short catch up [very very short catch up]

I last published on here ten months ago. i thought it was longer. I keep meaning to write something but the last ten months has been so full of just the same everyday shit. Nothing more than the normal.
The biggest things that have happened are moving from my old home. It didn't have hot water, heating or anything decent really. I hated it. Me and dad couldn't keep it going. He doesn't have a job, hasn't since january. but it wasn't his fault. i just wish he would put the bitterness behind him and get on with life. shit happens.
his old boss was a complete bitch, she illegally got funding and just fired people for the fun of it. he got laid off because his course was finished though. he hasn't got another one because she won't give him a reference. for no reason.
so we moved into our own little luxery flat. its always warm [in a nice way] we have all new furniture, showers, a kitchen with everything we could want. it is so much nicer being out in the countryside. my dog loves it.
anyways, it wasn't all easy. the forms came months and months late so we were just waiting to see which letter would come first, the repossession letter or the move letter. luckily it was the move letter. but only by a week. just.
so since the 23rd may i have been here. but we only just for the internet back.
mum was a bitch about the move, dad was going to 60% and her 40% and it was agreed but on the day the money was going to be transferred she was only going to sign if it was 50/50. but me and dad had had enough, we had nothing to lose because they would take it all anyway. so we didn't back down so she had to. we finally won something. i howled and howled when i heard that she wanted money even if it meant i would be homeless. she claims 50/50 was fair, even after all of her behaviors. yeah right! in a court she would have been given less than that!
anyway, now we have some money and a new start i have been flourishing, i can wear pretty clothes again and make up again and have nice shampoo, not the 53p stuff. that all sounds very vain but its being able to walk out the door without being embarrassed. i have started to write again.
i am waiting for my GCSE results now. they should come in august. i am worried but i know i did everything i could and more. at the end of the day i will be proud of myself. the move and the arguments and the repossession threats were all going on during those exam weeks and i still pushed myself to the limit more than once. what else can you do.
i was going to work my arse off this holiday but then i decided that i have been looking after everyone else and working my bollocks off all my kid life, so whilst i am still part kid [16 is not a kid i know but i need to catch up on a lot of missed fun] i am going to take this summer to do that. wear nice clothes and dance to my music and sing as loud as i can and finally smile at myself when i look in the mirror.
i am going on three holidays. the first is latitude music festival, this weekend, the second is Dublin, Ireland, where i am going to see muse backed by kasabian. the third is with my mum, sister and Steve in york. i wasn't going to go to york but then i thought of Hannah having to put up with mum and Steve on her own.
the only problems i have had recently are the normal. my dad getting drunk and taking it out on me. he never hits me, but he can reduce me a shriveling, crying wreck on the floor emotionally. i always text my girlfriend when he has stopped and she makes me feel less like dying. but the other week i couldn't take it anymore, and i swallowed ten paracetamol [not to die, just to throw up because my stomach felt so sick]
nothing happened though, ten paracetamol and i felt fine. my gf told me dad though and he got really angry, i think it scared him as well though. the thing is he never remembers what he says the next morning and he wonders why i am so upset. i think the pills scared him a bit because this time he listened to what i had to say a bit.
recently i admitted to my girlfriend that i could be the same as my mum. whenever i go out, anywhere, like restaurants, the cinema, even a sleepover, i have terrible attacks. panic attacks. i breathe quickly and my muscles tighten and clench and i feel sick for sometimes hours at a time. but i don't know what sets it off. because its everywhere i go. i have had it for years and i think that i must have subconsciously picked it up from my mum. she had the same thing all of my life. i don't hate her for it but i do resent her for it, because if she had fought her illness i wouldn't have it. i have been fighting it for years by myself, thinking that it was something wrong with me, that i was somehow different from all my friends. but i have realized that i am not. i just have this thing that means i find these things harder. but i am determined to fight it. i realize it will not fix itself overnight.
i have never once gone home because of it, i have fought my way through the event or sleepover with a smile. but admitting has given me more motivation to try to stop this, or find ways of overcoming the attacks quicker.
dad says maybe i should go to a doctor to try and work out what triggers it, but i don't know.
some days it is hard, all i want to do is stay in my room and never talk to anyone even again. i find things like buying things at checkouts difficult. i shake and get hot all over, and i can barely talk. i used to ask friends to do it for me, but now i realise that is avoiding the problem. i had never really thought about it before because i refused to believe i had the problem. some days i can handle it, and the other day i changed a shirt for a different size all by myself. that might sound stupid to some people but to me it was a big step forward.
i know that i will feel ill at least once in each holiday but that doesn't stop me from going.

email to mum

this is an email i sent to my mum. it is the symbol of something rotten finally ending.

do you feel this need to drive people away?
do you really think you and steve are going to be together forever?
your already half the person you used to be, you are overweight and the rosy in your cheeks had gone. you have given up life for starch.
are you actually happy?
or is it just that if you face the truth you won't be able to handle it?
i might not be happiest at the moment but i have a whole life ahead of me. what do you have? truly?
you say we left you, but you left us.
so when you are all alone and can't even bear to look in the mirror remember that you lost out. you ran when everyone else stayed.
remember what you gave up.
but don't bother to try to get anywhere near me or hannah again because you aren't anything to us anymore except a bad memory that in time will fade.
you will probably delete this and never even read it but i don't care.
i used to care what you thought, but you can't reach me anymore, you can't feed off the misery of others.
i didn't leave, i don't need to feel guilty. it's you that left, you that has nothing.
from this point on i have no mother, and i am glad. because the thing i was most terrfied about was ending up like you.

why is the shit only happens to some people?

i don't know if i believe in bad luck but it seems to get me whether i do or not.
i haven't written on here in ages so a lot is missing but i can't be bothered to do a complete catch up right now. not that it is important, i am the only one who reads it.
i moved into my mum's house in the summer holidays after me and dad had a massive argument, the whole house had been getting lower and lower in this downward spiral and no one seemed to be able to change anything.
so i did the cowardly thing and ran away.
now here is the lucky part of it, dad had taken my phone so i had to walk to my girlfriends to tell her what was going on. i was going to sleep in the park but her and her mum dragged me in and said there was no way that was going to happen.
so i guess that taking my phone was kind of a good thing, because i might have been raped in that park, or i could have been absolutely fine but who knows.
so, after that one night i went to mum's. i didn't really want to be there because i hate her and i hate her tosser of a boyfriend.
i was there for about 2 months but i started to get realy ill, a kidney infection, stomach problems, listlessness. not really bad but put them all together and dad took me for a blood test.
i hadn't really spoken to him in a month and a half. i was missing him so badly that whenever i spoke to him i cried after i put the phone down.
i was only at my mum's because it was closer to my girlfriend, and i thought that she was all i needed. i spent nearly all my time there, sleeping over all weekend and most school evenings i spent there aswell.
but now i don't suppose any of that is going to happen now, one because i am further away, but i can bike it. the biggests problems are that her dad is having students there. 3 students. so som, her brother, her dad and her mum will be in the same room while the 3 students have the other two rooms.
i really don't see why because he is doing it to get money to buy a bigger house but there is house is big enough for them all if it didn't have any students in!
but the other reason is that, yesterday i made people breakfast and cooked lunch and did all the washing up and i help pak and som with their homework. which means i don't get to much for myself in the way of school work.
som said i was a good housewife type. and while i was in the middle of my lunch kept asking me to get up and do things because she was reading the newspaper!
i am 15, that is not my life! i don't need to be a 30 year old yet!
but i tried really hard, i did everything they both asked [even though i am ill] and so i was completely knackered by the end of the day. [i might have anaemia]
and when i left a coke can on the table her dad was really stressed at me and she was being all ott about it. like i had been really messy and everything and i tried so hard. how many people cook in other peoples homes?!
and i had a lie in this weekend and then her dad was stressed all weekend about her and me not getting up. and i can't!
he hit her brother with the broom so that pak cried. i just don't understand why there is no freedom and no lee way there. it is all to his liking and no one else can change that.
i don't, and can't, live like that!

why do i bother?

i have had a less than great two weeks.
hannah moved out last week, yelling to dad to fuck off and disowning him, then after her fucking tantrums she moved back in two days later.
dad thinks that i can cope better than she can so he lets her get away with more stuff. like i was crying and i really felt sick and he just said go to school. hannah didn't even pretend to be ill and she said 'daddy, i-i-don't feel very well....' and he let her have the day off.
i haven't slept through stress and crying for two weeks, and on the way home i couldn't even walk properly and i wanted to cry, so som took me home with her and i slept round.
i was so shocked because they didn't accept me and her being together but then let me sleep over! it was so nice to be just doing normal things, no arguments and being with her, i slept so well and she beside me so i felt even better, to wake up and see her face.
but as soon as i got home though today hannah yell at me, and i just think, why do i bother coming home?
i know i haven't explained very well but i just don't have the energy.

am i actually fat?

if i look at myself from mid tummy up i can believe i am pretty sometimes. i have alright hair if i style it for ages, and if i layer the make up i can look ok.
but i have a bump for a tummy and a huge butt and massive thighs.
i have done the dieting and exercising, i can do it in the summer, and i got to the weight i wanted but i cant seem to stick to it. i just put it all back on when something goes wrong...
i go to bed everynight wishing i was anorexic. most people might think that is weird but i wish it so badly.
when i am older i will probably have surgery, but will it make me happy? is it actually my body that is making me unhappy or is my own mind that is telling me the wrong things?

missing something.....

i feel like i am missing something. something that is very important.
i know it sounds really stupid because i never met him, but i really miss jhon. to me he was just a good mate on the other end of msn. but without him there it seems like there is just a gap. there is so many 'whats ifs' and future things that would have happened but now they can't...........
i need him sometimes, just to talk to, even though he didn't say helpful things all the time, just to have someone to listen. someone that doesn't think they already know about my life. because although bex is great at listening, she knows a lot about my life, so she has ideas about it before i tell her. with someone that knows nothing about me, they don't prejudge me. they just listen and help or just listen.
and this past month me and som have been so distant, arguing all the time and never seeing each other. sometimes i just make arguments just to have an excuse to talk to her. because if i don't i won't hear her voice or hear her say she loves me.
the one person that i really need is the one person who i can't have, and who is making it ache so much. i would never stop this for one moment though.
it just feels like sometimes i don't want to see her because everytime i do i have to say goodbye again. i will though, obviously, i will just have to get used to the goodbyes....

fire

i shouldn't have done it but it so fucking good.
she had been asking for it for months, she kept calling me stupid and whispering behind my back because me and mum don't talk. mum gives her all the money and not me. she loves her more than me.
like it is any of her fucking business!
so she touched me one too many, pushed me one too many times. i felt it rise from my stomach like poison, it coursed round my body like fire.
i turned round and slapped her straight across the face, i have never hit anyone and it felt good. she fell against the sofa and her eyes showed the fear and amazment in them for a few seconds until she came at me. she hit me round the back of the head but so much was my anger that i didn't feel it, i didn't even flinch i just laughed at her. all the anger i had inflicted on myself i finally let go.
the fear in her eyes made me stronger, i was the one with the power. i held her by her throat and pushed her aginst the wall. told her to never fucking touch me again, looked at her standing there almost crying and shaking and i laughed.
i feel so sick, this is not me. i never hit and i never get angry.
she laughed at my arms and told me to try harder next time, try harder, i didn't get it right. told me that i didn't get all the way. so i grabbed her neck again and threw her. she tried to hit me but i caught her arm and pushed her back again. everytime she tried to get at me i just grabbed her and threw her.
i stood and stared at her, she tried to stare back but i had so much hate in my eyes she couldn't.
i went and showered all the anger away, i cried and was sick and i tried to wash away all the pain and anger and fire.
i have finger nail marks on my arm, the pain that came from them made me stronger, the more she hurt me the stronger i got.

lies and betrayal

i don't know what to do. i know i say this a lot, but normally there is something i can try to do.
this time there is nothing, i love som so so much, i never ever want to lose her. but all this lying and sneaking around is beginning to get to me. i don't want to become a good liar and i don't want to be able to sneak around, they are bad things to get into.
i am not saying that i will stop doing it, because we have no choice, we love each other too much to not see eachother. but i just wish it was easier. i want to be able to love her and be accepted by her family, but i never will be.
all my family loves her and my dad would kill for her. he said so himself. but i won't ever have that with her family because they will never know me. i am not saying that i want it so bad, but it would be nice to be able to go round there and just say hi and for them to see that me and their daughter are happy together.
all this sneaking is just lie after lie. :(

what happens now?

i was going to try and burn the scars of my arms today.
i have this really strong wart/ blister thing that literally burns the skin so the blister or wart thing dies. i tested it on my finger, it literally dies and the skin falls off in about 5 seconds, i was going to pour some on my arms but then i realised i might need more than a wet tissue and a couple of bandages, like normal. the scars from that wouldn't long purple lines.
the skin would die, and dad would find out so i put the bottle back in the cabinet and just went and sat in my room for a while, trying to calm down.
then i started wondering that if that stuff can kill tough skin on my hand, what would happen if i swallowed enough? it would burn and melt my throat.
so i wondered about should i throw it away because there are days when i want something like that so bad and now i have found it, do i have the strength to stop myself, pouring it over my arms, it would hurt like hell.
it would be like pouring acid all over me and watching my skin burn and die.
so, what should i do with it? hide it, never open the cabinet, throw it away?

i am not strong enough

the thing about dad when he gets drunk is that he can't judge time. he kept talking about mum and i really didn't want to talk about it just then. i was having a night away from some of the sit back home.
he wants me to talk to mum, he wants me ask her, 'why don't you fight for me?'
she never let me get close, i tired so many times, i hugged her and desperately wanted to be hugged back, i asked her questions about her life and i told her all about mine. but she laughed and turned away.
told me her illness was her fault, she regreted me.
does she really? does she regret having me, or does she regret not being able to love me? are they the same?
i don't want to go to her and bear my heart one more time, to open up completely because i know she won't fight for me, she won't stand by me. i don't want to hurt myself one more time because she won't be a part of my life. i am not strong enough yet to hear the words that i dread hearing.
for years me, dad and hannah had no choice but give in to her, 'im ill i can't go out, we can't go on holiday there its too far, i can't help you, i am too ill.' she lived with us we had no choice.
i have a choice now, i don't have to accept her answers anymore. everytime i used to ask she used to laugh and turn away.
i will not have that any longer, every time she turns away from me my heart rips a little more, i can feel it bleed inside my chest.
do i know what the answer is? am i scared of what i might hear?
i can go on hating her because it is easy, it is easy to hate someone for their faults, but harder to love them. i know she can never show me she loves me.
i also know she loves me somewhere deep down. i have no time for her breaking my heart repeatedly.
dad thinks that if i never get the answer i can't move on with my life and my entire life will be poisoned by her.
i will write her an email and if she doesn't reply then this is the last chance, i will not carry on fighting for someone like that.
you don't choose family, if she wasn't related i would have given up ages ago. but as she is my mother i have to try. i have to be the bigger person.
i hate being the bigger person, a few days before she left she was upstairs lying on the bed and i went up there, i didn't want to but dad said i had to try.
i went upstairs and i told her everything i could, i said the reason we were staying with dad wasn't because we didn't love her. we weren't leaving her.
she lay there smirking and saying sarcastic comments. she didn't really care about me, standing in front of her crying because my mum didn't want to talk to me, she was sorry for herself. she was pitying herself because she wanted us to let her do whatever she wanted, no emotion/ strings attached.
i cried myself to sleep, thinking that eventually, whatever dad says about her maybe finally opening up, i am going to get my heart broken the day i talk to her. because she won't talk to me, and she won't fight for me, and it will be the last time i ever speak to my mum.

life line!

heya huni,
sorri about this.
it just i need to talk to someone and i trust you to listen properly and answer properly. i getting really upset about it, and i can't talk to her about it because it not her fault and she get upset.
you know charlotte fancied som? but she said she didn't.

●)¢нαяℓσттє(●) says:
i like u lke ldz
(●)¢нαяℓσттє(●) says:
its seems like more than a mate

som just send me that from her and charlotte conversation. i know it not som fault but she keep talking and talking about it and it really upset me. sometimes i think she flirt with her and lead her on but she don't realise she doing it. she is a natural flirt seriously.

but charlotte knows me and her are going out, so why does she keep trying to get som to like her. because no one would say something like that without wanting the whole thing would they? thats just logical.

i know it not fair to ask you but i really don't know what to do and you the only person i can trust and talk to.

i know som is love me but sometimes i don't think she realise how i am going to take it. she rang me up and was asking me what she should do about charlotte, saying she felt bad and talking about their conversation and giggling and stuff. it just makes my tummy feel like i being stabbed.

she is still thinking danielle fancying me, because danielle left love on my bebo and hugged me and keeps seeing me in the corridor. me and her were together in pe weren't we? but she not fancy me! she not even gay!

me and her just got better mate recently. so i not allowed to talk to people som don't know now? i don't get it, she said she is jeaous of my time with you coz we so close but she knows we not gonna go out or flirt so it ok.

is that too controlling do you think?

im so stuck! i could realli use some of that special bex-ness right now huni. sorri to moan for so long but you the closest person to me.
love ya xxx becky xxx

why?

i am feeling really quiet today. i don't think quiet is the right word, it more like completely tired and down. i not really sure why though.
i was trying to think about it, and i know i probably have a lot of stuff to be sad about:
**mum had an affair and moved out
**mum never talks to me, phones me, emails me, texts me, or bother to keep in touch at all.
**my dad can't get a job so the house is in jeopardy
and most of my past aswell.
i spose i kind of decided, yeah i have had a shit start to life, i also know there is more shit to come. so why am i so bothered? if thats all i focus on, then that is all i will be able to see. so why not focus on the good parts, and try to have more of them, then maybe the shit parts will kind of get erased.
som keeps getting obssesed with me being jealous, i get jealous realli easily normally, but as everyone fancies her i don't see the point anymore. i love her and i know she loves me. so why do i worry so much?
so at lunchtime she like walked arm in arm with charlotte [this girl who fancied som, and probably still does a bit, its obvious] then hugged her in front of me to try to get me jealous and act silly.
then she says'did you see that?'
of course i bloody well did!
she got realli stressed with me when i joked about flirting with other people, but she changed it for herself?
i not angry at her, although it sounds like that. i just realli upset that she thought it was funny to mess about with my feelings like that.
i got more in my head but i a bit stressed to write it all now.

tearing me inside

i know its not anyones fault.
i tell myself the same thing everyday.
but i still think it. people are making this so difficult, why?! i can't see her at all hardly, it means everytime i talk to her on msn and on the phone it feels like someone is tearing my heart out of my chest and i can't breathe properly and i feel like crying and screaming 'why us?'
what have we done wrong? nothing.
i control my anger and i even take the blame and hurt for other people if i can see them smile. i would cut my own skin to shreds just so as not to hit my sister.
i have a breaking point, everyone does. how long do they think i can last? doing all this hiding and bleeding?

i blame myself

som said something to me today. she said she tells me less when she is angry because i always say it is my fault and she is angry with me. she says it isn't me.
she laughed about it and said it doesn't matter though, but i get the feeling she was hinting, it was a bitter laugh.
like she wants to talk to me but she can't, and i know this sounds like i am blaming myself again, but this time it is me. i know i blame myself for a lot of things.
like my mum's illness, if i hadn't been born, if i hadn't shouted as a kid, i am excellent at making up reasons. but that is all they are, made up.
[except the reason i thought that was in the first place was because my mum blamed me, she said i wrecked her life, so i believed her until som and dad made me believe i am better person than that.]
i know deep down it isn't my fault, but i feel i deserve the blame.
i want her [som] to be able to talk to me and me not turn it selfishly into something that makes me feel bad, so i am going to stop blaming myself for everything and feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.

control it!!

i don't know whats happening to me.
i keep getting angry for no reason. i just don't get angry. i can control it. i almost hit my sister, i managed to stop myself.
she called me stupid for cutting my arms, she rolled her eyes and laughed at me, but not a fun laugh, a degrading laugh, meant to hurt. it reminded me of mum, laughing at my pain.
i looked after hannah when she was small, but i can't anymore. i can't look after her. she won't listen to anyone, she just keeps getting herself hurt, she is so fucking stubborn.
she doesn't understand what mum did to me. she can't.
i cut my arms because i hate arguing, thats why the first time this week. she was being so spiteful, she takes all her anger out on me. i can't handle it. i should really. i just want her to stop being stubborn, and to stop herself getting hurt.
some of the things she said realli hurt and i don't know whether she meant to do it.
no one understands what mum realli did to me.
when dad told her about my arms, she said it wasn't her responsibilty and she didn't care.
my head is all over the place, i can't write just now.
i wish when i was small someone had held me close, told me it was ok. i did that for them, they never realised what i felt, i never told them.

r.i.p

he's gone. i never met him but we spoke on msn loads. i keep expecting him to log on and go 'hey, u ok?' but he won't.
its hard because i didn't meet him so to me no one has actually died, there is just emptyness and a lot of 'what ifs.' what if i had met him? what if me and som had grown up and i became his cousin? what if, what if, what if, they circle round and round in my head.
i tried to make her feel better. i think i did. i think i distracted her though rather than make it better.
i lost someone, but in a different way.
i don't know what to do. i want to take all her pain away and make it all better, but i don't want her to use me as a getaway, every time it begins to hurt, come to mine and hug and kiss and have sex to make it better, because that doesn't make it any easier. it just means she is ignoring the pain.

guilty

the worst part of all this is that i know i will never stop, they tried to help, bex, som, dad, they tried.
but what they don't realise is that i want to. i want to see the blood. how can i stop when i want it?
a guilty and painful pleasure. the worst of it, they are the ones that feel the pain, not me.
maybe she won't notice.
maybe she won't feel the pain.
maybe i won't have to see the disappoint in her eyes as she runs her fingers gently across the scars and hangs her head.

i'm sorry

i couldn't help it. or maybe i don't have the energy?
as i took the broken glass and dragged it across my already scarred skin i felt better, seeing the bright red run out of my body made me feel better.
i normally only do little lines, i can hide those.
but seeing the first line if red, i wanted more, i needed more. dragging it over again and again i felt some of the pain and helplessness flood out of me. i was in control. i knew just what to do.
pain is what keeps me going. as i bleed i know i am alive.
then i remember som, guilt washed over me. how am i going to hide them from her? all the lines across my forearm? i can wear long sleeved shirts, dad and hannah won't know. but som will know. she will see the bandages.
what is my excuse? i don't have one. i am selfish, hurting myself is more important, even though it hurts her. is that it? i wish it wasn't but i suppose thats what i am. selfish.

i sometimes wonder if i regret my life?
i thought about it for hours, lying awake at night with thoughts running round in my head, screaming at me.
i don't. i don't regret my life, it has got me where i am, and why i think that where i am right now isn't all that good, it is survivable. i can get through it.
i have had so much happen to me, yeah its been shit, yeah i once thought that being road kill was the answer, but i'm not dead. and i won't be anytime soon.
if i hadn't been through everything i have, would i love and trust som as much as i do? by watching relationships fall apart and see what the problems do, little things, i now know what not to do.
i trust her, she lied to me, but when she told me the truth i didn't question it, i immediately took it as the truth. should i have asked more question? why did i trust her after being lied to once?
i love her. i know it sounds so simple and soppy, but thats the answer.
she did it because she loves me, and i will always trust her, whatever happens.

i worry about her. so so much. what can i do to help? her brother doesn't do anything, he never helps out, but he doesn't get in trouble. she does.
she over works herself, i think she might be trying to prover herself to her parents, but she does so much. he just doesn't see it. i get so scared that one day she won't be able to handle it anymore. i want to take all the pain away and carry it for her, lock it away in my heart, so hers doesn't hurt.
i would be hit every evening for the rest of my life if it meant she wouldn't be. if she could get away and get happier life i would give up anything. i'd lose my sight, i'd lose my hearing if it meant she could get happy.
but i know that i can't make a deal like that. because who would there be to make the deal with?
if someone stood before me now, and said to me, i can stop her hurting and being so alone, but you have to give me part of you everday. i wouldn't hesitate, i would say yes.
if they said, you or her? i would gladly die if it meant she should live.
she deserves so much more than she has now, she deserves the respect she never gets now, she deserves someone to love her unconditionally and against everything, she deserves a family that love her. whether that means making her own, or this one realises what they have.

love you

i just felt so happy that day.
she ha been having a rough time and she was shattered so she was lying in my arms and she looked so gorgeous and peaceful. i just wish i could have stayed there and held her for as long as she needed me.