how much more!?

i was being selfish on saturday night, again, som was ill but she still came round mine. i should have said no, don't come round. but i was really missing her, i was feeling so cold and empty. i feel so scared, as if the more time i spend without her the more i will never see her again. because it feels like lately i keep losing things, everything is falling away.
so when it was time for her to go i was holding her shirt so tight i have marks from my fingernails in my palms.
but we eventually got half way to hers, i just felt so small and lost, i had been crying all the way. with evey pedal i took and the closer my bike took me to her house fresh tears threatened to fall. i just braked in the middle of the road, i just sat there, completely still, tears making my face shine in the dim light and my fingers slowly getting colder.
she must have known what i was thinking, just like a year ago, on that busy main road. she dragged both our bikes onto the path and pulled me along too and then i was just standing there with her refusing to let go of my coat and then she just held on really tight and i just felt so lost.
when she said, 'i love you'
i couldn't even trust my throat to talk it took me ages to say it back, not because i didn't love her, she will never understand how much i love her. i am not good with words, so i am bad at showing it but i feel it so much that sometimes i feel so full of love i could burst.
i kept just crying and crying in her arms and when i got home, i am so lucky and i am so scared everyday that it isn't true and i will wake up from this wonderful dream.