short catch up [very very short catch up]

I last published on here ten months ago. i thought it was longer. I keep meaning to write something but the last ten months has been so full of just the same everyday shit. Nothing more than the normal.
The biggest things that have happened are moving from my old home. It didn't have hot water, heating or anything decent really. I hated it. Me and dad couldn't keep it going. He doesn't have a job, hasn't since january. but it wasn't his fault. i just wish he would put the bitterness behind him and get on with life. shit happens.
his old boss was a complete bitch, she illegally got funding and just fired people for the fun of it. he got laid off because his course was finished though. he hasn't got another one because she won't give him a reference. for no reason.
so we moved into our own little luxery flat. its always warm [in a nice way] we have all new furniture, showers, a kitchen with everything we could want. it is so much nicer being out in the countryside. my dog loves it.
anyways, it wasn't all easy. the forms came months and months late so we were just waiting to see which letter would come first, the repossession letter or the move letter. luckily it was the move letter. but only by a week. just.
so since the 23rd may i have been here. but we only just for the internet back.
mum was a bitch about the move, dad was going to 60% and her 40% and it was agreed but on the day the money was going to be transferred she was only going to sign if it was 50/50. but me and dad had had enough, we had nothing to lose because they would take it all anyway. so we didn't back down so she had to. we finally won something. i howled and howled when i heard that she wanted money even if it meant i would be homeless. she claims 50/50 was fair, even after all of her behaviors. yeah right! in a court she would have been given less than that!
anyway, now we have some money and a new start i have been flourishing, i can wear pretty clothes again and make up again and have nice shampoo, not the 53p stuff. that all sounds very vain but its being able to walk out the door without being embarrassed. i have started to write again.
i am waiting for my GCSE results now. they should come in august. i am worried but i know i did everything i could and more. at the end of the day i will be proud of myself. the move and the arguments and the repossession threats were all going on during those exam weeks and i still pushed myself to the limit more than once. what else can you do.
i was going to work my arse off this holiday but then i decided that i have been looking after everyone else and working my bollocks off all my kid life, so whilst i am still part kid [16 is not a kid i know but i need to catch up on a lot of missed fun] i am going to take this summer to do that. wear nice clothes and dance to my music and sing as loud as i can and finally smile at myself when i look in the mirror.
i am going on three holidays. the first is latitude music festival, this weekend, the second is Dublin, Ireland, where i am going to see muse backed by kasabian. the third is with my mum, sister and Steve in york. i wasn't going to go to york but then i thought of Hannah having to put up with mum and Steve on her own.
the only problems i have had recently are the normal. my dad getting drunk and taking it out on me. he never hits me, but he can reduce me a shriveling, crying wreck on the floor emotionally. i always text my girlfriend when he has stopped and she makes me feel less like dying. but the other week i couldn't take it anymore, and i swallowed ten paracetamol [not to die, just to throw up because my stomach felt so sick]
nothing happened though, ten paracetamol and i felt fine. my gf told me dad though and he got really angry, i think it scared him as well though. the thing is he never remembers what he says the next morning and he wonders why i am so upset. i think the pills scared him a bit because this time he listened to what i had to say a bit.
recently i admitted to my girlfriend that i could be the same as my mum. whenever i go out, anywhere, like restaurants, the cinema, even a sleepover, i have terrible attacks. panic attacks. i breathe quickly and my muscles tighten and clench and i feel sick for sometimes hours at a time. but i don't know what sets it off. because its everywhere i go. i have had it for years and i think that i must have subconsciously picked it up from my mum. she had the same thing all of my life. i don't hate her for it but i do resent her for it, because if she had fought her illness i wouldn't have it. i have been fighting it for years by myself, thinking that it was something wrong with me, that i was somehow different from all my friends. but i have realized that i am not. i just have this thing that means i find these things harder. but i am determined to fight it. i realize it will not fix itself overnight.
i have never once gone home because of it, i have fought my way through the event or sleepover with a smile. but admitting has given me more motivation to try to stop this, or find ways of overcoming the attacks quicker.
dad says maybe i should go to a doctor to try and work out what triggers it, but i don't know.
some days it is hard, all i want to do is stay in my room and never talk to anyone even again. i find things like buying things at checkouts difficult. i shake and get hot all over, and i can barely talk. i used to ask friends to do it for me, but now i realise that is avoiding the problem. i had never really thought about it before because i refused to believe i had the problem. some days i can handle it, and the other day i changed a shirt for a different size all by myself. that might sound stupid to some people but to me it was a big step forward.
i know that i will feel ill at least once in each holiday but that doesn't stop me from going.