i am not strong enough

the thing about dad when he gets drunk is that he can't judge time. he kept talking about mum and i really didn't want to talk about it just then. i was having a night away from some of the sit back home.
he wants me to talk to mum, he wants me ask her, 'why don't you fight for me?'
she never let me get close, i tired so many times, i hugged her and desperately wanted to be hugged back, i asked her questions about her life and i told her all about mine. but she laughed and turned away.
told me her illness was her fault, she regreted me.
does she really? does she regret having me, or does she regret not being able to love me? are they the same?
i don't want to go to her and bear my heart one more time, to open up completely because i know she won't fight for me, she won't stand by me. i don't want to hurt myself one more time because she won't be a part of my life. i am not strong enough yet to hear the words that i dread hearing.
for years me, dad and hannah had no choice but give in to her, 'im ill i can't go out, we can't go on holiday there its too far, i can't help you, i am too ill.' she lived with us we had no choice.
i have a choice now, i don't have to accept her answers anymore. everytime i used to ask she used to laugh and turn away.
i will not have that any longer, every time she turns away from me my heart rips a little more, i can feel it bleed inside my chest.
do i know what the answer is? am i scared of what i might hear?
i can go on hating her because it is easy, it is easy to hate someone for their faults, but harder to love them. i know she can never show me she loves me.
i also know she loves me somewhere deep down. i have no time for her breaking my heart repeatedly.
dad thinks that if i never get the answer i can't move on with my life and my entire life will be poisoned by her.
i will write her an email and if she doesn't reply then this is the last chance, i will not carry on fighting for someone like that.
you don't choose family, if she wasn't related i would have given up ages ago. but as she is my mother i have to try. i have to be the bigger person.
i hate being the bigger person, a few days before she left she was upstairs lying on the bed and i went up there, i didn't want to but dad said i had to try.
i went upstairs and i told her everything i could, i said the reason we were staying with dad wasn't because we didn't love her. we weren't leaving her.
she lay there smirking and saying sarcastic comments. she didn't really care about me, standing in front of her crying because my mum didn't want to talk to me, she was sorry for herself. she was pitying herself because she wanted us to let her do whatever she wanted, no emotion/ strings attached.
i cried myself to sleep, thinking that eventually, whatever dad says about her maybe finally opening up, i am going to get my heart broken the day i talk to her. because she won't talk to me, and she won't fight for me, and it will be the last time i ever speak to my mum.