som said something to me today. she said she tells me less when she is angry because i always say it is my fault and she is angry with me. she says it isn't me.
she laughed about it and said it doesn't matter though, but i get the feeling she was hinting, it was a bitter laugh.
like she wants to talk to me but she can't, and i know this sounds like i am blaming myself again, but this time it is me. i know i blame myself for a lot of things.
like my mum's illness, if i hadn't been born, if i hadn't shouted as a kid, i am excellent at making up reasons. but that is all they are, made up.
[except the reason i thought that was in the first place was because my mum blamed me, she said i wrecked her life, so i believed her until som and dad made me believe i am better person than that.]
i know deep down it isn't my fault, but i feel i deserve the blame.
i want her [som] to be able to talk to me and me not turn it selfishly into something that makes me feel bad, so i am going to stop blaming myself for everything and feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.
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