i love you sooo much

i really want to go and sit in the rain. that is what i truly deserve right now. when i had my girlfriend round she was gonna do something special on the way home when we walk, but i didn't know until now, but i wanted to go in car. so we went in car and as we in car i couldn't even hug her when she at home. then i know from her cousin that she really upset about it.
how can i be so naive? i don't deserve love. i am so stupid. i really love her. truly. she is what i got up for in the mornings, it so much fun with her. i really love her. i can't think why the hell she would want me though?!
i always screw up.

better now

i have just been for a bike ride, i feel a lot better to get out of the house.
much more refreshed. i had a bad morning but am great now. so is all okies! i sometimes can't believe that i can get so down then have such happy moments for ages. prefer happier though lol.

this finishes now!

this morning i couldn't believe how i could just break the promise i made myself so easily! i had a badge and was about to scratch the words 'fat' into my stomach when i though my mum would find out and kill me. i've got scars on my arms i'm not gonna let myself have them on my stomach aswell!
i will stop. i will make it stop.

diets just don't work!

i am so angry with myself. i promised myself before the holidays began that it wouldn't be the same as all the others, normally i just do nothing and eat all the time, because there is no structure to my day and i don't really do any hobbies during the holidays.
i lost loads of weight in the last couple of weeks of the school term and managed to get down to 8 stone. but i didn't try, i told myself that it was only a biscuit, only a bag of crisps but then i just stopped doing anything and all the weight i lost was put all back on.
that is all i seem to do, diet then binge then start all over again. i am getting so tired of it all. i wish i could just stick to a healthy lifestyle!

all by myself

i am feeling realli alone. the person who could make me feel better is in london though, and i'm not gonna train down there because,
1. i don't know where they are
2. i'm not allowed
3. i think they are there for a reason so i can't.
it so rubbish i not gonna see them until the beginning of school in two weeks!
sometimes i wish there was someone to hold me, they wouldn't ask questions, they wouldn't give me their advice, they wouldn't think about it, just hold me until i felt safe. i don't think that's going to happen though.

my dad is annoying me now

My dad is getting over the limit. Correction, IS over the limit. Everytime he comes into a room he has to poke, prod or make fun of someone then laugh at his own joke, if he wants to stay friends with me, that's not really the way to go about it.
i am 14, and i don't think he realises that. he can't just chill, then after he has annoyed the hell out of me and my sister and mum he'll go all off in a strop and sulk and shout at us all because we snap at him!
it is just ridiculous. why does he bother, you shouldn't have to try in a relationship, it should be natural but he is squashing all the fun and everything out of the relatonships he has with his family.
whenever he gets in from work i don't think hi dad, nice day or something i think god, brace yourselves. he will mess up or jog you when your writing and then laugh and pull a stupid face. he isn't stupid, he is actually really clever and he isn't a loser, i'm not just defending him, he's always out with his mates and stuff, he just can't be as he is with his family as he is with mates.

death speeches

every night i make death speeches, just before i go to bed. i make speeches to friends, to family, i don't write them down obviously, but they are there in my head. if i get hit by a car what are my last words? i don't know why i do it but i can't help myself. i lay there and say all the things i wish i could in life, in the last moment of life i can say it all. but what do i say to people when i am alive. sometimes i wish i was almost dead so i could say all i want and tell the truth. like i am told i am going to die in a week, what do i do and say. i would rather that happen than me go on like this.
if i were told tomorrow that i had a week to live i would cherish it and tell evryone i knew all that i can't say now. i would cry because the tears i have held in for years would finally flow. i would be happy. i wish that that would happen. i will wake up and realise it is nearly over.
i see the knives in the kitchen and think i used to cut myself with those. yet i can still look at them and use them and not think at the time of self harm. i must be stronger than i thought sometimes yet i still don't see why i did stop, it wasn't my choice. i hate that i can't live and forget all it takes it something i see or hear to bring all the past up again. i hate that feeling. sometimes i think about it and think that the ache and the feeling will eventually turn into only the past and i won't see them around the corner anymore.

lonely on holiday

i just am kinda bored. holidays are great but most of my friends don't live near and there isn't much to do. i sometimes wish there was more to do, i want to go to the beach with everyone, train down, but if this rain holds up that's gonna be impossible. i love the sea in the rain and sun but not many other people agree.
it doesn't help that i am feeling so lonely. i am in a housefull of people and children, mum is a childminder, yet i am lonely. sometimes when i have the house to myself it feels more comfortable. i wish that someone i love would hold me. like i could just sit there and feel comfortable and not like any judgements are near or anything.
my mum and me are always together in the house but we are never together. she is so difficult to understand, she never talks about problems and judgment is massive in her life. she had problems and she passed them onto me. i had councelling for it. i don't blame her, it isn't her fault. i sometimes feel as if we don't have a relationship. i don't want to move away or be pushed away and never have a reason to return to see her. i am terrified that we will drift apart so much and never talk and share that the only similarity we have is a name and a house. i don't want that to happen.
the room me and my sister share has this mattress in it that we need to get rid of, she blames me for it being there when it is a joint responsibility. she actually threw it at me when i was in bed because i had taken it out from under my bed in order to deal with it. i tidied up her mess for years, mum used to say to us that both of us would miss out on treats if the room wasn't tidy and hannah would always not tidy it. i would do it. hannah's mess isn't normal mess, i actually have to catapult myself towards my bed at the far side of the room to get over it. i can't get to the window and door without a major effort on my part. i can't sleep in that environment.

am i asking too much by saying can she keep her dirty clothes in a washbin and her stuff in the boxes under her bed.

it is my fault, if i hadn't tidied it and just made her do it and hadn't given up then she would maybe be used to doing it now. mum used to say to me, just tidy it, you are good at it. that way we can avoid arguments.
now for the past 3 years every time i tidy my 12 year old sister's mess up i make a vow to myself that this is the last time. then when it overwhelms me and i become a prisoner in my own room i give in, this cycle tears me up inside and the whole time i am tidying the mess and slowly breaking all my vows to myself i cry the whole time. i am not just breaking a promise, i am breaking a promise to myself, the worst part is that it is probably my fault.
it sounds stupid doesn't it that all this is over a room. it sounds it, but if you ever lived like it you would feel the same. i am reduced to hurting myself in order to shut up my mum and sister screaming at eachother. hannah never says thank you, and she told me the other day when i left my notepad on the floor beside my bed that i was filthy and untidy.
i can feel it inside myself now, i can not go into my own room because i feel ill and uncomfortable. i must sound like such an idiot.

omg fate (or woteva)

this person has fancied me since year 8, i didn't realise this, but what they didn't realise is that so had i them. it all spilled out the other day.
their parents found out and hate it, my parents know and are cool. the person is really upset though, i feel terrible for them, but we have sworn to stay together.
this relationship could cause problems in my friendships, some are fine with it some aren't, i don't know how they will react when they know. i don't want to cause problems, hopefully they will be the same as before and everything will be normal still. i don't want to lose any friends.

my friends and the perfect song.

It's the Stuff that Dreams are Made of. Carly Simon.
For my friends >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's the slow and steady fire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's your heart and soul's desire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of

What if the Prince on the horse in your fairytale
Is right here in disguise
And what if the stars you've been reaching so high for
Are shining in his eyes

Don't look at yourself in the same old way
Take another picture
Shoot the stars off in your own backyard
Don't look any furtherAnd you will see

It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's the slow and steady fire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's your heart and soul's desire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of..

summer holidays

i am on my holidays now, well, it wednesday. so i been on holidays for quite a while now, lol. i have been reading my diary, i know boring but i like to see how far i have come. i can't believe how different i am in personality in just 4 months.
4 months ago was when i went through my bad depression stage, the not eating, the self harm, the tears that would never fall. i am so happy and glad to have such AMAZING friends, without i sometimes wonder whether i would still be here. that sounds melodramatic but it true.
i think when you come so close to utter depression and collapsing then you realise you never want it again. i have been taking life by the hand and giving everything i have. i still have problems with adjusting to my family, but at school i actually want to be there. i want to have challenges and see friends and have the fun.
at home my parents are always arguing, i think they don't realise what it does to the atmosphere; i remember clearly every fight they ever had. i can remember holding my little sister as she shivered with fright in my arms, wishing that both parents would come out alright from behind the door. on those nights i had to grow up, i wasn't allowed to be scared, i waasn't allowed to cry because i was responsible for my sister. it isn't her fault, i know that. it isn't my parents either. i just wish i could erase the guilt, regret and resentment welling up everytime i see them in a new argument. i just want to scream, don't you love me? don't you understand what you are doing to me?
i never cry, the tears are too well buried, i don't want them to rise for how will i stop them? every night i lay asleep and star at the ceiling, making death speeches. speeches to my friends, to my parents. speeches saying everything. sometimes i am close to death because of something i have done to myself, sometimes it is an accident. i hate them, why do i make speeches all the time like this? i won't need them. i have millions, they are my way of release, i can imagine my parents listening as they don't in reality. they listen from behind their bars in my dreams. they listen and they actually hear. everyone is quiet and they all listen, they all hear. they don't say anything, they don't give their opinions, i don't want them. but they hear me, and my parents say sorry, my friends say goodbye, they understand. they all hear me.
in reality my friends listen but i know they don't understand, they listen but they don't hear. the person in my head, the self harm, the not eating. i was fucked up, i will not deny that, i was. seriously messed up. i changed, i didn't want the lifestyle anymore. it wasn't helping me, it wasn't making me happy. it was ruining my relationships. it wasn't right. my mate, who went through the same sort of things, helped, just by helping them it helped me, i had a purpose, that was all i needed. i don't know if i helped them, i hope so.

:( :) :( :)

i have had such an exhausting day! i have been a bit tired all week but today i was at the point of collapsing, i was playing catch at school with som and i actually had to concentrate.
i was so knackered! i have felt as if i have nothing left to give, i'm dry, done with it all, i've nothing left in me to carry on, but i do.
the thought of my friends keeps me going, everyone morning my body has told me to stay, to go to sleep, it can't do it but everyday i drag myself up and get ready then pull myself onto my bike and haul myself half an hour to school, where i concentrate all day and pull out all my energy stops at school. i am always the first one up at lunch and first with the ball.
thats what we have become obssessed with at school recently, one of us found a tennis ball weeks ago, since we have been playing catch in the classrooms, on the field, everywhere. it is like breathing now almost lol. it sounds boring but it surprising how much fun it can be, how much fun one tennis ball can be.

pleasure wood hills

at school we went to pleasure wood hills, i have never ever been on any rides before or woteva. i went on wizzy dizzy first, i decided i wasn't going to be one of these people that doesn't like rides, i LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT TODAY.LOL.
on the way home it was funny, i fell asleep against the window and som fell asleep on my shoulder, but tasha took a picture and woke us both up. som just turned around and she was all curled up on her seat with her feet leant against the seat in front, she looked so sweet.
i took a picture on tasha's phone, i was holding it at the time so thought i might as well. but som woke up just as it saved so i had to throw it back at tasha, som was a little stressed with me then but i cheered her up, lol. we couldn't be stressed for ages.

introduction to ma mates

i'll introduce you to some of my best gal mates:
Bex; i would probably have died without her, she is amazing and completely underestimated and taken for granted. She is loads of fun.
Tasha; she is like never embarassed and takes risks and is loads of fun, we always have loads of laughs.
Som; she is fantastic, so much fun and we always mess around, she always wins as she is so much stronger but i always look forward to seing to her. she makes me laugh everyday until my sides split lol!
Judith; she is really sporty and always makes the people around her want to join in. she is always happy and fun, amazing.
Kayleigh; she is fun and bubbly and is always up for a laugh.

in the picture is, in order of left to right; som, judith, kayleigh, tasha, india, bex. i am not in it because i was taking the picture.

best day in ages

i have had the most awesome day ever. at school today we had a sports day, i only did the triple jump and the sports mile but the whole school was allowed to just be on the field all day.
me, som, judith, tasha and bex were just messing around all day. me and som kept beating each other up, but in a good fun way.
it was one of my happiest days all year, literally. nothing happened but it was absolutely the best, so much fun, indescribable, absolute.

isn't it funny

Isnt it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a a mini with a tshirt that barely cover anything?
Isnt it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?
Isnt it funny that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone
Isnt it funny an emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?
Isnt it funny that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?
Its so funny that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.
Isnt it funny that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.
How can you call a girl a poser, how can you say "you're emo" or "attention seeker" without spending a second trying to figure out why there are cuts on her wrists and why she spends her lunchtimes crying instead of laughing with her friends
Isnt it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life
without knowing her situation with her friends or her family or her Life
Brave isnt going up on stage and stripping
Brave is not saying a speech
Or dumping your boyfriend
Brave is
Going to school on mufti day and not for a second caring what the whores around you are saying about your clothes
Its listening to your own music and being proud of it
Its going through every day with the things people say to your face and behind your back and you still keep quiet
Its knowing what your "friends" are saying about you and still calling them your friends
Brave is knowing that tomorrow isnt a bright and happy future
Its another day of bitching and dodging rumours

nothing left in my life

i feel deflated. like everything around me is too unstable, nothing i can rely on. like evrything i had is slowly falling away.
I went through a rough patch, self harm, not eating, not sleeping and i am scared it will happen again because i can feel the same thing beginning.
i hate it, it scares me to death but i become obssessed. it's like being bullied, but i am the one hurting myself.

it only hurts when i'm breathing.

i feel like screaming, like, screaming until my lungs are broken and my throat is raw, my heart and head might stop screaming at me then. i play music full blast into my head so i can't hear what's already in there.

my mum and dad argue, snidy remarks, they don't shout, just whisper to eachother. as if me and hannah can't hear, i lay there at night, wishing it would stop. they used to fight, hit eachother, mum hit, dad hit. i used to think that it was dad's fault, but my mum is just as bad. they don't need to scream at me but i scream at myself enough as it is.

at school i smile and laugh, sometimes i truly forget but most of the time i feel fake. i feel pointless. i blame myself for their arguing. if i get better results at school they would be happier. i got two 7s in my SATs and when i told them, they said well done and virtually ignored me.
they are so wrapped up in their own arguments and pain to i am only human.

i may be younger than them, but i still feel as much pain as they do. i thought if i did extra work they would be happier and not ignore me, it didn't work. i started going to after school clubs so as to stay away from home.

my parents never get hurt badly when they fight, it isn't serious or anything. it's the emotional pain that hurts, not the physical.

i used to self- harm because it took the emotional pain to physical pain instead, but mum laughed at me and said i was attention seeking.
i go to friend's houses and think that their lives must be so much better than mine. i probably am attention seeking.

i have been to councelling but i stopped, not because i was better but because to bring happiness you need to get rid of pain, and i couldn't do it.

i love my parents, i do. i love them, but i sometimes think do they love me? i get good grades and they are proud, but do they really love me. they would save me, but is it because they truly love me unconditionally.

if they had the choice between perfect lifestyle and me would they stay or leave me? i haven't told anyone this because they won't believe me.

i want to cry, really badly, but the tears won't fall. they are too well held back, now they won't fall. i have prevented them from erupting so long now that if they do fall will i ever stop?

i want to scream, sing, dance, cry, sob. most of all i want to love. love someone who loves me. who shows it and who loves me through my faults, someone who i can be with and they won't question me, just listen. i don't want their opinion, just their support. i don't even need them to agree, just to be there if they do or don't. i want to be alone for a day, week, month, year. how ever long it takes for me to feel i can face the world without the constant fear of being knocked down. i smile and laugh, so why can't i cry? is there something wrong with me?

omg, here i go again

i am so annoyed, i am doing loads of exercise and eating relatively good but i can't lose the fat arounf my legs. people at school say it isn't noticeably and when i told som i am heavier than her she didn't believe me, i suppose it makes me feel quite good. but what they don't get is that it isn't how other people see me as much but how i feel in my self.
i must be a really annoying person, always being so diffficult, i think i am really annoying and i try to hide anger and sadness because my friends don't need that do they!

love, life, leave me alone.

having a bad day. it was alright most of the day until i got a belly ache and it was still 1 1/2 hours to go home.
i will tell you the back ground, jack is my mate som's cousin, he starting speaking to me a while ago. he live in london. the first time he saw me was when ben had turned webcam on and i didn't realise and was dancing in my room, not bad dancing or woteva, just body ripples and that. well, jack was round som's so saw me.
he said he liked me and som kept teasing me. i din't think much of it. i talked to jack loads, he said he fancied me but i thought he was joking. but som kept saying he wasn't. i convinced myself i didn't fancy him even though all my friends said it was obvious i did. so eventually i let myself like him.
he was going to move to norwich in august but his mum has decided to send him to boarding school, who actually goes there these days. so we won't ever be able to go out because i won't ever see him. or speak that much because he can't go on msn all the time anymore.
it completely sucks. am i not worth it? thats it isn't it! i don't deserve being liked. i don't deserve it, do i? this is why i don't let myself love easily in the first place, it just hurts.