i'm sorry

i couldn't help it. or maybe i don't have the energy?
as i took the broken glass and dragged it across my already scarred skin i felt better, seeing the bright red run out of my body made me feel better.
i normally only do little lines, i can hide those.
but seeing the first line if red, i wanted more, i needed more. dragging it over again and again i felt some of the pain and helplessness flood out of me. i was in control. i knew just what to do.
pain is what keeps me going. as i bleed i know i am alive.
then i remember som, guilt washed over me. how am i going to hide them from her? all the lines across my forearm? i can wear long sleeved shirts, dad and hannah won't know. but som will know. she will see the bandages.
what is my excuse? i don't have one. i am selfish, hurting myself is more important, even though it hurts her. is that it? i wish it wasn't but i suppose thats what i am. selfish.