short catch up [very very short catch up]

I last published on here ten months ago. i thought it was longer. I keep meaning to write something but the last ten months has been so full of just the same everyday shit. Nothing more than the normal.
The biggest things that have happened are moving from my old home. It didn't have hot water, heating or anything decent really. I hated it. Me and dad couldn't keep it going. He doesn't have a job, hasn't since january. but it wasn't his fault. i just wish he would put the bitterness behind him and get on with life. shit happens.
his old boss was a complete bitch, she illegally got funding and just fired people for the fun of it. he got laid off because his course was finished though. he hasn't got another one because she won't give him a reference. for no reason.
so we moved into our own little luxery flat. its always warm [in a nice way] we have all new furniture, showers, a kitchen with everything we could want. it is so much nicer being out in the countryside. my dog loves it.
anyways, it wasn't all easy. the forms came months and months late so we were just waiting to see which letter would come first, the repossession letter or the move letter. luckily it was the move letter. but only by a week. just.
so since the 23rd may i have been here. but we only just for the internet back.
mum was a bitch about the move, dad was going to 60% and her 40% and it was agreed but on the day the money was going to be transferred she was only going to sign if it was 50/50. but me and dad had had enough, we had nothing to lose because they would take it all anyway. so we didn't back down so she had to. we finally won something. i howled and howled when i heard that she wanted money even if it meant i would be homeless. she claims 50/50 was fair, even after all of her behaviors. yeah right! in a court she would have been given less than that!
anyway, now we have some money and a new start i have been flourishing, i can wear pretty clothes again and make up again and have nice shampoo, not the 53p stuff. that all sounds very vain but its being able to walk out the door without being embarrassed. i have started to write again.
i am waiting for my GCSE results now. they should come in august. i am worried but i know i did everything i could and more. at the end of the day i will be proud of myself. the move and the arguments and the repossession threats were all going on during those exam weeks and i still pushed myself to the limit more than once. what else can you do.
i was going to work my arse off this holiday but then i decided that i have been looking after everyone else and working my bollocks off all my kid life, so whilst i am still part kid [16 is not a kid i know but i need to catch up on a lot of missed fun] i am going to take this summer to do that. wear nice clothes and dance to my music and sing as loud as i can and finally smile at myself when i look in the mirror.
i am going on three holidays. the first is latitude music festival, this weekend, the second is Dublin, Ireland, where i am going to see muse backed by kasabian. the third is with my mum, sister and Steve in york. i wasn't going to go to york but then i thought of Hannah having to put up with mum and Steve on her own.
the only problems i have had recently are the normal. my dad getting drunk and taking it out on me. he never hits me, but he can reduce me a shriveling, crying wreck on the floor emotionally. i always text my girlfriend when he has stopped and she makes me feel less like dying. but the other week i couldn't take it anymore, and i swallowed ten paracetamol [not to die, just to throw up because my stomach felt so sick]
nothing happened though, ten paracetamol and i felt fine. my gf told me dad though and he got really angry, i think it scared him as well though. the thing is he never remembers what he says the next morning and he wonders why i am so upset. i think the pills scared him a bit because this time he listened to what i had to say a bit.
recently i admitted to my girlfriend that i could be the same as my mum. whenever i go out, anywhere, like restaurants, the cinema, even a sleepover, i have terrible attacks. panic attacks. i breathe quickly and my muscles tighten and clench and i feel sick for sometimes hours at a time. but i don't know what sets it off. because its everywhere i go. i have had it for years and i think that i must have subconsciously picked it up from my mum. she had the same thing all of my life. i don't hate her for it but i do resent her for it, because if she had fought her illness i wouldn't have it. i have been fighting it for years by myself, thinking that it was something wrong with me, that i was somehow different from all my friends. but i have realized that i am not. i just have this thing that means i find these things harder. but i am determined to fight it. i realize it will not fix itself overnight.
i have never once gone home because of it, i have fought my way through the event or sleepover with a smile. but admitting has given me more motivation to try to stop this, or find ways of overcoming the attacks quicker.
dad says maybe i should go to a doctor to try and work out what triggers it, but i don't know.
some days it is hard, all i want to do is stay in my room and never talk to anyone even again. i find things like buying things at checkouts difficult. i shake and get hot all over, and i can barely talk. i used to ask friends to do it for me, but now i realise that is avoiding the problem. i had never really thought about it before because i refused to believe i had the problem. some days i can handle it, and the other day i changed a shirt for a different size all by myself. that might sound stupid to some people but to me it was a big step forward.
i know that i will feel ill at least once in each holiday but that doesn't stop me from going.

email to mum

this is an email i sent to my mum. it is the symbol of something rotten finally ending.

do you feel this need to drive people away?
do you really think you and steve are going to be together forever?
your already half the person you used to be, you are overweight and the rosy in your cheeks had gone. you have given up life for starch.
are you actually happy?
or is it just that if you face the truth you won't be able to handle it?
i might not be happiest at the moment but i have a whole life ahead of me. what do you have? truly?
you say we left you, but you left us.
so when you are all alone and can't even bear to look in the mirror remember that you lost out. you ran when everyone else stayed.
remember what you gave up.
but don't bother to try to get anywhere near me or hannah again because you aren't anything to us anymore except a bad memory that in time will fade.
you will probably delete this and never even read it but i don't care.
i used to care what you thought, but you can't reach me anymore, you can't feed off the misery of others.
i didn't leave, i don't need to feel guilty. it's you that left, you that has nothing.
from this point on i have no mother, and i am glad. because the thing i was most terrfied about was ending up like you.

why is the shit only happens to some people?

i don't know if i believe in bad luck but it seems to get me whether i do or not.
i haven't written on here in ages so a lot is missing but i can't be bothered to do a complete catch up right now. not that it is important, i am the only one who reads it.
i moved into my mum's house in the summer holidays after me and dad had a massive argument, the whole house had been getting lower and lower in this downward spiral and no one seemed to be able to change anything.
so i did the cowardly thing and ran away.
now here is the lucky part of it, dad had taken my phone so i had to walk to my girlfriends to tell her what was going on. i was going to sleep in the park but her and her mum dragged me in and said there was no way that was going to happen.
so i guess that taking my phone was kind of a good thing, because i might have been raped in that park, or i could have been absolutely fine but who knows.
so, after that one night i went to mum's. i didn't really want to be there because i hate her and i hate her tosser of a boyfriend.
i was there for about 2 months but i started to get realy ill, a kidney infection, stomach problems, listlessness. not really bad but put them all together and dad took me for a blood test.
i hadn't really spoken to him in a month and a half. i was missing him so badly that whenever i spoke to him i cried after i put the phone down.
i was only at my mum's because it was closer to my girlfriend, and i thought that she was all i needed. i spent nearly all my time there, sleeping over all weekend and most school evenings i spent there aswell.
but now i don't suppose any of that is going to happen now, one because i am further away, but i can bike it. the biggests problems are that her dad is having students there. 3 students. so som, her brother, her dad and her mum will be in the same room while the 3 students have the other two rooms.
i really don't see why because he is doing it to get money to buy a bigger house but there is house is big enough for them all if it didn't have any students in!
but the other reason is that, yesterday i made people breakfast and cooked lunch and did all the washing up and i help pak and som with their homework. which means i don't get to much for myself in the way of school work.
som said i was a good housewife type. and while i was in the middle of my lunch kept asking me to get up and do things because she was reading the newspaper!
i am 15, that is not my life! i don't need to be a 30 year old yet!
but i tried really hard, i did everything they both asked [even though i am ill] and so i was completely knackered by the end of the day. [i might have anaemia]
and when i left a coke can on the table her dad was really stressed at me and she was being all ott about it. like i had been really messy and everything and i tried so hard. how many people cook in other peoples homes?!
and i had a lie in this weekend and then her dad was stressed all weekend about her and me not getting up. and i can't!
he hit her brother with the broom so that pak cried. i just don't understand why there is no freedom and no lee way there. it is all to his liking and no one else can change that.
i don't, and can't, live like that!

why do i bother?

i have had a less than great two weeks.
hannah moved out last week, yelling to dad to fuck off and disowning him, then after her fucking tantrums she moved back in two days later.
dad thinks that i can cope better than she can so he lets her get away with more stuff. like i was crying and i really felt sick and he just said go to school. hannah didn't even pretend to be ill and she said 'daddy, i-i-don't feel very well....' and he let her have the day off.
i haven't slept through stress and crying for two weeks, and on the way home i couldn't even walk properly and i wanted to cry, so som took me home with her and i slept round.
i was so shocked because they didn't accept me and her being together but then let me sleep over! it was so nice to be just doing normal things, no arguments and being with her, i slept so well and she beside me so i felt even better, to wake up and see her face.
but as soon as i got home though today hannah yell at me, and i just think, why do i bother coming home?
i know i haven't explained very well but i just don't have the energy.

am i actually fat?

if i look at myself from mid tummy up i can believe i am pretty sometimes. i have alright hair if i style it for ages, and if i layer the make up i can look ok.
but i have a bump for a tummy and a huge butt and massive thighs.
i have done the dieting and exercising, i can do it in the summer, and i got to the weight i wanted but i cant seem to stick to it. i just put it all back on when something goes wrong...
i go to bed everynight wishing i was anorexic. most people might think that is weird but i wish it so badly.
when i am older i will probably have surgery, but will it make me happy? is it actually my body that is making me unhappy or is my own mind that is telling me the wrong things?

missing something.....

i feel like i am missing something. something that is very important.
i know it sounds really stupid because i never met him, but i really miss jhon. to me he was just a good mate on the other end of msn. but without him there it seems like there is just a gap. there is so many 'whats ifs' and future things that would have happened but now they can't...........
i need him sometimes, just to talk to, even though he didn't say helpful things all the time, just to have someone to listen. someone that doesn't think they already know about my life. because although bex is great at listening, she knows a lot about my life, so she has ideas about it before i tell her. with someone that knows nothing about me, they don't prejudge me. they just listen and help or just listen.
and this past month me and som have been so distant, arguing all the time and never seeing each other. sometimes i just make arguments just to have an excuse to talk to her. because if i don't i won't hear her voice or hear her say she loves me.
the one person that i really need is the one person who i can't have, and who is making it ache so much. i would never stop this for one moment though.
it just feels like sometimes i don't want to see her because everytime i do i have to say goodbye again. i will though, obviously, i will just have to get used to the goodbyes....

fire

i shouldn't have done it but it so fucking good.
she had been asking for it for months, she kept calling me stupid and whispering behind my back because me and mum don't talk. mum gives her all the money and not me. she loves her more than me.
like it is any of her fucking business!
so she touched me one too many, pushed me one too many times. i felt it rise from my stomach like poison, it coursed round my body like fire.
i turned round and slapped her straight across the face, i have never hit anyone and it felt good. she fell against the sofa and her eyes showed the fear and amazment in them for a few seconds until she came at me. she hit me round the back of the head but so much was my anger that i didn't feel it, i didn't even flinch i just laughed at her. all the anger i had inflicted on myself i finally let go.
the fear in her eyes made me stronger, i was the one with the power. i held her by her throat and pushed her aginst the wall. told her to never fucking touch me again, looked at her standing there almost crying and shaking and i laughed.
i feel so sick, this is not me. i never hit and i never get angry.
she laughed at my arms and told me to try harder next time, try harder, i didn't get it right. told me that i didn't get all the way. so i grabbed her neck again and threw her. she tried to hit me but i caught her arm and pushed her back again. everytime she tried to get at me i just grabbed her and threw her.
i stood and stared at her, she tried to stare back but i had so much hate in my eyes she couldn't.
i went and showered all the anger away, i cried and was sick and i tried to wash away all the pain and anger and fire.
i have finger nail marks on my arm, the pain that came from them made me stronger, the more she hurt me the stronger i got.

lies and betrayal

i don't know what to do. i know i say this a lot, but normally there is something i can try to do.
this time there is nothing, i love som so so much, i never ever want to lose her. but all this lying and sneaking around is beginning to get to me. i don't want to become a good liar and i don't want to be able to sneak around, they are bad things to get into.
i am not saying that i will stop doing it, because we have no choice, we love each other too much to not see eachother. but i just wish it was easier. i want to be able to love her and be accepted by her family, but i never will be.
all my family loves her and my dad would kill for her. he said so himself. but i won't ever have that with her family because they will never know me. i am not saying that i want it so bad, but it would be nice to be able to go round there and just say hi and for them to see that me and their daughter are happy together.
all this sneaking is just lie after lie. :(