i know its not anyones fault.
i tell myself the same thing everyday.
but i still think it. people are making this so difficult, why?! i can't see her at all hardly, it means everytime i talk to her on msn and on the phone it feels like someone is tearing my heart out of my chest and i can't breathe properly and i feel like crying and screaming 'why us?'
what have we done wrong? nothing.
i control my anger and i even take the blame and hurt for other people if i can see them smile. i would cut my own skin to shreds just so as not to hit my sister.
i have a breaking point, everyone does. how long do they think i can last? doing all this hiding and bleeding?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
i blame myself
som said something to me today. she said she tells me less when she is angry because i always say it is my fault and she is angry with me. she says it isn't me.
she laughed about it and said it doesn't matter though, but i get the feeling she was hinting, it was a bitter laugh.
like she wants to talk to me but she can't, and i know this sounds like i am blaming myself again, but this time it is me. i know i blame myself for a lot of things.
like my mum's illness, if i hadn't been born, if i hadn't shouted as a kid, i am excellent at making up reasons. but that is all they are, made up.
[except the reason i thought that was in the first place was because my mum blamed me, she said i wrecked her life, so i believed her until som and dad made me believe i am better person than that.]
i know deep down it isn't my fault, but i feel i deserve the blame.
i want her [som] to be able to talk to me and me not turn it selfishly into something that makes me feel bad, so i am going to stop blaming myself for everything and feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.
she laughed about it and said it doesn't matter though, but i get the feeling she was hinting, it was a bitter laugh.
like she wants to talk to me but she can't, and i know this sounds like i am blaming myself again, but this time it is me. i know i blame myself for a lot of things.
like my mum's illness, if i hadn't been born, if i hadn't shouted as a kid, i am excellent at making up reasons. but that is all they are, made up.
[except the reason i thought that was in the first place was because my mum blamed me, she said i wrecked her life, so i believed her until som and dad made me believe i am better person than that.]
i know deep down it isn't my fault, but i feel i deserve the blame.
i want her [som] to be able to talk to me and me not turn it selfishly into something that makes me feel bad, so i am going to stop blaming myself for everything and feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.
Monday, April 09, 2007
control it!!
i don't know whats happening to me.
i keep getting angry for no reason. i just don't get angry. i can control it. i almost hit my sister, i managed to stop myself.
she called me stupid for cutting my arms, she rolled her eyes and laughed at me, but not a fun laugh, a degrading laugh, meant to hurt. it reminded me of mum, laughing at my pain.
i looked after hannah when she was small, but i can't anymore. i can't look after her. she won't listen to anyone, she just keeps getting herself hurt, she is so fucking stubborn.
she doesn't understand what mum did to me. she can't.
i cut my arms because i hate arguing, thats why the first time this week. she was being so spiteful, she takes all her anger out on me. i can't handle it. i should really. i just want her to stop being stubborn, and to stop herself getting hurt.
some of the things she said realli hurt and i don't know whether she meant to do it.
no one understands what mum realli did to me.
when dad told her about my arms, she said it wasn't her responsibilty and she didn't care.
my head is all over the place, i can't write just now.
i wish when i was small someone had held me close, told me it was ok. i did that for them, they never realised what i felt, i never told them.
i keep getting angry for no reason. i just don't get angry. i can control it. i almost hit my sister, i managed to stop myself.
she called me stupid for cutting my arms, she rolled her eyes and laughed at me, but not a fun laugh, a degrading laugh, meant to hurt. it reminded me of mum, laughing at my pain.
i looked after hannah when she was small, but i can't anymore. i can't look after her. she won't listen to anyone, she just keeps getting herself hurt, she is so fucking stubborn.
she doesn't understand what mum did to me. she can't.
i cut my arms because i hate arguing, thats why the first time this week. she was being so spiteful, she takes all her anger out on me. i can't handle it. i should really. i just want her to stop being stubborn, and to stop herself getting hurt.
some of the things she said realli hurt and i don't know whether she meant to do it.
no one understands what mum realli did to me.
when dad told her about my arms, she said it wasn't her responsibilty and she didn't care.
my head is all over the place, i can't write just now.
i wish when i was small someone had held me close, told me it was ok. i did that for them, they never realised what i felt, i never told them.
Friday, April 06, 2007
r.i.p
he's gone. i never met him but we spoke on msn loads. i keep expecting him to log on and go 'hey, u ok?' but he won't.
its hard because i didn't meet him so to me no one has actually died, there is just emptyness and a lot of 'what ifs.' what if i had met him? what if me and som had grown up and i became his cousin? what if, what if, what if, they circle round and round in my head.
i tried to make her feel better. i think i did. i think i distracted her though rather than make it better.
i lost someone, but in a different way.
i don't know what to do. i want to take all her pain away and make it all better, but i don't want her to use me as a getaway, every time it begins to hurt, come to mine and hug and kiss and have sex to make it better, because that doesn't make it any easier. it just means she is ignoring the pain.
its hard because i didn't meet him so to me no one has actually died, there is just emptyness and a lot of 'what ifs.' what if i had met him? what if me and som had grown up and i became his cousin? what if, what if, what if, they circle round and round in my head.
i tried to make her feel better. i think i did. i think i distracted her though rather than make it better.
i lost someone, but in a different way.
i don't know what to do. i want to take all her pain away and make it all better, but i don't want her to use me as a getaway, every time it begins to hurt, come to mine and hug and kiss and have sex to make it better, because that doesn't make it any easier. it just means she is ignoring the pain.
guilty
the worst part of all this is that i know i will never stop, they tried to help, bex, som, dad, they tried.
but what they don't realise is that i want to. i want to see the blood. how can i stop when i want it?
a guilty and painful pleasure. the worst of it, they are the ones that feel the pain, not me.
maybe she won't notice.
maybe she won't feel the pain.
maybe i won't have to see the disappoint in her eyes as she runs her fingers gently across the scars and hangs her head.
but what they don't realise is that i want to. i want to see the blood. how can i stop when i want it?
a guilty and painful pleasure. the worst of it, they are the ones that feel the pain, not me.
maybe she won't notice.
maybe she won't feel the pain.
maybe i won't have to see the disappoint in her eyes as she runs her fingers gently across the scars and hangs her head.
i'm sorry
i couldn't help it. or maybe i don't have the energy?
as i took the broken glass and dragged it across my already scarred skin i felt better, seeing the bright red run out of my body made me feel better.
i normally only do little lines, i can hide those.
but seeing the first line if red, i wanted more, i needed more. dragging it over again and again i felt some of the pain and helplessness flood out of me. i was in control. i knew just what to do.
pain is what keeps me going. as i bleed i know i am alive.
then i remember som, guilt washed over me. how am i going to hide them from her? all the lines across my forearm? i can wear long sleeved shirts, dad and hannah won't know. but som will know. she will see the bandages.
what is my excuse? i don't have one. i am selfish, hurting myself is more important, even though it hurts her. is that it? i wish it wasn't but i suppose thats what i am. selfish.
as i took the broken glass and dragged it across my already scarred skin i felt better, seeing the bright red run out of my body made me feel better.
i normally only do little lines, i can hide those.
but seeing the first line if red, i wanted more, i needed more. dragging it over again and again i felt some of the pain and helplessness flood out of me. i was in control. i knew just what to do.
pain is what keeps me going. as i bleed i know i am alive.
then i remember som, guilt washed over me. how am i going to hide them from her? all the lines across my forearm? i can wear long sleeved shirts, dad and hannah won't know. but som will know. she will see the bandages.
what is my excuse? i don't have one. i am selfish, hurting myself is more important, even though it hurts her. is that it? i wish it wasn't but i suppose thats what i am. selfish.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
i sometimes wonder if i regret my life?
i thought about it for hours, lying awake at night with thoughts running round in my head, screaming at me.
i don't. i don't regret my life, it has got me where i am, and why i think that where i am right now isn't all that good, it is survivable. i can get through it.
i have had so much happen to me, yeah its been shit, yeah i once thought that being road kill was the answer, but i'm not dead. and i won't be anytime soon.
if i hadn't been through everything i have, would i love and trust som as much as i do? by watching relationships fall apart and see what the problems do, little things, i now know what not to do.
i trust her, she lied to me, but when she told me the truth i didn't question it, i immediately took it as the truth. should i have asked more question? why did i trust her after being lied to once?
i love her. i know it sounds so simple and soppy, but thats the answer.
she did it because she loves me, and i will always trust her, whatever happens.
i worry about her. so so much. what can i do to help? her brother doesn't do anything, he never helps out, but he doesn't get in trouble. she does.
she over works herself, i think she might be trying to prover herself to her parents, but she does so much. he just doesn't see it. i get so scared that one day she won't be able to handle it anymore. i want to take all the pain away and carry it for her, lock it away in my heart, so hers doesn't hurt.
i would be hit every evening for the rest of my life if it meant she wouldn't be. if she could get away and get happier life i would give up anything. i'd lose my sight, i'd lose my hearing if it meant she could get happy.
but i know that i can't make a deal like that. because who would there be to make the deal with?
if someone stood before me now, and said to me, i can stop her hurting and being so alone, but you have to give me part of you everday. i wouldn't hesitate, i would say yes.
if they said, you or her? i would gladly die if it meant she should live.
she deserves so much more than she has now, she deserves the respect she never gets now, she deserves someone to love her unconditionally and against everything, she deserves a family that love her. whether that means making her own, or this one realises what they have.
i thought about it for hours, lying awake at night with thoughts running round in my head, screaming at me.
i don't. i don't regret my life, it has got me where i am, and why i think that where i am right now isn't all that good, it is survivable. i can get through it.
i have had so much happen to me, yeah its been shit, yeah i once thought that being road kill was the answer, but i'm not dead. and i won't be anytime soon.
if i hadn't been through everything i have, would i love and trust som as much as i do? by watching relationships fall apart and see what the problems do, little things, i now know what not to do.
i trust her, she lied to me, but when she told me the truth i didn't question it, i immediately took it as the truth. should i have asked more question? why did i trust her after being lied to once?
i love her. i know it sounds so simple and soppy, but thats the answer.
she did it because she loves me, and i will always trust her, whatever happens.
i worry about her. so so much. what can i do to help? her brother doesn't do anything, he never helps out, but he doesn't get in trouble. she does.
she over works herself, i think she might be trying to prover herself to her parents, but she does so much. he just doesn't see it. i get so scared that one day she won't be able to handle it anymore. i want to take all the pain away and carry it for her, lock it away in my heart, so hers doesn't hurt.
i would be hit every evening for the rest of my life if it meant she wouldn't be. if she could get away and get happier life i would give up anything. i'd lose my sight, i'd lose my hearing if it meant she could get happy.
but i know that i can't make a deal like that. because who would there be to make the deal with?
if someone stood before me now, and said to me, i can stop her hurting and being so alone, but you have to give me part of you everday. i wouldn't hesitate, i would say yes.
if they said, you or her? i would gladly die if it meant she should live.
she deserves so much more than she has now, she deserves the respect she never gets now, she deserves someone to love her unconditionally and against everything, she deserves a family that love her. whether that means making her own, or this one realises what they have.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
love you
i just felt so happy that day.
she ha been having a rough time and she was shattered so she was lying in my arms and she looked so gorgeous and peaceful. i just wish i could have stayed there and held her for as long as she needed me.
she ha been having a rough time and she was shattered so she was lying in my arms and she looked so gorgeous and peaceful. i just wish i could have stayed there and held her for as long as she needed me.
what are friends for!
its just one thing after another.
tom broke up with hana, and then tom and bex (hana's step sis) go out. hana and tom weren't even in love. but there was this massive argument, and tom and bex both asked me to help and get involved, but now i am the only one who is going to get in the face!
i was trying to ask hana to forgive bex and tom, but tasha was slaggin everyone off, but tasha is safe because she can run off. she is playing bex though, she called bex a cunt and bex still is friends, so after bex and tom asked me to get involved they have now both run off and stayed safe but i got stuck in the middle now so i am gonna get slaughtered on monday.
now i love bex and tom but they won't stick up for me, i am not going to ask them either.
i let myself get involved i could have said no i don't want to be in the middle, but what sort of friend would i be? they are more important than me.
at the moment that feels one sided though. so i am not biking tomorrow, i am going to leave early and go on my own, i am not going to risk it.
tom broke up with hana, and then tom and bex (hana's step sis) go out. hana and tom weren't even in love. but there was this massive argument, and tom and bex both asked me to help and get involved, but now i am the only one who is going to get in the face!
i was trying to ask hana to forgive bex and tom, but tasha was slaggin everyone off, but tasha is safe because she can run off. she is playing bex though, she called bex a cunt and bex still is friends, so after bex and tom asked me to get involved they have now both run off and stayed safe but i got stuck in the middle now so i am gonna get slaughtered on monday.
now i love bex and tom but they won't stick up for me, i am not going to ask them either.
i let myself get involved i could have said no i don't want to be in the middle, but what sort of friend would i be? they are more important than me.
at the moment that feels one sided though. so i am not biking tomorrow, i am going to leave early and go on my own, i am not going to risk it.
Monday, February 12, 2007
do i deserve this?
i keep getting bad luck it seems, so have i actually done anything wrong or to deserve this? or is it just bad luck?
i have done almost everything right! i have kept the house going, i have been strong and i have been all caring and good when all i realli want to do is curl up and cry and never go outside again.
i deserve something for me, surely! just something to go right!
hannah is always getting new things and she had her massive shopping trip, but i don't want loads of new things and i only want my money back because i hate having lost things! i don't want loads of 'stuff' i just want to be able to get up in the morning and be ok.
i am so sick of all this!
i have done almost everything right! i have kept the house going, i have been strong and i have been all caring and good when all i realli want to do is curl up and cry and never go outside again.
i deserve something for me, surely! just something to go right!
hannah is always getting new things and she had her massive shopping trip, but i don't want loads of new things and i only want my money back because i hate having lost things! i don't want loads of 'stuff' i just want to be able to get up in the morning and be ok.
i am so sick of all this!
Sunday, February 11, 2007
love
lying in the shower, i feel empty, i have such a difficult couple of months. i want to cry so badly but i don't want to admit it to myself. i don't want to think so much i am hurting inside, people depend on me, don't they, to stay strong. or is it just me not wanting to admit i can cry?
i have a sinking feeling that it is only me being my closed up self.
as i was sitting in the bath with the boiling water burning my back i got thinking, what is love?
so then i was trying to come up with an answer, then i remembered the day me and som were walking down the street and i was watching her just walking in front of me, and i had this smile on my face and a warm, snuggly feeling in my tummy. i think that is what love is:
(1) you feel complete when you see that person living
(2) they make you feel safe (like when i slept in her arms)
(3) you can talk about your future and important things together and know they will happen.
i have a lot of things to explain, a headful of thoughts but i can't write them today for some reason, it's my heart, it is aching to see my gorgeous sxc babes, which i can't properly for days.
it is like i have never actually lived with her, but i can't live without her.
i don't want her to think i am depending on her and being all clingy and stupid though.
i have a sinking feeling that it is only me being my closed up self.
as i was sitting in the bath with the boiling water burning my back i got thinking, what is love?
so then i was trying to come up with an answer, then i remembered the day me and som were walking down the street and i was watching her just walking in front of me, and i had this smile on my face and a warm, snuggly feeling in my tummy. i think that is what love is:
(1) you feel complete when you see that person living
(2) they make you feel safe (like when i slept in her arms)
(3) you can talk about your future and important things together and know they will happen.
i have a lot of things to explain, a headful of thoughts but i can't write them today for some reason, it's my heart, it is aching to see my gorgeous sxc babes, which i can't properly for days.
it is like i have never actually lived with her, but i can't live without her.
i don't want her to think i am depending on her and being all clingy and stupid though.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
thats it!! how can she do this!!
this time it has gone too far.
dad got a loan for £10,000, or a little less. anyways, but half of it went to him and half to mum. we would pay it all back, and mum was going to give us the half back to clear the debts on the house. if she doesn't do this the house will be taken away and me and dad will be homeless.
but when she gave the cheque to hannah, it wasn't signed, we thought it was just a mistake. but when dad asked for her signature, she said, grinning, 'you keep my car, i keep your money.'
it isn't even her car! my nanny, dad's mum, bought it!
so she has forced us to give her a car otherwise we will lose the house. we will have to live with nanny.
how can she do that, blackmail us, car or be homeless!?? she has lost the plot, she has completely given in to the poison and to steve. it's him behind her, mostly her though. she blames dad for absolutely everything in their marriage that went wrong.
it was her who wouldn't fight to get better, who had all the affairs.
dad got a loan for £10,000, or a little less. anyways, but half of it went to him and half to mum. we would pay it all back, and mum was going to give us the half back to clear the debts on the house. if she doesn't do this the house will be taken away and me and dad will be homeless.
but when she gave the cheque to hannah, it wasn't signed, we thought it was just a mistake. but when dad asked for her signature, she said, grinning, 'you keep my car, i keep your money.'
it isn't even her car! my nanny, dad's mum, bought it!
so she has forced us to give her a car otherwise we will lose the house. we will have to live with nanny.
how can she do that, blackmail us, car or be homeless!?? she has lost the plot, she has completely given in to the poison and to steve. it's him behind her, mostly her though. she blames dad for absolutely everything in their marriage that went wrong.
it was her who wouldn't fight to get better, who had all the affairs.
Friday, February 09, 2007
feeling better
ever since i admitted to myself that i am not ok and i have let myself cry and let myself have some time off, i feel really good. not perfect obviously, but i feel like i am no longer pretending and i can feel.
the other night i slept the most i have slept in months, i spoke to som on the phone before going to sleep then i hugged her jumper and bear to me and i could smell her smell, it was like after i had let all the stress and tension out i was completely exhausted.
i normally feel lonely at night, it is like i have never actually with my bbz all night but i can't sleep without her either. i know that doesn't make sense.
but speaking to her before going to sleep made me ok, it was as if her voice stayed with me and i could smell her aswell she seemed so close.
the other night i slept the most i have slept in months, i spoke to som on the phone before going to sleep then i hugged her jumper and bear to me and i could smell her smell, it was like after i had let all the stress and tension out i was completely exhausted.
i normally feel lonely at night, it is like i have never actually with my bbz all night but i can't sleep without her either. i know that doesn't make sense.
but speaking to her before going to sleep made me ok, it was as if her voice stayed with me and i could smell her aswell she seemed so close.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
why me?
i have been off school for tuesday and wednesday and i am probably going to stay off the rest of the week aswell.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
why me?
i have been off school for tuesday and wednesday and i am probably going to stay off the rest of the week aswell.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
i just woke up tuesday and thought, i can't do this anymore, i am sick of pretending i am ok and none of this is effecting me.'
i am not sleeping very well, i mean, i am asleep for 7- 8 hours but i don't wake up recharged or refrsehed at all.
there are some army soldiers that can survive on an hour of sleep. the brain is capable of recharging itself in 30 minutes, if it has the right sleep. it is a psychological thing. i am so stressed i can not switch off completely.
i have spent the last two days tidying the house from top to bottom, i have done a ridiculous amount of stuff. but i don't mind i actually found it quite calming.
loud music, check
me singing out of tune and at top volume, check
house spangly, check
it was like getting out of my usual routine and having a break. seeing the house clean after all the chaos that has been our lives for the last two months was like a breath of fresh air.
i realised why i have taken on this role of house keeper, my mum has gone so i am the only 'woman of the house' person. for most of my life i have had to act that little bit older than i should be.
when i was about 6, mum and dad were having one of their worst ever arguments, they were downstairs throwing eachother against the wall. things were smashing and breaking and they were screaming.
i really wanted protecting and i really wanted to cry but i knew i couldn't, because i had my little sister in my arms, so when i should have been acting like the child i was i had to grow up and take care of someone else.
when they were arguing i normally had to step in and calm them down and stop them.
when i was 8 instead of being a kid i was looking after other peoples kids. after school would come home only to have to do another job until 6.30. so my day started at 6.30am and ended at 6.30pm. then i would have to do my chores, so it is now 7.00pm. so me time for shower, wind down time etc is about an hour and half.
so holidays are i couldn't go out or have people round cause of the kids.
now i have a different type of responsibilty,, looking after kids wasn't enough i now have the responsibility of the house.
sometimes i just wish i was a kid again, i wanna be carefree and play all day. something i didn't have all that much of.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
how much more!?
i was being selfish on saturday night, again, som was ill but she still came round mine. i should have said no, don't come round. but i was really missing her, i was feeling so cold and empty. i feel so scared, as if the more time i spend without her the more i will never see her again. because it feels like lately i keep losing things, everything is falling away.
so when it was time for her to go i was holding her shirt so tight i have marks from my fingernails in my palms.
but we eventually got half way to hers, i just felt so small and lost, i had been crying all the way. with evey pedal i took and the closer my bike took me to her house fresh tears threatened to fall. i just braked in the middle of the road, i just sat there, completely still, tears making my face shine in the dim light and my fingers slowly getting colder.
she must have known what i was thinking, just like a year ago, on that busy main road. she dragged both our bikes onto the path and pulled me along too and then i was just standing there with her refusing to let go of my coat and then she just held on really tight and i just felt so lost.
when she said, 'i love you'
i couldn't even trust my throat to talk it took me ages to say it back, not because i didn't love her, she will never understand how much i love her. i am not good with words, so i am bad at showing it but i feel it so much that sometimes i feel so full of love i could burst.
i kept just crying and crying in her arms and when i got home, i am so lucky and i am so scared everyday that it isn't true and i will wake up from this wonderful dream.
i'm losing
i haven't written anything down in a while, i keep talking to people so there is no need. but i can see now that i made a mistake. people don't really want to hear it. it hurts and its bad so why would they? why would anyone want to focus on that?!
i can remember what it was like when i was small. mum wasn't always like this. she used to be fun most of the time.
as always the bad memories stick though, i can remember when i was 2 or 3, and hannah was newly born and she was upstairs asleep. it was a rare moment that i spent with mum alone now. we were concentrating on my education. she was tired and i so desperately wanted to impress her, but she was in one of her moods. she was teaching me to write my name, one letter at a time. for some reason i simply couldn't get the 'e' right. i kept writing it backwards.
however hard i tried i couldn't do it, i don't know why. i could feel mum getting more and frustrated beside me and losing patience. she snatched the pencil from my fingers and wrote it for the tenth time, before throwing the pencil down.
i tried to do it right, i held the pencil tightly and concentrated hard but my mind was all over the place and i was in such a panic. i got it wrong again, i could feel beside me the anger.
she threw the pencil away against the wall and started shouting. i didn't know what to do and held on the side of my chair, almost wetting myself with panic and fright.
finally i suppose she just lost it, she smacked me across the side of my head with the flat of her hand, i wasn't ready for it and went flying off the chair and was sprawled across the floor.
she didn't hit me often, if at all realli. i think that was just a rare occurance.
it was a little before this she has been subscribed to seroxat.
i can remember what it was like when i was small. mum wasn't always like this. she used to be fun most of the time.
as always the bad memories stick though, i can remember when i was 2 or 3, and hannah was newly born and she was upstairs asleep. it was a rare moment that i spent with mum alone now. we were concentrating on my education. she was tired and i so desperately wanted to impress her, but she was in one of her moods. she was teaching me to write my name, one letter at a time. for some reason i simply couldn't get the 'e' right. i kept writing it backwards.
however hard i tried i couldn't do it, i don't know why. i could feel mum getting more and frustrated beside me and losing patience. she snatched the pencil from my fingers and wrote it for the tenth time, before throwing the pencil down.
i tried to do it right, i held the pencil tightly and concentrated hard but my mind was all over the place and i was in such a panic. i got it wrong again, i could feel beside me the anger.
she threw the pencil away against the wall and started shouting. i didn't know what to do and held on the side of my chair, almost wetting myself with panic and fright.
finally i suppose she just lost it, she smacked me across the side of my head with the flat of her hand, i wasn't ready for it and went flying off the chair and was sprawled across the floor.
she didn't hit me often, if at all realli. i think that was just a rare occurance.
it was a little before this she has been subscribed to seroxat.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
i hate her
my mum is screwing my life a million times over. she won't pay my dad any maintenance for me or my sister, she thinks it is like once she has left the house she can leave everything else behind aswell. she can't! hannah is alright, she can go to mum's and have a hot bath and hot meals, me and dad are gonna have empty cupboards and we already have no hot water and loads of debts, all hers.
she has problems, i know, she is mentally ill. but why should i keep putting my emotions and my life on hold for her!
she has problems, i know, she is mentally ill. but why should i keep putting my emotions and my life on hold for her!
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