i not at all! i just wish we had more time together.
i just like close my eyes when we kiss though and i really worried that i look stupid, but i close my eyes because i want to be able to think about the kiss not anything else.

first

lol, today has been really good. at lunchtime me and som and bex were all playing badminton. then when we were changed and bex had gone me and som had our first kiss!
it doesn't sound half as good when i say it but it was really cool. like i dunno, just like perfect! i thought i would be all nervous when it happened but i wasn't. shows how special she is i spose! i have had a butterfly feeling in my tummy all afternoon. i will just grin really big when i remember. i must look really dazed :S. lol, it was great though. but then these two girls walk in room so had to let go and leave. :(
hee hee i smiling now.

what the f***

not so great day. ever since i have been going out with my gf, my mate had been really funny, she is ok with it i know but it like she jealous that i don't spend as much time with her, i used to talk to her and rely on my mate all the time but now i don't, i talk and spend more time with my gf.
it isn't like i can only talk to one person, i have the group but i confided in her most. now she has gone all cold and says things like that i never talk and she will be fine with me then all of a sudden go really cold. like in science we were fine and then i asked a question and she starts, '
oh my god, you are annoying you have completely fucked up the experiment! you are really pissing me off! i am gonna pour this water over your head in a minute if you don't stop.'
i dunno if i was actually being annoying or something, i don't think so and definately not for that reaction. i was so shocked!
she is normally so happy and fun to be with but lately i duno.

definately now, serious

i am actually stopping self harming now.
actually this time! my girlfriend said that she doesn't like it, it hurts her more than me. so i am actually going try this time because i love her.
skin splits so easily though! how easy it is to just run a blade along it, i don't think many people realise just how easy it is. i am not saying that i want anyone to find out.
it is not a habit i want anyone to develop and one that is not easily broken. but i not gonna let it keep taking me over and i refuse to keep using it as a get away, i have friends and an amazing girlfriend so i don't need to cut myself anymore!
coz if she gonna be upset about it NO WAY am i gonna let happen, coz i would rather stop and sometimes get stress (but it isn't for very long) than have her upset, i couldn't stand that ever.

prefer this!

i am happy today, back with my mates, school aswell, but never mind.
at lunch time, my gf leaning against me, and i think i would prefer to sit like that than anything massive and sweet cause just her against me, the warmth i guess, is enough to make me feel happy. like when we hug before lesson. that all i really want i think. just the simple but lovin i spose. i duno i just think it better.

at school

i am in school! i didn't think it would let me in here, coz the filter system is like reallyyy strict!
anyways, i am feeling really good today, except from the fact that my little sister got me up at like 4.30 am! it is her first day at high school today so i let her off. i can remember feeling the same. i came with her in the car so got here hours before i actully need to be here. coz year 9 + go in at break time so the year 8 can have the school to themselves for a little while. i can remember being really nervous, but she isn't, she is completely sure and everything.
she is my little sister and she taller than me! but i think she is more bothered than i am. i couldn't really care less because i don't really want to be taller than all my friends. she is at least a head taller than hers. too tall for her own good.
most of my friends still int gonna be here for hours yet. got som here though so is all okies. not gonna get bored.

love

the day before yesterday i text my gf that i love her loads.
yestrday her cousin told me that she didn't go to there dinner out thing. when i ask him why he said that she just was smiling and too happy to go. so when he come back from the dinner thing she still sitting outside and smiling! i was like why she happy, he say that cause she got text! lol.
i can imagine her sitting there actually. when i see her smile it gonna make my tummy go all funny and i go all warm, so when he tell me she done that i go all warm! lol.