i hate her

my mum is screwing my life a million times over. she won't pay my dad any maintenance for me or my sister, she thinks it is like once she has left the house she can leave everything else behind aswell. she can't! hannah is alright, she can go to mum's and have a hot bath and hot meals, me and dad are gonna have empty cupboards and we already have no hot water and loads of debts, all hers.
she has problems, i know, she is mentally ill. but why should i keep putting my emotions and my life on hold for her!

life

i can't get out of my head how jealous and angry i felt, i know she said it proves that i love her. Jealous and angry, not exactly nice is it though. it means i am bad person. i haven't spoken to her in four days, i heard her voice for the first time in about 100 hours! (i think i can't count, saturday + sunday +monday + tuesday + 1/4 wednesday anyways)
when i heard her voice on the phone i was surprised how calm my voice sounded, i was so happy it was unbelievable. i was all tingly and i had a butterfly tummy. i wish i was with her right now.
am i brave person? am i a strong person? (emotional way) i see people round me and they are all so confident and strong. then theres me, i'm all over the place, i have been nearly all my life. one minute i'll be fine, then that evening i will cry myself to sleep. i don't get whats wrong with me.
parents splitting up is normal. i shouldn't feel so upset and angry at night. should i!
i just wish there was someone to protect me, someone to hold me and say everything is going to be ok and i will survive my past. i keep remembering it, i keep looking back. i wish i didn't but i can't help it.
no one can know what its like living with a mentally ill person, especially someone who had the choice to get better and didn't. someone who when you told them your problems and tried to help threw things at you or laughed in your face. i can't explain the feeling, i just would never wish it on anyone.
my friends will eventually get bored of me and leave, it has already started. i don't have any talents, i'm not exactly a great friend, i don't have anything no one else does. what will happen when everyone sees that. i know they will.

whats wrong with me

i can't believe i felt like that! i was so jealous.
last night my girl friend had her ex round (thats not the problem, me and my ex are best mates) but they slept in the same bed, because there was no where else, and come on, what could have happened, she (my gf) thought. i don't mind all that.
it was when i heard that when my girl friend was asleep her ex started touching her that i began to feel sick. she lifted her shirt when there was nothing my girlfriend could do, when i heard about it i felt so sick, i was gonna faint and had to go get some water and sit down.
i couldn't sleep all night, these images were going round and round in my head. but i know my girlfriend would never do anything to hurt me, when i told her she was as shocked as me. she felt really bad though for trusting her ex.
it isn't her fault at all. she just better never let me near that other girl, because i swear if i see her i will smash her against the wall and tell her exactly what i think of her.
i don't really know whats come over me. i never felt this angry and jealous and stuff. i can't believe that other girl would do that!
it makes me feel so i duno, i can't breathe whenever i think about it, i just wanna hold my girlfriend. i duno how she must be feeling, if it was me i would feel sick that someone had done that to me when i trusted them and when i was asleep!
i don't know if i should really be writing this down but i need to get it out of my system. i keep thinking why didn't she wake up? but when shes asleep thats it, shes asleep. i just wish she had woken up and like realised, but it wouldn't be a nice thing to wake up to i suppose.
i saw her in the middle of the day aswell. neither of us knew what had gone on it wasn't until the evening. so while i was holding her another girl had been touching her. it makes me feel i duno, weird.
but i know it isn't her fault, it's probably just me over reacting.

i don't understand

heya,
i am at school at the moment. i staying late coz i waiting for my girlfriend. i don't mind waiting though.
i can't believe my mum, i know she hates me and doesn't bother to talk to me but this is going too far i think. she has moved out of the house and told us she was moving in with steve for a bit. turns out she has a new house and they are already in it. hannahs been there, she's going to sleep round! i can't believe mum would do this, not tell me she had moved or tell dad. she has given us the car, but has taken dads name off so he can't drive it. so we can look at it everyday but can't go in it. how stupid and spiteful!
my dad is worried that me and my mum will never talk again unless we really have to. he doesn't understand what its like though. looking at my own mother and feeling nothing! i don't love her, i don't even hate her anymore. shes means absolutely nothing to me.
she made me go to councelling, have MPD for a year and try to kill myself. how am i going to forgive her? i know i should, people keep saying, but shes your mum!
she has attacked me and hannah, and minded children (shes a childminder)
at the weekend she called an old client and friend and was moaning down the phone to them. they got the impression she was had been kicked out and was buying somewhere on her own and hadn't the money. how wrong could they have been! dad rang them and told them the truth: she's run off, bought a house and attacked her child before!
they ended up giving her £1000 though! to help her start, but then they found out she wasn't alone. they didn't realise she was so horrible. they said they had never seen or heard that side of her.
me, hannah and dad have had to live with that side for 17 years. well 17 for dad, 15 for me and 13 for hannah.
hannah has bailed on dad today. tuesday is her day with mum, wednesday her day with dad (and mine) but i wasn't going today coz me and dad did friday and saturday. and it was hannah's birthday on monday so he was going to take her out. but then mum called and told hannah to come and look at the new house and stuff. so hannah said yes.
i don't think it is fair to blame hannah though because mum is buying her off, everytime they argue or hannah and me or dad argue, mum goes awww hannah, have this have that. so hannah is confusing love with money. i can understand she wants the new stuff and the new room, but mum is making hannah leave in an underhand way.
i want to protect hannah, me and her aren't the best of friends, but we are sisters and we always stand by eachother when we need to, even if we argue about small things other times.
my mum hasn't even told her family she has moved or anything, dad rang nanny and she hadn't known a thing. i don't want me and mum to end up like that but i have tried and tried in the past to help her, show her i love her and she never gave. she never lets anyone close to her, know her secrets, let them love her. i gave up trying the day she ran off and said i didn't matter.
all the benefits and stuff stll have her name on them, so she is now a fraud aswell. she won't sign anything in the house over to dad.
anything that says she is no longer here and is not entitled to the money, she won't sign.
i'm sick of living my life by her rules, sick of being in her shadow and keeping the secrets and not letting anyone know what she is truly like. her saying is 'put a face on, and face the world.' it means put loads of make up on and paint a stupid grin across your face so no one ever thinks your upset.
well i can't do that! i have to feel sometimes, to breathe, to scream, to cry, to love.
my mum is addicted to anti- depressants, she has been for 6 years, she is meant to try and get off them but she never went back to the doctor. easier to hide the pain than deal with it. well now she can't because she has let it build up and build up until she can't even stop taking tablets. that is the reason she attacked us, because she tried a year ago, but she said she couldn't do it and pulled hannah's hair out by the roots and smashed stuff up. i had to call dad home from work because hannah and me were locked in our room. why couldn't she try? why did she hide? hiding only made matters worse. i promised myself that day that i would always tell people how i was feeling and i would never ever take tablets.
you can't choose which emotions you lose with tablets, you either keep them all, or lose them all. mum chose to lose them all.

i want it back

where did it all go wrong? when did it all start!
i want my family the way they were in the photographs, i want my friends back, i want my hair back, i want when i used to look nice back, i want the easiness back. but that isn't going to happen!
it's all going, one by one, everything, it's all being taken away from me! what did i do to deserve this??? the hatred, the agony, what did i fucking do???
i hurt everyday and i cry myself to sleep! i am such a good friend, i always am there for them, make them laugh. do whatever i need to do!
i'm not perfect i know that. i just wish i could have some luck. thats all. i had it all going so well. then it was ripped apart.
i still have mates and som, thats good. but sometimes i think, what if i had that day? what if i had said, yes actually i'll jump. what would it have been like then? would i still be here? would the people that cared about me remember me? did i do enough with my friends and family?

feel weird

today has been so strange. i have felt weird all day. like everything around me is fake, it's waiting for me to let myself love and feel then it's going to tear itself away and hurt me. it's not the people, i know it's not, i know they love me. but i just feel as if everything is slipping away. i am desperately hanging on.
my mum moved out today. she has been ignoring me for weeks, being horrible to my sister and ignoring everyones feelings except her own. she said to dad that as long as she hurt him if me and hannah (my sister) get hurt it doesn't matter. she doesn't care.
she said that if it was a choice between her new life and us lot she would choose her new life. i don't love her at all. i feel so bad and hatred of myself inside because i know i should love her.
there is nothing though. why should there be? she put me into councelling!
i just feel so insecure, everything around me has changed in the space of a month. my life, my family, my friends, my love.
the thing i am so glad about is my girl friend though, she is irreplaceable and i will never leave her. she is what holds me together and has taught me to love and trust again.

i don't believe this

i can't believe this.
she makes me hate her. my mum never talks to anyone about anything, she never lets anyone close. whenever you talk to her you can see she doesn't care and hates life. she is unhappy i know but she doesn't seem to want to make herself better.
she ran away, she had an affair and now she is moving out. i tried to love her and wanted her to love me back but she wouldn't, she won't let me so i got bored of trying. i let our relationship go. i didn't see the point.
now she is moving out she suddenly wants me and her to have the perfect relationship, becuase she has gone so now is starting everything new. well i don't want to be mean but i don't love her, i can't, i got hurt too many times to let myself go through it again.
i can't let her again. i won't, she can go and move away with her new boyfriend and buy new things and live a wonderful social live, but i don't want to be a part of it.

in a moment

haven't written in a while, i have had so much in my mind that i couldn't find the time to sit down and write it all. i was so mixed up. at school i ave been bullied to break down point. all the emails, they were like they realli hated me.
but once i showed one one the emails she said i am so sorry i had no idea she was doing that and i sided with her! can we be mates again? i said yes becuase i was glad that someone was seeing what i was, the real person. once they saw that they saw that it was unfair and liked me again.
it was my birthday and it should have been happy, it was ok while i was in form, cause i had everyone around me. well, almost.
saturday though, was the best day in ages. i was round my girl friends and everything was so perfect. i can't believe she can lift me though! i am like a dead weight. but that picture in the mirror i suddenly saw the real meaning of love in that moment i thought. i know i loved her and wanted to spend forever with her but in that moment i saw us two together, in years to come. in a house/ flat whatever togther, painting the walls, throwing pillows at eachother, falling asleep in eachothers arms. i saw it all. (maybe i just have a good imagination)
i love her so much, so so much.

so sick

i have had such a shit month. i am scared of going to school because of the grief i get! i don't see why they have to be horrible, it is so stupid. i come home and cry everyday.
i am near breaking point. i can't handle all this anymore. at school i get insults and everything. i come home to tension and arguements. the only place i can go is my girl friend's house.
being with her there is like being in a dream, i actually laugh! properly laugh. it is so easy when i am there. everything seems perfect. no arguments or hate or anything.
i am so glad i have her. without her i probably wouldn't be writing right now, i'd be in a ditch somewhere or something.

i'm so so sorry

there is something wrong with me. i don't know why really but i can't let people love me, most days i am fine. some days i just can't see why they would like me and they must just be saying words and not meaning them, so when i am like that i say stupid things i don't mean, i upset people that i really care about. it is just my past relationships aren't much to go on, my family's relationships are something that is beyond help. some people want to see their parents all the time, but it is overrated. it isn't all that great i think. my mum is always looking for faults, i haven't got enough make up on, my hair looks horrible. so i am not used to people saying i'm beautiful so when they do say it, the words don't seem to get into my head.
thats why when my girlfriend asked me what present did i want i couldn't think of anything. i don't want something material, material things get broken or lost. the best present i could possibly ask for is just for love. i know she thinks that she gives it everyday, she does, but it means the absolute world to me.
i don't have a close relationship with many people, so when i see her and i realise how much we love eachother i just feel amazing. i don't know how to explain it. but a hug from her is just so amazing.
i just wish i didn't say stupid things, it isn't other people, it's me with the problem. they should just ignore me and not take it seriously because it's not true, what i say. i just get so angry that i can't explain how i feel so much of the time.

i don't understand

i don't understand, seriously, for a month one of my mates has been a bit off with me, like talking behind my back and stuff. today i found out that 3 of my close friend aren't as close as i thought. they said that it is because i have changed.
but i don't know how i have changed. they say i get annoying because i talk about my gf, but if it only that why did they wait a month just to tell me that.
i didn't realise i did. i just love her so talk about yeah, i'm allowed. but then one of them just started going out wit someone new and they are always sittin together and hugging and she talks about him, so why can't i?
it isn't because of any other reason but of me being gay, thats the only reason they have. why is it different, thats what i want to know!
i don't know maybe if i just be more quiet and stuff then it will all blow over, coz there is tension at the minute and one of the girls has stopped hanging out wit the group at lunchtimes because i annoy them. if she had just said it wouldn't have got to this. maybe i just make a big deal out of it, but i am just shocked i suppose, to find out just suddenly, that 3 of them don't realli like me.

fantastic

today is fantastic. i duno, just wow.
i said i wouldn't let anyone take my shirt off but then she's just too special. i just trust her so much, i know i am being careful and she isn't forcing me so it's ok. if she blindfolded me and said jump i would jump. thats how much i trust her.
i don't know, i'm scared though that when we kiss, she just seems so perfect and i am so scared i am going to embarass myself or screw it all up, i don't have loads of experience in relationships and i love her so much i want to make sure she realises it and i don't mess everything up.

hiya

i am not having the most brillant day. i been realli missin her all day long. on thursday me and her was together properly and everything. it was so great, amazing. but today i like int seen her at all. it hurttttttttttttt. my tummy feels stupid coz i miss her so much.
i just wanna be wit her all the time, her smell and warmth is just like all i need. i duno, i was in my room and where she had been i cud still smell her smell, fantastic smell, and i just wish she was still there. but obviously i know i can't have that. i was laying down last night thinking about her.
this afternoon at lunchtime, i just wanted to be with her, not talk and everything, just know she was there coz i was having a down day. i wanted to miss ICT because i was so tired and upset, i know i shouldn't have and i didn't in the end. that's good. i think. i just do badly wanted to be with her.

wow

that was fucking WOW

just fuck off

everyone time i look at my mum i thousand emotions run through me. i want to love her but i can't, she has hurt me too much. last year she told me, promised me she wouldn't leave, promised me she would change but she drove all the way to fucking Scotland and took all the money from the bank. she wouldn't talk to me. i texted and phoned but nothing she turned her fucking phone off.
she went to her friends house, it was massive and had everything. she's really rich. i asked mum if she could everything she wanted or me would she leave? she should have no but she didn't, she changed the subject. i know she doesn't love me. she buys me things but that's not love. if she could have the new massive house and the money she would leave i know it.
no one can understand how that feels to see my own mum and know she doesn't love me and i don't love her. i hate being in this house it hurts so much. i want to scream and smash everything because it is always so quiet. everyone is talking but no one is actually saying anything useful, it is all a mask and a cover.
i want to move away, runaway. i tried but somehow i always get dragged back, i can never quite make it.

fucks sake

sometimes i feel so stupid. i think too much, thats my problem, if something goes wrong or i make a mistake i can't just think oh well it happens, i dwell on it all day until i feel sick in the tummy. i wish i was smarter. i am clever at school but in the actual world i am stupid. it is so annoying. i don't know anything about what size tips to leave, i can't even ask the fucking hairdresser for a different style of hair in case they don't know what i want and it comes out wrong.
when i am with my mates i am fine, i can take control sometimes, i've got back up. but when i am by myself i just don't work. it's annoying. i blame my mum sometimes, when i was a kid she was scared off everything, when the phone rang she wouldn't answer it and she always had the curtains shut so no one knocked on our door. she was terrified of everything, she isn't as bad now but it got stuck on me. she passed all her stupid fears and phobias onto me!
i am scared of talking to people i don't know. like this work experience thing, i will probably be sick the night before as i will be so nervous. i have to fight with all the fear she gave me everyday of my fucking life. it gets so boring and annoying. most days i wanna sit in my room and be alone, because then life doesn't get in the way. i can do whatever the hell i want when i want and no one will laugh i won't make mistakes and everything will be ok.
i sometimes wish my mum would leave, i know that sounds mean but she has so fucked my life up in so many ways that sometimes i think i would be better off without her. she passed all her problems onto me and she watches me everyday deal with them and won't help. she won't admit that it's her fault. i can't wait til i leave home and she isn't ruling my life anymore.

life

i am gonna see the kooks on sunday night but they have now been postponed! thats annoying. at least i get to see them. it is gonna be wicked.
normally i dress just with jeans and shirts and not much make up but me and my mate bex are going to school on monday as emo's! it is gonna be so fun. i am going up the city on sunday to buy some make up and accessories for it. lol. gonna be hilarious. i am having my hair cut anyway all short and choppy like i normally do but i might hair wax it spiky or something.
tasha is probably gonna be all weird with me when she sees it but i don't care much anymore, she has been bitching about me then pretending to be my friend. i don't have time for people like that. i got my life and if i wanna have happy days thats what i gonna have.
omg, in may i have got my work experience and i want to work in a school or architect building, because they are the two jobs i would like to do. but i get nervous really easily! i find it really hard to talk to people that i don't know. especially as they will be a lot older than me! but i am still gonna do it because it would be silly not to, wouldn't it. if i get scared, i'll just ignore it.

im so terribleeeeeeeeeee

yesterday i found out my sister is kinda unhappy but i didn't know becasue i always make time for my friends and myself but me and my sister have never been close. i kinda thought that was just how it was gonna be. but yesterday we were making a joint bebo, msn and we were having loads of fun together. i never actually listen to her but we were talking and she is actually more fun than i thought.
what really got me was when she ' i hope you stay in love forever' i sed 'why' she sed u r loads of fun and you listen to me and be a sister!
omg i thought i was gonna break down in tears, seriously! i really never thought we liked eachother that much but we actually have a lot in common and stuff. god i must sound sooooooo horrible. well, i spose it's true realli. omggggggggggggggggggggg. i am so gonna keep being a sister better now.

gorgeous

omg, i am so happy. she is sooooo gorgeous, i still can't believe sometimes how lucky i am. i just wanna hug and kiss her forever. i can't i know. i thought i would be really nervous about kissing but it shows how special she is, i not at all! i just wish we had more time together.
i just like close my eyes when we kiss though and i really worried that i look stupid, but i close my eyes because i want to be able to think about the kiss not anything else.

first

lol, today has been really good. at lunchtime me and som and bex were all playing badminton. then when we were changed and bex had gone me and som had our first kiss!
it doesn't sound half as good when i say it but it was really cool. like i dunno, just like perfect! i thought i would be all nervous when it happened but i wasn't. shows how special she is i spose! i have had a butterfly feeling in my tummy all afternoon. i will just grin really big when i remember. i must look really dazed :S. lol, it was great though. but then these two girls walk in room so had to let go and leave. :(
hee hee i smiling now.