i'm losing

i haven't written anything down in a while, i keep talking to people so there is no need. but i can see now that i made a mistake. people don't really want to hear it. it hurts and its bad so why would they? why would anyone want to focus on that?!
i can remember what it was like when i was small. mum wasn't always like this. she used to be fun most of the time.
as always the bad memories stick though, i can remember when i was 2 or 3, and hannah was newly born and she was upstairs asleep. it was a rare moment that i spent with mum alone now. we were concentrating on my education. she was tired and i so desperately wanted to impress her, but she was in one of her moods. she was teaching me to write my name, one letter at a time. for some reason i simply couldn't get the 'e' right. i kept writing it backwards.
however hard i tried i couldn't do it, i don't know why. i could feel mum getting more and frustrated beside me and losing patience. she snatched the pencil from my fingers and wrote it for the tenth time, before throwing the pencil down.
i tried to do it right, i held the pencil tightly and concentrated hard but my mind was all over the place and i was in such a panic. i got it wrong again, i could feel beside me the anger.
she threw the pencil away against the wall and started shouting. i didn't know what to do and held on the side of my chair, almost wetting myself with panic and fright.
finally i suppose she just lost it, she smacked me across the side of my head with the flat of her hand, i wasn't ready for it and went flying off the chair and was sprawled across the floor.
she didn't hit me often, if at all realli. i think that was just a rare occurance.
it was a little before this she has been subscribed to seroxat.